Corvid

hvac in my car broke blower motor

The mornings are cold here still.

I don't want to get repairs done with what's currently happening.

So I've been wearing my scarf in the car in the morning.

The one that was made for me.

"If it was up to me you'd never take it off!"

I was so proud of this scarf for a time.

and then it sat for so very long.

but I started wearing it again.

I haven't been thinking about "it", at all, really.

but I'm still so protective of the scarf.

Instinctively.

and realizing that made me think about "it".

None of it matters now.

I hope she's okay.
...
Sexual harassment.

Sorta.

I don't really mind.

Having people whistle at me, slap/grab my ass, etc.

Happens constantly.

These people must be in on a joke together.

Sometimes I make sexually forward jokes, but it's purely to see others laugh.

I'm not really like that.

I only have memory of intentionally touching one other persons butt

and it's not like I went out of my way to do it.

So I don't understand why some people do it constantly.

I think it bothers me a little bit actually.

Isn't that funny?

The guy who makes the joke "it's only sexual harassment if you report it."

Feeling a bit sexually harassed.

but I haven't reported it.

That's the important thing... or something.
...
Definitely not listening to ASMR.

I have a really hard time relaxing.

Soothing voices make me angry.

I don't even know why.

Tsundere?

I think when I'm very stressed out, I don't want to let go of how bad I feel.

Having it all fade away so easily feels almost invalidating.

It also invokes some amount of self-revulsion for being calmed so easily.

When I can't do it on my own without tremendous effort.

Not that I listen to ASMR, but if I did, it'd be the times I'm overwhelmed with stress.
...
No homo.

Unrelated thought.

Sometimes you just gotta say "no homo" in case you did something gay without realizing it.

Right?
...
I miss Gold, the player from Vindictus (video game).

I can't remember if that was the real Gold or not.

Not like it mattered.

I remember griefing with him.

A boss had an instakill mechanic which could be activated by players.

Him and I would activate it. He could i-frame it.

I don't think I could, but I life flared like crazy and had a million event graces to burn.

"lol it was an accident bro :^)"

Peak maturity, or at least peak fun.
-------
Mom is sick. Seems like she has a cold.

Still worries me.

She's getting up there in age, and has RA.

Her immune system isn't the best.

I'm not sure what'll happen if she gets down with the sickness. Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Joking about the possibility of her dying from covid.

It's not making light of the situation. It's trying to make the best of it.

Not sure what I'll do if she dies.

Oh, I always joke around when it comes to the worst things.

Immaturity. It is isn't it?

Because I'm afraid to feel.
...
Doesn't really matter to me if I get it, or really, even if I die.

Except if I get it she'll probably get it, and if I die she'll be sad.

So I've been trying to be careful.
...
I asked her to stop doing the shopping. Told her I'd do it.

but she's stubborn, explained to me how careful she is.

I'm not as careful as that. I'll slip up somewhere.

and I could walk around contagious for two weeks without realizing it.

So either I transmit the virus to her and blame myself for it,

or I don't try to force her to stay home and blame myself for doing nothing.

Maybe it won't come to that. Maybe she'll be okay.
...
Death and suicide are weird things.

I was comfortable with the idea of dying a long time ago.

I felt like I'd seen enough. Didn't really matter.

Then I was made afraid to die again, because some things did matter.

and then some things mattered, and hurt so much that death seemed like the only escape.

When really, what I should have done was load up on opiates.

No, just kidding, but it probably would've worked if I could get them.

but getting high has never been appealing to me, with the family history being what it is.

I've been drunk-drunk maybe 2-3 times in my life.

and when I get stressed I instinctively avoid mind-altering substances.
...

I probably shouldn't treat suicide lightly around other people.

*someone gets offended*

"oh dont worry bro im an expert on trying to kill myself"

An expert on OD'ing on something that can't be OD'd on.

I didn't know. It could've just as easily been lethal.

Maybe that's luck.
...
I wonder what woulda happened if it had been lethal.

I blacked out nearly immediately. Mom wouldn't have known.

She probably would've found my body later.

See originally the plan, the first time, was sleeping pills and then asphyxiation.

Double whammy. If one doesn't kill you, the other one will.

Only way to be sure.

Second time was improvised, which is why it failed.
...
Although I wouldn't ever joke about killing myself, nowadays.

Especially around anyone that knows me.
...
That kind of mindset is easy to take lightly.

Suicidal mindset.

It's similar, maybe a form of insanity.

You don't realize you're insane. If you did you wouldn't be insane.

You slip further toward the dark and don't realize it's happening.

Suicide seems reasonable.

It's a weird feeling suddenly feeling happy after resolving to kill yourself.

but I guess it makes some sense.
...
What the HECK was I rambling about again?

Oh right.

I've nearly died a few times since 2014.

but I never really react to it, like I think I should.

I hear about people getting the shakes after nearly dying.

but for me it was Tuesday, or something.
...
I'm also not really afraid to to back to that dark place I was once in.

It's like a vacation home in hell.

I'm not lost. I know where I am. I know how to get back.

but I didn't the first time. That made it scary.
...
If mom dies. What'll happen?

Guess I'll be back in the vacation home.

Who knows, maybe I'd even take up permanent residence there in that event.
...
My workplace is still open.

More people have been laid off

One of them I was very fond of.

and I had to watch him go.

It fucking sucked.

All I could do was stand there stunned, while no one said anything.
...
and I get the feeling no one is safe.

Well, my boss told me I'm safe.

I've also been doing overtime instead of having reduced hours.

And responsibilities thrown on me, instead of removed like for others who were let go.

3 jobs in 1 that I can't possibly keep up with.

but it's better than being let go.
...
I was a bit proud of myself last month.

I sold stuff.

and then I realize my dad used to make in one sale, what I made in an entire month.

What a beast of a man. In a good way.

I aspire to be more like him.

Being successful by being stressed out all the time with no hope in sight.

I chose this. It couldn't be anything else.
...
DND / Pathfinder has been fun.

I'm looking at a potential of 8 players, instead of the original 5.

5 was a lot to start with as a new DM. Still is, but it's a bit easier now.

Kind of weird thinking about leading a session for 8 people and feeling okay.

I'm used to being an anxiety monster.

Creative writing is a lot of fun. I like the stuff I write.

I didn't know I had it in me.
...

I've been running weekly sessions, even though I'm technically unprepared for every one.

It seems to work out.

I'd probably delay them, but I'm running like either me or my players are gonna die soon.

So I'm trying to make the most of the time I have with them.

Maybe I'll blog about the game one day.
...
I wonder if anyone still reads this blog.

I hope not.

I feel bad for you for putting yourself through reading this.

Well some posts might be halfway interesting.

Just avoid the ones with double spaced text.

Unless they're all posts with double spaced text.
---
Someone else got let go today.

Dropping like flies.

Knew it was going to happen this time, just didn't know when.
...
Weird thing feeling immune to sadness.

Well not immune, just it doesn't matter.

It's like having a migraine.
...
I reread what I have so far every time I continue writing these posts.

I hate it.

So much lethargy, apathy.

Apathy is death.

Trailing off on inconsequential things.
...
I feel old again.

Not that I am.

but nearly everything is boring.

I feel like I'm too old to have certain feelings.
...
Oh right I was going to say when I write these posts I'm usually falling asleep.

"No need to pretend."

I have no idea what I meant by this.

Pretending to fall asleep?
...
Unknown.
...
I suppose I should go to sleep soon if I want to be rested for work.

I'm not even sure what the point of these posts is when I have nothing to talk about.

Just to hear myself talk?

Just to talk to anyone at all, even if it's no one.

Because otherwise I'm doing nothing but working.
...
Maybe I'd forget the sound of my own voice otherwise, who knows.
...
I'm deaaaaaaaad.

Well not yet.

Soon TM.
...
"Fuck mario party aight."
...
The more tired I am, the weirder it'll get.

and before you know it I'm confessing my love for a game I've never played before.

and barely even remember it after waking up.

and then I do it again the next time.
...
I hate butt stuff.

Stresses me out.

Standing behind me. Threatening.
...
If I'm in bed dreading the next time someone's going to assault me from behind.

Isn't that cause for concern?

I'm genuinely stressed out.

...not sure why though.

I'd have to report it for it to be harassment.

I'm easy to prey upon, so it was said.
...
Someone said that a few years back too.

After they cornered me in an enclosed area.

Is this turning into a rape blog?

Is this a joke?

Must be.
...
This wouldn't happen.

Denial?

I'm exaggerating it. It's not that bad.

Is this also denial?
...
"This can't happen. I'm in charge here."

Humor.

Muh coping mechanisms.
...
"A lot of girls around here just want to get laid."

Me: "Not my kind of thing"

"Oh so you're into commitment? or you're into dudes?"

Me: "Both"

That's only half true. I'm totally into dudes. No homo.
...
The reason you're easy is because you don't resist.
...
Something like that.

This has reached a point where I'm certain I don't want to post it.

but maybe I will anyway.
...
It's not like I'm a door mat, I just don't really mind physical contact usually.
-----
Caffeine withdrawals.

I assume.

Feeling really messed up and tired all day for no real reason.

After today being the first day of no caffeine in about a week.

I usually don't have this problem.
...
Withdrawals are a weird thing

I assume.

Usually doesn't feel like a need for whatever I'm withdrawing from.

Just feels like I'm dying.

Like going off of Effexor abruptly.

Commonly reported symptoms include flu-like symptoms (nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, headaches, sweating) and sleep disturbances (insomnia, nightmares, constant sleepiness). Sensory and movement disturbances have also been reported, including imbalance, tremors, vertigo, dizziness, and electric-shock-like experiences in the brain, often described by people who have them as "brain zaps". Mood disturbances such as dysphoria, anxiety, or agitation are also reported, as are cognitive disturbances such as confusion and hyperarousal.

but wait there's more!

I don't know why I feel pride over having done that.

Mostly just amazed I made it through in one piece.

I remember reading something that said it could cause brain damage

Which is why I did it.

Dunno if that's actually true or not.

I also remember my mom giving me grief for it, as a stupid idea.

Like it'll come back to bite me as I get older.

Adderall neurotoxicity is damage to the nervous system, and in the case of Adderall, it refers to neuron and nerve damage caused by high levels of dopamine. ... The journal Molecular Psychiatry warns that prolonged exposure of the brain to the amphetamine contained in Adderall can have neurotoxic effects.

and then there's adderall which I'm currently taking.
...
I feel like I'm repeating the same conversations I've had with myself before.

Over and over.

I remember this madness.

Well I remember when I didn't talk to myself at all.
...
I didn't know what went on in my head. I didn't know how I felt.

but I started talking to myself when I started this blog.

That was a hugely confusing period.

Trying to write how I felt, and not knowing.

Not knowing words.

Everything in my head being jumbled. Tangled.

It was brutal.

So much cleaning up and organization had to be done.

and for what?

"Maybe it's because I kick so much butt"

No please. Muh PTSD.

Edit: Sick reference though bro.

...

cute girls eating cute things
or cute things eating cute girls?
edit: Vore pls go
...

Laughed hysterically at this.

I did the first time I saw it too.

Ugh. So stupid.

Dumbest things are always the funniest.

I sleep.
---
I have nothing to talk about.
...
At all.

No substance.
----
Had a nightmare about her for the first time since.

Although it felt like it was directed at my own insecurities.

"Don't forget that you're not happy."

I'm okay.

"Don't forget you can't trust anyone."

Don't need to trust someone if they aren't in a position to harm you. *Taps forehead*

I still have a job. I still have my family.

As long as nothing threatens those I'm okay.

(That's the go ahead to fuck my shit up)

Paranoia.
...
I lent my co-worker my weights.

What if he doesn't give them back?

Shit I forgot that I can't trust anyone.

My bad.

...though I guess that's what the dream was about.
...
but I have a hard time hanging onto things like that.

Normally.

Unless it's traumatic, which is rarer as I get older.

Either way, damage never lasts.

Eventually all of it fades into nothing.
...
Okay I've decided the theme of this post.

Make myself as unlikable as possible.

I'm already doing it with a character in my pathfinder game.

Now for me.
---
I'm probably already doing a good job of that.
...
Oh by damage I meant things negatively affecting my personality / outlook.

I definitely have some head damage, but that's likely physiological.
---

I'll suck your dick if you can tell me where this is.

I know where it is.

I just want an excuse to suck dick.

No. Not really.

Really not really!

Although I doubt it would be that horrible.

I need to stop entertaining these thoughts even as a joke.

...
My self-worth is in the gutter because I'm not going to the gym.

Almost glad for the pandemic because it gives me an excuse to hold off.

Since I'd have no time to lift and write a game at the same time.
...
"300 dollars ain't shit to chad warden"

fucking repeating memes from 200x
...
Pretty sure it was 600, not 300.

Well either way, the statement stands.
...
As does the relevance of the statement.
---
Looking at stuff I haven't looked at in...

How many years?

10?

Has it been longer than that?

Wasn't it a lifetime ago?

Wasn't it yesterday?

What a weird feeling.

Like a time abyss.

How old am I?

Am I ancient? Am I young?

It feels like it was an eternity ago.

I can see a vague timeline of what I was doing in my life at the time.

I still feel young and immature, but I can see how I handled things then.

It's trivial now, but at the time is was so confusing and difficult.

It was hopeless.

and now it's trivial.

Am I not still the same?

Sometimes I'll come across things that give me flashbacks.

Not as in PTSD or anything. Ordinary flashbacks.

but it'll mess me up for a while.

...I went through all that and I'm still alive.

Why?

Why didn't I quit?

It was because I was too afraid.

I didn't want to give up.

I desperately wanted to make all the broken things work.

Even if it was impossible.

I couldn't let go of that sliver of hope. Not for long.

Should I have?

I made it work. For what?

Was it worth it?

Was I rewarded?

Doesn't feel like it.

I lived for a time.

That was it.

but even that was hard.

...Imagine if the me that held onto hope read this.

and he knew it was me in the future.

What would he do?

Want to give up, and then not do it.

Because he couldn't.

Makes sense why Archer would want to kill his past self.

Save everyone the time.

Not that I would kill my past self.

Struggle all you want. It's not my place to interfere with that.

Even if it saves you the pain.

None of it will matter a hundred years from now.

You won't exist.

It will mean nothing.
...
I feel like this post got dark.
...

...

Fucking cat.

Reminding me of how feeble I am.

Blood in her urine.

My reaction is to tear up and panic for a moment.

I can procrastinate but in that moment nothing is more important than her being okay.

So I have her to the vet within 30 minutes.

Was wondering why she was hanging around me and meowing.

UTI, most likely.

I don't like spending money, but having the vet tell me her bill is $207 means nothing.

Like the dollar value doesn't exist.

It's just a required motion to complete the transaction.

This is probably the closest I'l ever feel to having a daughter.

edit: What the hell am I saying? She is my daughter.

When she's distressed she comes to me.

When she's afraid she buries her face in me to hide.

If she claws up my arms I feel nothing from it.

If she pees on me it means nothing.

If she pees on the floor it doesn't matter, I'll clean it up.

and if she isn't okay I'll do anything to make it so she is.

...She's getting up there in age.

I wonder what it'll do to me when she passes away.

Why am I thinking about this morbid stuff?
...
Intent means nothing by the way, I wouldn't be a good parent.
...
Dissociating from emotions.

I think that's how I ended up an incomprehensible mess by the time I started this blog.

Trying to stay as far away from how I was feeling as possible.

Staying away from everything else in my head at the same time.

How do you stay away from something in an enclosed space?

Turn it into a labyrinth.

Where I can't find anything.

Fuck was that a mistake.

Was it a mistake?

It seemed necessary at the time.

It turned out okay, didn't it?

I guess.

The early days of my blog were weird as hell but simultaneously a ton of fun, in a way.
...
Ehh this is almost interesting.

Almost.
---

>get bullied
me: "n-no bully pls"
>go to walk past bully
>blocks my path
"am i triggering your ptsd yet?"

conspiracy

I must have a target on me, or at least until I don't.

If that makes sense.
...
"I didn't get raped this time."

Suicide. Rape. Things I don't ever want to joke about.

but you'll joke about abusing drugs?

I was on the receiving end of behavior from an addict.

I think I know a thing or two.

But you don't know what it's like to be one.

Not really.

Don't I?

and does having experienced something like that warrant me taking it lightly?

I dunno.

Don't ask me stuff like that this late.

2:58AM
...
I think my pathfinder game actually ended up fairly well written

For the most part, and it's just the first part of the game.

A player stayed up asking me questions for the last bit.

Details that require him to have paid attention, so I'm impressed.

Wondering how much foreshadowing he has missed. How many clues.

Acting like a conspiracy theorist.

Although the premise of the game is basically a conspiracy.

How'd I go from 0 with no creative writing background to this?

I have no idea. I'm kinda surprised I didn't start small.
---
Eh. I take everything lightly.

Really.

Even if I say I don't.

Don't I?

I acknowledge that I shouldn't, but there's nothing in my head that prohibits it.

Talking about suicide is mostly an embarrassing cry for help.

If you're going to do it then do it.

Don't talk about it.

No there's definitely something in my head there.

Talk about it. Talk about it nonstop.

If it stops you from doing it.

If it isn't a death sentence of a degenerative disease, there's a way out.

and it isn't death.

So don't give up.

Steps to killing yourself:

1. Call someone and tell them what's going on.

2. Kill yourself.

Never skip step 1.

It's fool proof.

It's also a fucking trap because all it takes is one moment of hesitation to not do step 2.

That's the point.
...
Don't give up.
...
Who am I talking to?
...
Myself, maybe, when I needed to hear it.

Even though I really wouldn't have wanted to.

and after being through the hospital.

I decided if I were to do it again, I wouldn't screw it up so bad as to end up there.

Because dying would be better than being in a hospital.

Of course I'm pretty comfortable with it now.

Not the hospital. Just suicide stuff.

It's old news.
...
I hated the suicide hotline.

None of them knew what to say.

and I felt like I called once or twice just to argue with them.

"What a waste of time" I thought.

but it helped, even though it didn't.

Venting pain is better than holding it in.

Holding it in will fucking kill you.

Although if it's bad enough you'll continually vent it and it'll kill you anyway.

Almost did.
...
As for rape and addiction?

Not sure if I've been addicted to anything before but I have no real concept of it.

I seem to be incapable of understanding it.

I can be told that it exists, but I more naturally assume everyone is like me.

I forget and I default to that state of mind.

so I'm incredibly inconsiderate to someone with an addictive disposition, unintentionally.

"lol just stop using bro"

"lol just stop being depressed"

The second one sounds like bullshit. The first one doesn't.

"lol rape isn't that bad"

That sounds like bullshit, but for different reasons.

Someone having no regard or respect of any kind for your personal space.

or prioritizing what they want while treating you as an object.

Is fucking terrible.
...
Beyond fucking terrible.

Being dehumanized is fucking traumatizing.

What am I referring to specifically?

I've never been raped, so probably nothing.

edit: oh right
...
I'm at a point in exhaustion where the brain filter is off.

So I figured it'd be a good opportunity to ramble.

Remind me not to reread this post.
...
So the important thing is, if it's only about me, it's okay to take it lightly.

If others are involved I don't know what their story is, it's a bad idea.

Including anyone reading this blog.

Good thing no one reads it then.
...
Okay I'll post this, before I rest enough to realize it's a terrible idea