Me on the left.
Well that was my opinion for a while anyway.
My parents aren't genetic defects, but they have genetic flaws that when put together in a person make something that shouldn't exist.
but I guess there are also good things I inherited too.
I'm tall. I have nice hair.
The good things stop there. Surely.
I have my mom's heart.
No I don't.
"The heart."
"Without love it cannot be seen."
...
"How can a person spend five years a shutin? How is that possible?"
"Your mom let that happen?"
"I'm really lucky to have an amazing mom."
"My mom woulda slapped me and booted me out so fast-"
"If mine had done that I would be dead right now."
Seems like the wrong thing to do doesn't it? "Nothing".
Your kid is struggling endlessly.
You're always there for them.
You give them everything they need.
You enable them, so it seems. People criticize you for it.
Your kid isn't getting any better. For years they make no improvement.
What should you do? Disconnect the internet and boot them out, surely.
Seems like a step in the right direction doesn't it? A step in any direction.
but you do that, and it leads to them dying.
Did she know that's what would happen?
She must have suspected it.
Instead she did "nothing".
...
but that's false.
She waited. Incredibly patiently.
and every burden I had, or generated, she took on.
She complained so very little, too, mostly.
There were people that gave up on me.
Pretty much everybody did, or so I felt.
It never felt like she even neared that point.
Anything I did was forgivable.
I think in my entire life she only ever punished me once. Sent me to my room.
That was it. Otherwise it has only ever been endless patience.
...
I wonder if she could tell that I wanted to be able to live?
I'm not sure.
I wonder what she would have done if I'd been someone else?
Someone could live the lifestyle I did and never improve.
...
That was a good thing too, she didn't try to force me to do new things.
She let me figure it out.
Although I'm sure that's generated some stubbornness in me as a person.
Truth be told all the medication I'm taking was my idea.
Some of it I didn't request by name, I alluded toward it to get it prescribed.
I didn't trust doctors or anyone else to help me.
It had to be me.
Shutin became shutoff.
Nice.
I guess that's a bit manipulative, but do the ends not justify the means?
In this case I believe they do.
Well I regret admitting that.
Oh well.
I'm good at digging my own grave, just not literally.
Anyway
Basically my mom earned the undying gratitude of her son by doing "nothing".
and because she did "nothing" he became mentally stable and landed a good career path.
Best mom confirmed.
Not to indirectly insult other moms. Other moms can be "best mom" too.
Just not to me.
Oh there's a big part of me that doesn't want her to read this because it might make her happy. Well the real issue is her saying something about it, and then I get embarrassed.
...
Yeah I guess it makes sense crying at the thought of being away from her for a week.
You big fucking baby.
...It's not like I broke down sobbing or anything.
I just weeped a little.
and am right now too. Dunno why.
I don't cry.
Fucking normies.
...
Disgusting.
...
Oh yeah that's an issue too.
I have a weird superiority complex.
Due to feeling detached from being human.
You're ruining it.
...
"Self-revulsion"
I'm a huge contradiction.
Eh, not that prohibited.
...
>Co-worker is a zoomer
>Walk past him and randomly say shit like "lit" and "fam"
>Not sure if I'm trying to fit in or being ironic
>Zoomer co-worker
>"Have you seen this?"
>Throws up gang sign
>Me: "What the fuck is that?"
>"It means "I'm shy""
>Have older co-worker
>Randomly say shit like "famalam" to him
>Tells me talking like this is giving him cancer
>Keep doing it
>Has pretty much just accepted it at this point
>Accidentally roll Osakabeihime twice off banner with summon tickets or w/e
Oh I forgot she talks like a weeb rather than a zoomer.
Suzuka Gozen is the one who talks like a zoomer.
--------
"Steps to killing yourself:
1. Call someone and tell them what's going on.
2. Kill yourself."
I doubt anyone suicidal reads my blog.
but if you're at that point with no one to talk to, talk to me.
...
I wonder what happened to being an edgy teenager.
...
The thought of someone dying alone, isolated, makes me sad as hell.
...
Fucking normies.
I remember going on that utsuge marathon.
To see if I would feel anything.
I didn't.
Empathy is a weird thing for me.
Sometimes it's there, sometimes it isn't.
and I haven't pinpointed what it is that causes it.
Since it seems to be inconsistent.
Like the part of my brain that processes it is only active sometimes.
That's exactly as horrible as it sounds.
...
Horrible to think about too.
...
This is literally the exact reason why I shut myself off.
The thing that I'm so insecure about, that I've gone on and on about before.
I managed to start to forget about it.
...
For clarification:
Try to imagine being close to someone who is a psychopath only sometimes.
edit: I also can't always tell which of my emotional responses are real or fabricated.
Not that I'm psychopathic, I think.
but it's really easy to forget to care when you don't.
Digging myself that grave again.
...
I mean not having empathy doesn't make one psychopathic on its own.
Feeling nothing doesn't automatically make one disregard another as irrelevant.
It doesn't mean you'll go out of your way to hurt someone if you benefit from it.
...
It scared my mom.
I felt like she looked at me like I was a monster.
It wasn't her fault.
but it hurt. I didn't choose this.
and what do you do?
Someone treats you like a monster.
At least pretend not to be.
and hope to jezis they don't roll a fucking 20 on sense motive.
but if they rolled a 20 wouldn't they be okay?
You don't pretend to negatively manipulate them.
You pretend because you want them to feel okay.
You pretend because you don't want them to reject you for being a broken person.
That's why it would be okay to have someone read my mind.
Maybe.
If it was someone I could trust.
...
I should really be writing these posts like someone is going to read them.
...
"If you're suicidal you can talk to me."
"By the way I'm semi-psychopathic."
Yeah that's reassuring.
I think I could at least serve the purpose of an emotional crutch for an instance.
Just not for very long.
...
Emotionally distant.
Unintentionally.
This is a death sentence.
A curse.
Having no empathy at any time would be better.
Because it would at least leave no sliver of hope.
I wouldn't even try. It would be natural.
...
I can't fill in the blanks.
Not every time.
and I was told I shouldn't fill in the blanks.
Because eventually they'll find out you're lying to them.
...
Mom still accepts me.
She would no matter what.
She did, no matter what.
...
I'm probably starting to sound like an edgy teenager again.
But maybe this is what happens when you avoid your emotions for such a long time.
You age and they stay the same.
...
What the hell am I supposed to do with a problem like this?
Approaching depression is one thing. There are a million different medications for it.
But something like this?
Where the closest comparison I can draw is psychopathy?
There's no cure for psychopathy.
and I can't downplay this like "it's not that bad" or "I'm exaggerating"
Because of the amount of times its punched me in the face when I did.
And all my psychiatrist had to say was essentially "don't pretend".
I feel like this is something to be careful about telling anybody to begin with.
There's stigma attached to depression, but it's pretty mainstream these days.
Something like this, maybe not as much.
and people don't completely change the way they treat you if they find out you're depressed.
...
At least in my experience.
...
Uninteresting Garbage?
More like
Angsty Garbage.
Amirite?
Gottem
-----
Pic unrelated. To this rambling stuff anyway.
...
I replay that sound in my head sometimes.
I have no idea why.
The sound of my mom full-blown sobbing.
When she caught me.
A woman of unwavering fortitude.
Oh this is a fucking terrible memory to revisit.
What the fuck am I doing?
...
Entertaining myself.
M confirmed.
Humans will do interesting things when they're bored.
Boredom is the most painful thing a human can experience.
and that sobbing was and still is the worst sound I've ever heard in my life.
By far.
If someone could build me a personalized nightmare with audio.
That's the only sound that would be in it.
...
First time I'd ever really seen her cry. She sobbed.
The few times I've ever seen her cry she was straight faced.
When she cries the tears come out, but she's too strong to actually physically cry.
So to be slapped in the face with full blown helpless sobbing was intensely brutal.
It was also the biggest possible "Fuck you" I could get in a situation like that.
Not from her. From myself. For putting her in that state.
Like I didn't already hate myself.
My mom did nothing wrong. Genuinely.
but I sure did.
and she's never been one to be helpless.
She's like a terminator.
She doesn't stop.
She keeps going.
Everything that she has, that I have, she built herself.
As a single mom.
Fucking impressive.
edit:Rereading this is making me tear up again.
I almost took her "little boy" away from her. Of course she sobbed.
...
Yeah this is the momcon post.
I'm not a momcon.
No really.
...
My dad's a beast too.
They're similar people.
My dad's largely about brute-force, I think.
If he has something he wants to do he does it.
Nothing will stop him.
...
I'm just an ordinary straight female only interested in vanilla. Approximately.
Even though I claim to be gay half the time.
Mostly just to poke fun at myself.
...
Wait I'm not female.
I never claim to be female.
What if I try doing that for a while instead of the gay thing?
I feel like that'd get weird.
For some reason.
...
I like saliva.
That's not a joke.
What if I claim to like saliva and then say I'm joking?
Actually I made that claim at work.
and I think the person I said it to tried to make fun of me.
but for whatever reason I didn't turn red.
Maybe the beta-blockers.
Most likely the beta-blockers.
I felt like I was pretty close to turning red though.
...
I'm not much of a pervert, truly.
...
Part of being detached from feeling human.
...
Beta-blockers certainly help with that detachment.
My physiological responses are less human.
I feel like this is intentional.
I chose medication that would turn me into a robot.
and why not?
...
I can't think of any reason to disagree.
What about "I'm not happy"
Happiness has never been a priority.
and until a few years ago I didn't even realize it could be an option.
...
I'm doing alright aren't I?
Correct.
So keep going like this.
...
I slip up sometimes.
The human comes out.
...
I feel like people like that more than the stone face.
...
Only because it's validating when people smile at them.
...
I don't think so.
but I want to.
...
What if they feel disappointed when I don't react?
...
They seem happier when I react.
...
This isn't worth fussing over.
...
This is a weird conflict.
One that has been going on for a while now.
---
1: "I'm backing that ass up."
>start laughing
2: "Oh you actually made him laugh!"
It's always the stupid things.
What that person said, I'd said to that person once a long time ago as a joke.
I was a bit surprised they remembered it.
It's not that laughing is a seldom occurrence for me. I think.
"I made you smile!"
Me: "That's not unusual is it?"
Apparently it was.
but how much I smile and how much someone sees me smile isn't necessarily consistent.
...
There's a weird confidence.
When I'm not confident. When I'm awkward.
"There's no way I can do this confidently, so I'll put all my heart into being awkward about it."
Must be magnetic to some degree.
Being confident that I have no confidence.
There's a fine line between being confidently awkward and just plain awkward.
Generally not one that's too hard to balance.
...
I guess it's self-acceptance.
Showing easiness in not feeling comfortable, instead of harshness.
...
It has been a while since the last time that happened.
Two people hugged me.
...
I knew the first person.
I didn't know the second person. Not sure why they hugged me.
...
The first person liked me entirely because I'm awkward.
I have no idea why.
Isn't it disgusting?
"Yeah but apparently anything relating to you is disgusting so your opinion doesn't matter."
Wrong. It's the only one that counts.
Until someone beats the hell out of it so there's no room for it in my head.
That won't happen. I won't let that happen.
...
I feel like I made myself inapproachable by being distant.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
...
I feel a bit bad about that.
I feel like I made someone unhappy.
By being unhappy, I guess.
...
Welcome to being anywhere near me.
Not that they were near me.
...
It was a good thing then, wasn't it?
...
I can't agree with that.
...
What the hell am I talking about?
Who knows.
...
"If you're suicidal you can talk to me."
"By the way I'm semi-psychopathic."
"By the way I'm a sad fuck and don't really want to talk to anyone."
....
"Boredom is the most painful thing a human can experience."
I wonder if that's unusual.
Probably not.
Being locked in a room for 3 days is enough to make anyone go mental.
and being locked in a room for longer than that with no end in sight is worse.
Latching onto the first source of stimulus available.
and dwelling on it, obsessing over it, just to stave off the boredom.
Boredom, like gnawing insects, being chased away by fire.
Until that's not enough, and then whatever's left of your sanity is devoured.
but at least sanity grows back, right?
...
I'm probably exaggerating.
...
Being in solitary. Having nurses force you to take drugs or they'll inject you.
That's unpleasant.
...
Boredom is a hell of a lot worse.
...
...
That was a long time ago.
...
These posts must be weird.
...
I feel like I talk about stuff that'd probably be heavy.
When it was happening, definitely.
Not so much now. Kinda why I feel old again.
...
Being level will make one feel old. Maybe.
...
I keep coming back to these posts.
I feel like they're kinda pathetic.
They're open.
I don't get to be open.
When was the last time I was open like in these posts?
I don't know.
No wonder.
Yeah...
I regret nothing.
I'm just kidding.
Of course I have regrets.
but everything has worked out about as well as it could have.
EX rank luck.
That's it.
...
Never take your armor off around anyone.
Just take it off when your inhibitions are lowered by exhaustion.
and you can convince yourself literally no one is going to read this.
Less than 20 people at least.
20 people is a hell of a lot.
I'll assume it's just two people refreshing the blog 10 times each.
With varying browsers and proxies.
Easy.
...
I immediately regret thinking about that.
...
Saliva.
...
It's not that weird is it?
It could be worse.
...
Shouldn't mental health problems be more embarrassing than some minor fetish?
...
Shows you where my priorities are.
No. I have no idea why that is.
...
"Oh no people are going to read this!"
"They'll know about my saliva fetish!"
"I'm a nutjob, but that hardly matters in comparison!"
Hmm.
Pretty much all of the mental health stuff is in the past.
The saliva fetish thing is very very real.
...
Although I wonder what the people around me would think if they knew.
About the mental health stuff I mean.
I doubt they'd be surprised.
...
"I'll come beat you up if you do that again!"
Hey what I do behind closed doors is my own business.
Until my mom walks in on me doing it.
What am I talking about?
Being caught in that state is humiliating.
It's like an admission of weakness.
God damned humans.
Regardless of what I'm talking about, the statement stands.
It's pretty much the exact same situation, likely.
Except only one involves your mom sobbing because you're a failure of a human.
Wow that's hilarious.
Because of the double meaning.
Genuinely.
...
Ahh I'm stubborn.
and I'm used to the people around me being hostile.
So it's hard to let go of that.
...
but the people around me nowadays aren't really hostile.
People make fun of me.
Probably in good fun.
Well I feel like some people do it to cause stress.
but I take it up to eleven.
I turn it into a dead horse, and force them to watch while I beat it.
The horse? Or something else?
Why not both.
...
It's pretty much the same as being confident about being awkward.
Being confident in self-loathing.
...
Not that I can't be insulted.
"There are things I care about.
They just aren't me."
Nonsense.
...
I was trying to think of a title for this post.
First thing that came to mind was "autofellatio"
I didn't know what that was, so I googled it.
I regret it.
...
How many of these posts am I going to do?
I'll make them until I run out of stuff to talk about.
...
I'm surprised it has only been a week since my last post.
Normally these posts take a long long time to make.
---
Of course these posts are egotistical.
This blog is egotistical.
It's only me.
Talking about me.
...
Talking to me.
Visual representation of these posts:
"Being immortal would be weird. You could physically be a loli, and be a thousand years old. People would still treat you like a loli. No one would believe you're immortal."
inb4 doxxed
when half the people that read this blog already know my identity.
That makes one person.
...
The age is definitely showing, well I think so anyway.
...
That image reminds me.
I had a shibe.
She died.
I didn't care.
Everyone else did.
That memory makes me feel like I'm going to vomit.
...
I wonder why.
Were I actually psychopathic, I doubt I'd have this response.
Though I decided years ago there was no point in trying to label it.
...
Maybe there would be if there were any around it.
but there isn't.
...
Too early to give up?
How long did I fight depression for?
This is something else entirely.
...
Depression, first line treatment, second line, etc.
This. "No cure".
Walking contradiction. It would make my life harder if I cared more.
I guess I'm still an idealist.
----
>starts reading my blog out loud in front of a group of people
Fucking hell.
I laughed.
Sure it's embarrassing, but it doeson't matter the world.
---
Oh right it was mother's day.
I made her fillet again.
135 internal temp on the dot.
I've gotten pretty good at this steak thing.
Once you know how to do it you'll get it right every time.
"It tastes like candy."
She ate all of it.
...
Seasoning seems hard when garlic isn't an option.
but it's largely in using the right amount of salt anyway.
So it tasted good.
I only really ate enough to verify it was seasoned correctly.
...
I should cook for her more often.
...
but I have weird active hours.
...
Cosplaying was fun.
Dunno why I'm thinking about that now.
...
I wonder how boring these posts are.
It's largely the same thing over and over again.
Because I have nothing to talk about.
or stuff that could be interesting, if any of it was new.
...
Oh it's raining.
Literally.
I love rain.
...
This post seems oddly upbeat.
I'm not feeling very upbeat.
More like beat up, amirite?
...or something.
Sorry.
...
I've gradually been able to open up more and more on this blog.
Not something I could ever do with anyone.
...
Oh that makes me sad.
...
Maybe one day, right?
No.
...
Endless 8 the blog posts.
Wonder if I'll get tired of saying the same things over and over.
...
Still think I'd prefer to be a useless shoulder to cry on than to let someone die.
I mean even if I'm some kind of mess.
The idea of someone dying alone makes me sad.
Even if we all die alone in the end or whatever edgy nonsense.
...
I have no memory of writing the last bit.
I guess I was really tired.
----
>Alone in lounge
>Kinda spacing out
>Suddenly hear "Hey [C]"
>Panic
>Look up
>It's the bully that threatened me at the party
>I'm cornered
>Takes me a moment to calm down
I didn't mean to react like that.
I haven't been jump scared in quite a while.
...
I hope I didn't make her feel bad.
She didn't really give me PTSD.
-----
What happened to the beta-blockers?
...
They only last for a few hours.
...
Mom told her co-workers I cooked her fillet for mother's day.
Better than a steak house.
Made me a bit happy.
I like that she threw in that I did it in style.
Dressed in batman socks and a bath robe.
...
Learning to cook was a... missed steak.
Something about acknowledging that I'm good at cooking makes me unhappy.
Even though it's something I worked really hard to be able to do.
...
Faker
More like... steak-er.
...
I think I'm too tired to hate myself for trying to make another pun.
...
Eh.
I'll post it.
Next post never.
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