Never

I guess it doesn't matter.

These posts are self-therapy in a way.
...
I said I wouldn't talk about her here any more.

I think I was worried about lingering attachment.

There's no need to be afraid of that now.
...
The closest comparison I can draw is to Falsita Faucett from Symphonic Rain.

They're visually similar, too.

Although that's an oversimplification.

Falsita isn't human levels of complex in character.
...
She always seemed worried she was a psychopath.

I didn't agree.

It's not that she never did anything callous.

She did, all the time, or at least her words indicated such.

but excluding the end, the way she treated me was never callous.

It was always incredibly caring and affectionate.

She put me first.

That's why I couldn't agree.

"Banana"
...
What about the way I treated her?

Undoubtedly callous from time to time. That's why I shouldn't be around people.

Being around someone who is caring sometimes and callous others.

That's emotional abuse, isn't it?

Was I that bad?

You tried so hard not to be.

but I was neglectful. That's why.

Because I was so afraid, and I was hurting.

Because up until the end, a part of me knew.

and I couldn't come to terms with it.

I still wonder what would've happened if I'd accepted it, thorns and all.
...
but I didn't, not until it was too late.

and by then it didn't matter.

I doubt it would've changed anything anyway.
...
I'm intentionally being cryptic.

but somehow I doubt what I'm talking about is all that vague.
...
Why did I start going into this subject anyway?

Oh right.

Every time I reassured her that she couldn't be a psychopath.

I felt like I was reassuring myself at the same time.

She can't be, and if she can't be, then I can't be.

or something like that.

Did she know I had emotional blanks?

Of course she did.
...
It's funny in a way.

Did she really know me?

The longer it went on the less open I was.
...
If she read this blog now how much would she learn that she never knew anything about?

In two years.
...
Eventually it came to be that she wasn't dating me.

She was dating what I showed her.

And that came to be less and less over time.

Until all that was left was a puppet that acted like me.

but not the me that she once knew.

Something like that anyway.
...
That's a bit heart-breaking now that I think about it.
...
"Always move fast"

Oh that's a song isn't it?


...
I wonder how insane I seem here.

With everything I've said over these posts.

I feel like some of the things I've said are really crazy.

and I don't realize it because this is normal to me.
...
and I wouldn't know unless someone pointed it out.
----
Now I have nothing to ramble about, probably.
...
"Neglect is a form of abuse where the perpetrator, who is responsible for caring for someone who is unable to care for themselves, fails to do so. It can be a result of carelessness, indifference, or unwillingness."
...
Dunno why I looked that up.
...
One reason why I could never be a father to a human child.

Even though I really wanted to be able to.

Despite viewing the idea as irrational to begin with.

Biological clock, or something.
...
Just marry a woman who is emotionally available all the time.

So you only have to be there sometimes.
...
and watch that relationship fall apart too.

When the reason your last relationship failed was largely because you had trust issues.

and not necessarily because you have emotional blanks.
...
I generally don't have trust issues which is what made it so bad.
...
Also there are things you can do to show care.

You don't need to feel anything to be there and do literally nothing.

Sometimes "literally nothing" is all that's needed.

Remember?
...
What the hell am I doing?

Trying to perpetuate the cycle of hope>pessimism>hope>pessimism.

Isn't it great?

No. It changes nothing.
...
I'm still grumpy all the time.
...
but not really. I mean I am, but it takes very little effort to cheer me up.
...
"You're like me. You trust really easily."

Said my mom.

"You're a fool."

I took it as.

"My mom is a fool."

I further translated it to.

but my mom is no fool.

She's one of the most competent people I know.

Something in that string of calculations is wrong.
...
She's a loner like I am, too, though.
...
Well, the reason I am where I am is because I gave everything to some people.

and they saw that.

and being decent people, they rewarded it.

Which isn't something I'm used to.
...
In other words, I got ahead by being a fool.
...
Point is, trust isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Unless you're bitter as all hell.
...
Realistic, not bitter.

...definitely bitter too though.

and grumpy.

and I still say things I don't really mean when I'm grumpy.

and then I hate myself for it later.
...
"Was that the mature thing to do? No. fix it."
...
Most of my behavior is as a result of the way my mom raised me.

and I often wonder how much worse off I would be if she hadn't.
...
I mean, having "emotional blanks", I don't always consider morality.

So sometimes I'll ask myself if doing something would make her sad.

and if the answer is "yes" I won't do it.
...
I remember her being worried about me playing GTA.

Like I'd start treating women as objects due to playing it.

Before GTA:
"The only strong dependable person in my life is a woman."
After GTA:
"Fuck bitches."

Though I am kinda surprised that after all I went through, I still view people the same way.

It hasn't really changed much.

Mostly just awareness of how horrible people can be.

but that made me love humans a bit more.

Strange.

Humans have always been beautiful because of how flawed they are.

Their capacity for horror, and good.
...
I used to say:

"Sharks are sharks, snakes are snakes, humans are humans, you can't hate them for it."

Well you can, but I don't.
...
and not that there aren't differences in gender.

People can fit into stereotypes, but until they do, it's not worth writing them off.
...
It also means absolutely nothing to who I am, or what I do as a person.

Since I'm not hugely social, or dependent on other people for social validation.
...
Though validation does make me happy, when I do get it.
...
In retrospect these posts make me feel effeminate as hell.

Using words like "beautiful" and talking about emotions.
...
Absolutely disgusting.

I didn't feel effeminate at the time.

Oh.

I can still fix this:

No homo.
...
That was easy.

I feel a bit relieved.

Even though it doesn't make any sense.
---
That's how you know these posts are open.

I would never verbally admit saying "no homo" makes no sense.

Even if I am aware of it internally.
---

---
I am so tired.

I've been trying to think of something to ramble about.

I got nothing.

I was thinking I haven't really felt okay in a while.

Anyone I talk to in person I don't want to make eye contact with.
...
I feel a bit conflicted.

I don't want to feel okay.

I wish I could feel okay again.

At the same time.
...
I used to be so afraid of falling asleep around other people.

I felt like I was leaving myself open to be killed in my sleep.

It was really dangerous.

I don't really know why.

I kinda had to be behind a locked door to feel okay about sleeping.

I have been attacked in my sleep before, but it shouldn't have been a big deal.

I've had some weird things happen to me in my life.

I'm sure most people do.
...
but there was a time when I felt okay falling asleep next to someone too.

and I didn't feel like I was going to be killed in my sleep.

No. The opposite. I felt safe.
...
and making eye contact with people wasn't pained.

Everything felt okay.
...
I don't know why I would not want to feel okay again.

I guess this is almost comfy.
...
I'm falling asleep.
...
I should do drunk rambling posts.

I wonder how that would compare to these.

Too bad I only drink socially.
...
I think the reason being tired is nice.

Is because eventually I reach a point where I'm asleep while awake.

and everything stops hurting.

but it's really hard to get there, and I can't stay there long.

Normally sleeping isn't painless, so it's a weird state.
----
I barely remember typing the last bit.

I was really tired
...
I can't drink around other people when I'm stressed out either.

I feel like I'll be attacked.

So lowering my cognitive functions is dangerous.

Some people are the opposite.

They drink when they're stressed.

The way I view it kind of instinctively is a bit stupid I guess.

I typed "instinctively as "instinctually" before fixing it.

what

That's not a word.
...
Apparently it is.
...
I think you'll rarely ever see me talk about anything serious in conversation.

I tend to steer away from anything I feel anything about using humor.

Like a child.

but I also don't really remember the last time I had a conversation about anything serious.
...
These posts are a bit unusual.

I'm mellow because I'm tired.

I'm open because I'm less inhibited.
...
"Hey [C]"
"..."
"Okay I guess I'll go fuck myself then"
"...I didn't say anything..."
"That's the problem!"
"You know there's a parking lot here too..."
"It doesn't have to be a parking lot."
"You can do it here. No one will stop you."
"At least let me record it so I have one for the spank bank"
That was a weird exchange.

But it cheered me up a little.
...
For some reason.
...
I think I'm at that point.

I'm too tired to not be relaxed.

but everything still hurts. My leg, and my back mainly.
---
"I like how you're too cool to even acknowledge me as you walk by."
"Oh. I do that with everyone."
"Oh I get it. I'm not special. You're too cool for everyone."
I have autismo.

"Good morning [C]!"
"Good morning [ ]!"
"What the hell?!"
"I say "good morning" to you every day and you never say it back!"
"..."
Made me laugh.

Especially because someone else walked by and did the same thing a moment later.

I don't really remember if she says it to me every morning.

Usually I ignore people intentionally. Usually.
...
I'm not hugely social.

but I guess it's pretty bad that I don't think it's worth the effort to acknowledge some people.

Originally there was one person I did this to to begin with.

but now I light up whenever I see him, because I don't often see him.
...
The people that I do respond to are the people who I think might be offended if I say nothing. For the most part. The people I ignore treat me exactly the same way if I ignore them or not.
...
I feel like a meme sometimes.

Some people hype me up because I'm sad and autistic.

or something. I don't know.
...
"I miss the agony of working out."

Oh yeah. Definitely M.
...

I forgot that I think Jeanne is kawaii as fuck.

Isn't she really generic though?

She got burned alive, and still, she didn't hate people.

I didn't get burned alive.

"but it would've been better if I had"

no
...
Well maybe for other people, who knows.
...
FGO

Meme all you want, you don't care about any of the characters you have.

Do it for olev.

There is no olev.

There is only Xuanzang Sanzang doing 500k+ damage at NP3 3 turns in a row.

First 5* servant I rolled, second 5* servant I rolled. Unintentional both times.

Rolled her a third time on a 10 pull, intentionally.

Luck stat is EX rank.

Wish I had her at NP5.
...
I don't know why I still laugh at that.

Telling a bunch of normal married dudes about "the pocky game".

"Hey wanna play the pocky game?"

"What's that?"

"Well..."
...
It'd be very easy to take a lot of things on here the wrong way.

What did he mean by this?
...
I mean doing something is not the same as talking about it.
...
I wonder if that was technically illegal.

The age of consent in the US is 18 apparently.

I was like 15 at the time.

Dude was like 18, I think.

I didn't do gay shit, but he did.

"Oh I'm straight. I just like to jack off to dudes sometimes."

I think he meant that unironically.

Granted, I didn't look super masculine when I was 15. Or even now.

but it was technically still gay.

Not that that's an issue, but at least call it what it is.
...
Ahem.
...
It's not gay. It's gay chicken. There's a difference.

That dude was the master of gay chicken then.

Especially when there were no advances on my part.
...
It wasn't "gay chicken". It was "gay speeding down the highway with no other cars".

and then making no attempt not to crash.
...
That happened a few times.

I think the other time I was 16 and the dude was 15.

So it technically would've been illegal on my part.

Even though I didn't instigate or consent to it.
...
I mean I didn't even realize until he finished.
...
These posts are weird, but I guess that's why I make them.
----
There was a girl who wanted to do it too.

Well, with me, but she asked.

I didn't want to.

So it didn't happen.
...
Even when I was 15 doing that sort of thing seemed pointless.

I don't really know how that started.
...
It doesn't seem like a natural way to be to me.

But I also don't mentally understand being the other way.
...
This is something I'm still insecure about too.
...
I remember admitting it to someone a while back.

I turned red, I thought he'd make fun of me.

He didn't.
...
Some people don't want to bang around.
...
Maybe I'll be in my sixties one day.

Still holding onto things I think are childish.

but I'm old enough now that I don't remember being 15, almost at all.
...
Aside from all the anger and hate I had for everyone and everything.

Looking down on people with theistic beliefs from even further below.
...
If you think I'm edgy now you shoulda seen me at 15. Oh boy.
...
It's weird that people doing stuff like that didn't make me super uncomfortable at the time.

I mean people being super lewd openly, and toward me.

but the only emotion I remember being able to identify back then was anger.

I also remember watching gore videos to try to validate how I was feeling.
...
Those were some rough years.
...
It's weird comparing my beliefs now to the beliefs I had then.

If I told myself back then:

"I don't think it's worth discriminating against people for race, gender, or religious beliefs"

"I love humanity."

My 15 year old self would think I was so childishly naive.

That I'd never been mistreated in my life.
...
Although those beliefs don't mean I won't write people off as quickly as I did back then.

It means I won't write people off solely for those reasons.

and writing people off is no reason to hate them. It's reason not to associate with them.

It also doesn't make me better than anyone. It makes us different.
...
So in short, my essay is that it's possible for Jeanne alter to turn into real Jeanne.

Or something.

Wouldn't that mean I'm Jeanne?

Am I a cute girl?

No it just means I identify with Jeanne.

and both version are cute af.

You're allowed to hate people, and yourself.

I did.
...

...
Well, not full Jeanne.

I might be something resembling well-adjusted but whatever insanity I once went through is now part of who I am, and there's no going back from it.

Well "emotional blanks" have been a thing since I can remember I think.

I don't know what would've caused it.

I was in a car accident when I was like 4 or 5 or something.

I hit my head really hard, but I think it was most likely a minor injury.

I don't remember any major symptoms.
...
There was also a point when I realized I could "turn off" my emotions.

When I was around 15.

Which is something I did because I couldn't handle how I felt.

I can't remember if I've talked about that here before or not.

but it was done by repeating the same phrase over and over again.

Brainwashing myself.

Looking at it now, brainwashing isn't a good way to handle anything.
...
but I was also only 15 and had no other ideas.
...
I eventually managed to turn off my feelings, but it was semi-permanent.
...
At least until I fell in love for the first time.

And then the emotions I'd ignored for 5 years came back to me all at the same time.
...
I faced them because I wanted to be able to grow up.

but even though I faced them, there have been times my body involuntarily turned them off.

Fear.

No affective/cognitive/physiological sign of it, when there should have been.
...
Although the emotional blanks I refer to aren't my body turning off emotions.

When my emotions are turned off, I can feel something is wrong.

Having emotional blanks is when other people notice something is wrong.

I only notice because they do

Is how I would put it.
...
I think I would prefer not to give specific examples.

but I don't remember ever mourning the death of anyone.

I don't even know if that's abnormal.
...
Well when the people around you are crying and you aren't, you're the odd one.
...
Actually I remember thinking other people were weird for mourning.

Because I couldn't understand it.
...
Every time I talk about this I feel like I'm going to vomit.
...
I'm thinking of that scene from Dexter.

Where he tells his family their mom died.

"Sorry for your loss"

He doesn't really understand it.

He just knows that's what you're supposed to say when someone dies.

It's such an awkward scene, but it's so relatable.
...
and I get this feeling like I'm a mistake of a person.
...
The inconsistency of it is horrifying too.

Because suddenly I'll be hit with something like my cat having a UTI.

and I feel every bit of sorrow I should.
...
I sorta mentioned before:

There have been people that tried to get close to me.

but at this point I see that as something to be nipped in the bud.

It's not what I want.

It's what I think is best.

You do not want to on reliant on someone who affectively isn't there.

People deserve better than that.

Reassuring myself that it'll be okay is delusional.
...
Not necessarily
...
Probably.
...
Yeah this blog is me going on about the same thing in every post.

It's fortunate that I can.

Otherwise I'd be really bored.
...
My emotions are off right now.

I should be upset, but I'm not.
...
Actually they turned off at some point while typing that.

What makes that interesting is that's something that happens when I'm really upset.

and it happened around the time I typed "I feel like I'm going to vomit."
...
Well, for a moment I felt myself being overwhelmed and then it went away.

That's how I know.
...
It suuucks.

Other people hate it, but I kinda do too.

Because it's validating to be able to feel a certain way.
...
To know that I care about something and to not actually care about it at the same time.

Lame.
---
I claim to feel things a lot but often enough it's exaggerated or non existent.

That's how I should feel, so that's what I claim.

or I'll say "horrifying" when I feel something nearly entirely muted.

Because if I don't claim to feel that way then what is there to me?

Claiming to love people isn't really genuine is it?

I don't feel anything regarding humanity.

Humans are just entertaining, primarily.
...
"What's happening in the US is entertaining"
...
So I make these posts to try to connect with something that's not there quite often.
...
and even then, that's often unsuccessful.

It's scary.

When it's quiet.

"Boredom" I guess
...
I have no substance.
...
and that's what I'm so afraid of other people seeing.
...
Even though I've put it on here now.
...
Dumb.
----
I feel really discouraged now.
...
I could've left this alone.

but I didn't.
...
So anyway that's my essay on how androids are basically people.

Play NieR Automata TM.

9S is unironically cuter to me than 2b.

tfw no qt 9S bf

I'm straight by the way.

Just like that dude that jacked off to me, right?

Correction: The dude that YOU allowed to jack off to you.

Uhh... Wish I'd just said "no homo" instead.

Fuck.

He was super buff too.

/fit/ incarnate.
...
I think I noticed my feelings shutting themselves off around when I got my job.

It was really weird for a while, because anything overwhelming would just shut off.

I couldn't be made mentally unstable because all strong emotions were eliminated.

That's also what made it so obvious.

Going from 90 to 0 in an instant with no explanation.

I don't think it's a carry over from brainwashing myself.

It's probably due to the drugs I'm taking.
...
Emotional blanks are really situational too.

They mostly occur in situations involving empathy, but I'm otherwise sorta ordinary.
...
Okay that's probably enough.

Now what?
...
Oh wow I'm passing out and I haven't even taken my meds yet.

This hasn't happened in a while.

I'm being pulled under.
----
Eh, these posts are getting repetitive.

I'm considering no longer making them.

The end of endless eight.

Oh maybe I'll make 8 of them and then I'll stop.

I think this is post #6.

So I'd need to make two more.

Maybe I should make the last two count.

I don't really know how I'd do that.
...
I don't know how the hell I always end up being the straight man.

I mean in a comedy duo.

I don't take that many things seriously.

It's part of being tsundere really.

How many people are you going to show entirely unrestrained laughter to?

I mean in person.

When they're looking right at you.

Not many.
...
Eh maybe that's why it's validating to make me laugh.

because I try not to.

and then I have some weirdo come up to me half holding back a grin.

and they say something so stupid.

It isn't funny.

but the grin is so earnest, that I can't not laugh
...
Fucking got me.
...
Bastard.

No fair.
...
Lame.
...
Okay I'll post it.

I have to wake up in like 4 hours. AAAAAAAAAAA