I love the rain.
There's something comfy about it.
I went to the gym at 4:30am.
I'm home now. It's 6:28am.
The sun is still sleeping.
There were very few people around while I was out.
I wanted to take pictures of the city while I was driving home.
but I didn't because I figured it'd be too dangerous. referring to mulitasking
I passed by an airport, a gas station, a bus station, and a few other places.
They all look beautiful in this weather.
Dark and rainy is my favorite weather combination.
When I was a hikiNEET I was on nocturnal hours.
It meant being able to spend more time with this atmosphere.
and even now I tend to feel more awake when the sun goes down.
It's a bit lonely, though, isn't it?
It's a little bit sad.
Being all alone like this.
but it is comfy.
Even when it rains. (not talking about literal weather in this case)
Maybe even especially when it rains.
"home"
In a way.
I guess bittersweet is a good word for it.
...
I was curled up with my belly sticking out.
My belly couldn't look any less muscular in that position.
but it still had visible ab lines.
It looked a bit like someone drew them on.
"So this is the power of being swole"
Not that I am, really.
I still wear baggy shirts.
I don't want people to think I look muscular.
Why would that be?
That's silly.
Show off your sick muscles for all to see!
...but then people comment on them.
and I get all embarrassed.
...not that being embarrassed is a problem.
I just don't want to feel exposed in a wide open space of people.
I'm really not all that muscular anyway.
but I am shy about my body.
Especially around girls my own age.
...
I have a lot of really gay stuff on my computer.
Cute girls, but also lots of gay stuff.
No homo?
...
Supervisor was leaving work today
I think he said he'd miss me
also definitely told me he loves me
and I said "I love you too!"
It's not gay.
This is the same guy I've given back rubs to, and held hands with before.
...
Someone else wiped around my mouth with his thumb.
I'm pretty sure it was because there was dirt there.
Especially since someone else did the same thing not much later after.
also a guy.
Someone accused me of being a flirt, to other people
also a guy.
I'm not saying he's wrong.
I'm just saying no homo.
This is starting to bring us back to that pancake astronaut image.
but I can't be gay if I have pictures like these saved:
Obviously.
At least if it's a shirtless guy I can say "goal body"
Genuinely though, I don't remember why I saved some of these.
...
It's probably just for attention.
...
"Lancelot is my husbando."
I'm being ironic.
So as I pray, unlimited denial works.
...
Coulda chosen big tiddy goth gf artoria
but you chose qt lancelot husbando
and it felt like the right thing to do.
...He looks so happy.
but his eyes also look really tired.
...
Maximum qt.
"wish I could be somebodys husbando"
No you don't.
...
Something weirdly comforting about being stressed out all the time.
I feel like I'm on fire. Not literally.
...
Imagine if everything wasn't on fire.
I'd grow complacent, right?
...Sure.
...
I guess that's one good thing about being single.
I can be as autistic as I want.
---------------------
At work today.
I had my butt slapped a total of 5 times.
In one day.
Granted 3 of the times were the same person.
They were all girls though, so it's straight.
No just kidding.
They were all guys.
...
I tense up when people touch my butt.
Generally reflexively, but I think it also depends.
...
I never touch other peoples butts
I rarely touch other people in general.
I have an easy time feeling like I'm overstepping my bounds.
...
I'll always take a hug though.
Pretty well.
...
I'm so tired.
...
I feel like I'm starting to get used to being perpetually tired.
It's my normal state now.
edit: What you're seeing now is my normal state.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKajd6vM9Tc
It tends to be physically painful.
and my mind functions at a lower level
but neither of those things is foreign to begin with.
...
Someone asked me why I don't just relax and try to live comfortably.
It sounded like madness.
Comfort seems like a threat from where I am.
---------
"FROM MY POINT OF VIEW THE JEDI ARE EVIL!"
Sick meme, dude.
Thanks.
...
I can't think of anything to ramble about right now.
...
I need to sleep.
...
I do feel like I'm losing it.
-2 to mental health, +2 to appearance.
The scent brings me back to Boston.
but I already find myself losing that.
I don't remember it as if it were yesterday anymore.
It's more vague.
However it makes me feel is more vague.
It's fading."
"She used to tell me about her day.
What she ate.
She would list everything she'd eaten in a day.
In detail.
That's so absurd.
I thought it was funny. I still do.
What she ate seemed so important to her.
It was important to her, so it was important to me.
but given my own view of food.
Makes it a little more absurd I guess.
If it were me it'd be a little different.
"Oh I ate this until I felt like I was going to puke"
"Then I ate that until I felt like I was going to puke"
"Someone slapped my chest"
"If they'd slapped my stomach instead I would've vomited, undoubtedly."
...
I'm starting to feel like an amnesiac.
These happy memories.
How long will it be before they fade away entirely?
When they do, what will I be left with?"
-----
A bunch of pictures of
...
u gay bastard.
I couldn't get over her for two years.
Two damn years.
and now it hasn't even been one
and it's like
"Whatever."
What gives?
It didn't end the same way.
You know that.
...
Actually it's getting close to a year now.
...
It was a good life experience, though.
I'm surprised it didn't cause much psychological damage.
I started running damage control as soon as I realized what would probably happen.
and even with everything that happened.
It's not like I hadn't seen anything like it before.
The first time was really bad.
but you get used to it.
What am I talking about?
You can't trust anyone.
You can. Just be careful about who you trust.
Never allow someone into a position where betraying your trust will matter.
Unless that person saves your life.
Mostly referring to my mom in this case.
"[You're the only person who has never given up on me.]"
"And I never will."
Instantly won the sonbowl.
...
Even on the rerun of the relationship.
There was no way I was going to put her above my mom.
Mom is #1.
...
I don't think I told her that.
edit: didnt need to anyway
...
Paveru won the no-homo-bowl.
...
My life is boring.
Exhaustion.
Stress.
Pathfinder on Saturday.
I said the same thing in the last post, too.
...
I don't even want a big tiddy goth gf.
That's the real reason why I picked lancelot.
The only things that motivate me are memes.
Admitting that seems bad.
I'm not sure why.
I think it's more humanizing if I have a genuine desire for a goth gf.
Instead of treating myself like a machine.
If I was a person I cared about I'd really hate myself for how hard I am on myself.
How it makes me feel is never taken into consideration though.
I don't take my feelings into consideration.
Actually you treat them as a nuisance.
When I don't want to do something because I'm unhappy, or I'm tired.
You don't go "oh let's relax."
You go "You feeling that way is slowing us down."
and you keep wondering what drugs you can take to optimize everything.
Like it ain't okay for me to be inefficient.
It's okay. It just isn't optimal. Why not optimize it?
Then I'll work even better.
I'm literally always working now, aren't I?
Even sleeping is regarded as necessary work so I can keep working.
Like if I could continue working instead of sleeping, I would.
All you do is work.
It's no wonder everything seems so lifeless.
and it seems bad.
Part of me feels like I want to feel more human.
and the rest of me wants to cast away whatever's left and become a machine.
and I think the latter desire is stronger than the former.
...
Actually I think that's the issue with losing my happy feelings/memories.
They made me feel like a person.
The more I feel like I'm losing them, the less I feel like it matters.
and I feel like it should matter.
...
"tfw no big tiddy goth gf"
It's a farce saying that.
...
That's what the cute girls are for.
They make me feel something resembling something.
"Tfw no qt Jeanne Alter gf."
You feel that at least a little bit, don't you?
...
I guess.
edit: not sure how that's different from a big tiddy goth
...
You claimed to hate tsunderes a while ago.
Even when I said that, it wasn't entirely true.
There's a difference between abusive and tsundere.
...
I'm tsundere for tsunderes.
That's the real reason tsunderes suck.
Anything I associate with myself sucks.
Automatically.
...
Tsundere is just having a hard time being openly honest about your feelings because it's embarrassing.
Isn't it?
Seems like it.
...
Trying to convince people you're hard when you really aren't.
...
"The only thing your cat has going for her is that she's cute"
"Yeah why didn't we get rid of her and get a cute cat that doesn't pee on everything?"
"Because she's your baby, and you love her."
*averts eye contact*
...Great grandpa entered university at 15.
Grandpa was VP at a huge bank.
Uncle is accountant & IT.
Technical intelligence in family. On my mom's side.
That I supposedly inherited.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing pursuing what I'm pursuing.
It's what my dad pursued. It worked for him.
Part of me feels like I'm settling for something that's safe and realistic.
and I feel like I could pursue something higher.
I feel challenged at my job, but the int cap isn't that high.
Not that I think I have high int.
More like high autism, amirite?
I mean I'm very interested in math and physics.
and while there's a technical aspect to what I'm learning, it isn't advanced.
I can see myself hitting the cap at my job.
I don't see that with STEM.
...
At least with math I know my cap is somewhere into or beyond calculus.
...
but even if int ain't the issue.
There are other issues.
and even with the drugs, I don't know if they've been resolved.
I can stand in one place and count something for about 10 hours straight.
I can sit in one place and study for 10 hours straight, then, right?
Maybe.
I haven't tested it.
...
I know I've been procrastinating on reading Medaka Box.
Yeah I come home at the end of the day.
The drugs, the caffeine, all that has worn off.
I've been awake for 12+ hours on very little sleep.
Not from one day, from the beginning of the work week.
I'm almost less functional than my unmedicated state.
I have no energy and very little ability to retain what I'm reading.
and I read slowly to begin with.
I barely, if even, have it in me to read it.
...
Excuses.
Maybe.
I do know that if I had a day off from working, reading it would be a breeze.
...
He'll watch Army of Darkness if you read it.
...
That's the other part of it.
Choosing what I'm choosing to go into.
I'm getting old.
I feel like I'm not young enough to warrant going back in time to change the future.
Sick reference.
If anyone got that.
Maybe one person.
...
Well my excuse is that I can always go for something else later on.
and if I do, I have what I'm currently pursuing to fall back on.
I can also use what I'm learning as a background for something STEM related.
That way I don't feel like I'm making the wrong choice.
...
Alright I read a few chapters.
I'm fucking deaaaaad.
tfw no qt medaka gf
----------
>being so autistic that a stable nearly 60k(usd) a year job isnt enough
>even with the possibility of advancing to >100k
Not really the issue.
Just that I think I might be limiting myself unnecessarily.
It's probably an ego thing more than anything.
...Also read that above panel in Medaka's voice.
Even though I don't know what she would sound like.
Could always watch the anime, I guess.
...
Masculinity is kind of hilarious.
It's a form of pride / vanity.
Fighting for a girl stronger than you.
Even I'm like that in some ways, I guess.
...
I feel like I'm going to puke.
I've felt like that since I woke up this morning.
Usually it's caused by eating, but today it has been constant.
...
I feel like this isn't normal.
If someone is doing something that exhausts them 24/7.
Won't they reduce that behavior?
If something causes nausea 24/7.
Won't they reduce that behavior?
Instead of seeking it out.
Not just seeking it out, but working toward it.
Well it's a by-product of the work.
Not the intention.
----------
This is an interesting image.
I kinda wondered what it'd be like to be put in positions like these.
Just out of curiosity.
"I'm a closeted bisexual and I'm into pegging"
no
nono
I'm not that interesting.
...
>google "how to roleplay"
>result "practice safe roleplay sex."
...this is not what I meant.
I tend to be good at roleplaying, but I have to believe what I'm saying.
I have to say something as if I believe I'm that person.
Or that something happened to me.
Maybe not deep down, but on the surface.
Problem with my pathfinder character is that I don't have a good base.
I don't really know who he is.
or how to insert myself as him.
In person, I can tell people I'm 17 as if I really believe it.
and I can get them to believe me.
edit: Can't pass for 17 anymore.
It's not far-fetched.
It's easier to identify as young when I already act young.
but it's hard to identify as a big burly man when I'm a
There might be some amount of serious roleplay for our Call of Cthulu game.
My character ideas so far are:
1. Autistic driver who doesn't say much
2. Me, except evil cultist
I'm more interested in roleplaying the evil cultist character.
It would be really easy.
...
Maple cookies.
110 calories per cookie.
Pretty impressive.
So I should try to eat at least 4.
I think I upset my stomach.
Constantly putting stress on it.
It doesn't want to take anything in.
It doesn't want to digest.
It hurts.
Basically how I feel after eating, except all the time.
and then eating amplifies it.
I feel like I'm causing harm.
But I also feel compelled to eat regardless.
...Yeah, the cult of mutants
Except instead of church on Sunday, it's an 8 hour arm workout.
Gotta leave humanity behind.
4 scoops c'mon
except I guarantee I'll vomit if I do that right now.
...>Wow you look massive standing there
>Like Paul Bunyan or something
Well I guess I was wrong.
I'm not twink mode anymore.
I look like a giant loli.
In my own eyes I'm still skinny as hell.
Thanks body dysmorphia.
but not skinny enough that wearing a tight shirt makes me look anorexic.
So in theory roleplaying a big burly northlander shouldn't be a far cry, right?
Maybe I've been doing it right this whole time.
Practicing safe roleplay sex.
No.
Nonono.
I'm not that interesting.
----------
Asked me who I love more between her and another person.
"I love everyone equally."
Asked me "why do you hate me?"
I didn't respond.
Why am I still thinking about this?
...
"I'll give this to the attractive person"
"Then there's no way in hell you're talking about me."
*hands me object*
-------
Got another "I love you" today.
From a guy.
I said it back.
No homo.
-------
The problem is, when it's a guy I can just say "no homo"
What do I say when it's a girl?
"no homo" doesn't feel right.
...
"No hetero"?
I think people know I identify as heterosexual.
edit: I don't even say "no homo" most of the time.
edit: that's okay. it's probably implied.
-----
That other blog post was interesting
Maybe I should have posted it.
It can be hard to know what is/isn't standard behavior when I don't have much for reference.
The closest reference I have is people negatively reacting to things I do.
and me altering my behavior as a result.
I don't want to do that
but if I don't, maybe I won't be able to be around anyone.
Everyone else does it anyway, don't they?
Do you think someone like me, was, who I was
and comes out normal in the end?
or do they just learn to act normal?
That's why you'll always be alone, no matter who you're with
You can't be fully honest with anyone
Even trying to be is destructive
but if someone could read my mind maybe they'd realize the reason for everything
and it wouldn't be destructive
...
Kumagawa's intro made him seem relatable
-------
That was all just nonsense I typed out while falling asleep.
Maybe.
...
I wasn't that messed up anyway, was I?
Isn't it all exaggerated?
...
I do remember having anger problems.
Being addicted to adrenaline.
It wasn't something I sought out.
It was something my body started regularly producing.
and I couldn't control it.
...I remember getting angry at my mom.
I raised my arm like I was going to hit her.
and then I realized what I was doing.
and I broke down sobbing.
That was terrifying.
"I'm sorry"(x100)
"Jekyll and Hyde"
No one has said that about me in ages.
Certainly not a flattering description.
...
I very rarely get angry now.
...Seems like a bad thing in a way.
I feel like anger can be a healthy form of expression.
edit: and a healthy way of communicating.
I still get frustrated, but it's not really the same.
...
I was self-destructive too.
The idea behind that was just to push myself to a point
Where I'd need to die.
because I fucked myself over so bad
but it didn't work out that way.
and at some point I started building my life.
I still had the urges.
but I wasn't about to throw away everything I worked for.
and even when something bad happened I'd tell myself
"If you drop your phone, do you stomp on it? No. Pick it up and keep going."
That was my mantra
Despite not having a cell phone at the time.
...
I have become boring, haven't I?
and a hell of a lot less toxic.
...Although the good thing about having more control is that I can treat myself like a machine.
Machines don't break down due to mental health.
Unless you're 9s ;_;7
...
>I remember meeting [C]!
>Me too (x3)
>"Was it as awkward for all of you as it was for me?"
>Probably not
I'm doing something wrong.
All this text makes it sound like I'm a popular person.
That shouldn't be the case.
...
>Tired as hell
>Heck it must be well past midnight now
>Look at clock
>9:21pm
What's my age again?
Certainly not 23.
Though it was at one point.
...
The cute anime girls make me feel something, maybe.
That's the point of these posts, too.
To drag out some emotion.
...I feel like I'm not doing a very good job.
...
What the hell am I supposed to talk about to drag out emotions?
Embarrassing myself? Cute anime girls? Old memories? My ex?
That's all I have, isn't it?
but none of it really matters.
Maybe it's because I'm tired.
Sometimes when I'm tired I don't feel emotions I'm supposed to feel.
"supposed to"
Well I guess it's more like "expected to"
...
I was going through the folder I have of my ex.
I wanted to see what I had saved in there for recordings.
Since she wrote songs about me.
None of them are saved in there it seems.
I also noticed I can't find a specific video she recorded for me.
In which she started tearing up because she missed me.
I mattered enough to someone to tear up over.
Was it only important to me because of the ego boost?
edit: even going through the folder is like looking at a version of a person that a version of me loved. Rather than looking at someone who exists, that I personally loved.
I didn't cry when our relationship ended.
I was glad it was over.
I remember thinking when it ended:
"Shouldn't I be sad right now?
"Shouldn't I be crying?"
"Sometimes it takes a bit longer to hit you."
Even when she dumped me I was deadpan through the whole thing.
She dumped me, and I was the one consoling her.
Something about that isn't right, is it?
edit: It definitely mattered and hurt a lot at one point, even if not at the end.
...
and I thought:
"If I deleted this folder, would everything I felt for her be lost forever?"
what if that were the case?
What would I have to bring back my humanity then?
...
4 scoops, obviously.
No that would make me leave it behind even more.
...
Being mentally stable and on Adderall.
It's easy to forget about anything outside of work.
I'm lucky people pay attention to me.
Otherwise I might be without any tethers.
but even like this, some things blur together.
Certain things, I can't remember if they happened 3 weeks ago, or 3 days ago.
...
Imagine if I did get a big tiddy goth gf or whatever.
and they read this post.
What would they think?
"emotionally unavailable"
"fake"
--------
That's bs
You aren't fake or unavailable to the people you trust.
unavailable implies there's something there that isn't being used.
It is available.
It's just that what's available happens to be worthless.
...For a second there I thought I was trying to console myself.
Nope.
...
I could go on about this subject for an eternity.
but like in that first blog post, the more I do, the worse it gets.
Well, the worse it seems.
What if it isn't weird?
If no one minds.
but that hasn't been the general reaction up until now, has it?
Okay let's ramble about anime tiddies.
I don't really have anything to say on the subject.
Because I have no preference.
...
I watched Plastic Memories.
I'd been wondering what it was for a while, and it has a 4/5 on MAL so I watched it.
Instead of reading Medaka Box. Well in addition to, actually.
It was kinda cute I guess.
Watching it made me feel old.
I guess it makes sense since the characters are younger than me too.
I liked the last episode.
The lap pillow scene was cute.
...
I prefer being a lap pillow, over having one.
What a twist. Maybe.
I think a lot of things that should feel good to me, don't.
Food as an example.
Eating doesn't really feel good to me.
Some people get addicted to food, but if I didn't have to eat at all I wouldn't.
That sort of thing doesn't only apply to food.
Lap pillow, too, it seems.
but I get validation out of being useful, or out of making other people happy.
So I'd choose being a lap pillow over having one.
...
I'm weak.
That's why.
...
I'm selfish too.
Very selfish.
...
Moving forward, but still stuck in one place.
Because I don't go anywhere.
and I don't care to.
...
We're almost to chapter 90.
...
Seems like the type of thing I draw pleasure from the most.
I mean since I don't really get it out of food.
or get it out of physical contact.
Generally, is managing to do something I don't think I'm capable of.
Which is why torturing myself is ultimately a good feeling.
It just isn't instantly gratifying.
Feeling sick all the time sucks.
but breaking PRs I set 4+ years ago feels good.
Enough to offset the negative.
Which is why I enjoy being stressed out.
It means I'm being pushed.
...
That's probably where the ego comes from too.
From proving myself wrong.
So I started getting this idea that I'm a capable person.
and setting higher standards for myself because of that.
...
and there's a feeling of valuing that over everything else.
-------
Chapter 90. We did it.
dont forget to keep posting cute anime grils
-------
Otherwise you'll forget to include feelings in this post.
Maybe.
...
[sentence]
Maybe.
Patterns.
...
Intentional?
Not really.
It's just a platform for expression.
and it's the one I'm using at present.
but I have OCD so I tend to fixate on a single thing for a time.
or sometimes a really long time.
Servants?
That's why I repeat jokes.
...
Last time I saw my psychiatrist his desk was a little bit messy.
I wanted to clean it, but I was also thinking:
"It's a god damned trap."
but what is he going to do? Lock me up for tidying?
So I fixed it.
Having the idea that something like that could be a trap is insane.
If I didn't recognize that as insane, it would mean I'm insane.
but there's a lot I don't want to tell him, or anyone else.
...
Would he be able to do anything?
I doubt it.
...
I function pretty well like this anyway, don't I?
The only issue is close interpersonal relationships.
I don't have many of those.
So there's no problem!
Shouldn't you want to?
Shouldn't you want to feel like there are no issues?
More than anything, I want it to be okay for me to be me.
Just because I don't always feel anything, doesn't mean I don't care.
There are just gaps sometimes.
I don't know, maybe there's some part of my brain that doesn't function properly.
You mean the whole thing?
I have had a few head bumps in my time.
"He might go blind"
I'm really hung up on this.
I keep bringing it up.
Because I don't want to lie, and I don't want people to freak out.
but I don't have any way to change it.
What if I did talk to him about it?
My psychiatrist.
It's probably not a huge deal.
Right?
...
I really liked reading Cross Channel.
Everyone's a little bit different.
No one is a forced stereotype.
Just because you're one thing, it doesn't mean that's all you are.
I can definitely see how that sort of thing could be alarming from an outside perspective.
...
This has pretty much turned into that first blog post I mentioned, at this point.
...
It's not too late. You don't have to post it.
...
No one will believe you anyway.
Except your mom.
but she knows you love her.
and no one reads this to begin with, right?
...
Can you imagine if you'd gone blind?
You'd be just like a cute anime girl.
Except with severe mental illness.
In reality.
So I'd probably be dead right now in other words.
I'm lucky I didn't go blind.
See? Everything that works out in my favor is due to luck.
It's irrefutable.
No I don't really believe that.
...
Can you imagine attempting suicide as a blind person?
"Oh I need help finding the rope. I'm blind."
That's pretty terrible.
...
Today I was thinking about having been a hikiNEET in the past.
Some periods went without any social interaction at all.
It felt like my sense of self was fading.
It wasn't me, and other people.
or individual identities.
But I talked to myself.
I don't even remember what my conversations were, but I remember them being strange.
It was like the more time I spent alone, the weirder things got.
...
Being around other people you pick up their mannerisms.
Consciously, or not.
But completely alone, what happens?
...
I'm exhausted.
I should end this post soon.
...
Maybe I should steer away from the weird stuff a bit first.
...
This definitely could have been a lot weirder.
"This isn't even my final form"
...
"Gaps"
Just pretend it's your waifu stealing everything.
Not really a reassuring idea.
Yeah falling into a black hole, basically.
and I don't even know it's missing until someone points it out.
...
Sleeping all day.
Mad jelly.
--------------
Got another "I love you" today.
From a guy.
I said it back.
I'm not really sure what to say at this point.
No homo.
They were all different guys.
...
I really am fond of most of the people I work with.
------
Got another "I love you" today.
From a girl.
I said it back.
Just ki-
No really.
No hetero.
Or something.
Not sure why all these people are telling me they love me.
Probably coincidence.
...
I'm tired.
--------------
Mom
"You need a girlfriend"
Oh yeah.
and then I get a girlfriend.
and it'll be like.
"You need to have kids."
I see the trap.
Well at least she isn't telling me to play Nier.
---
or asking for tree fiddy.
"read medaka box or I'll sacrifice a kitten to Saten"
edit: "Saten" was a typo
Lo and behold.
You're not supposed to negotiate with terrorists.
I'm pretty sure that's not how that conversation went.
Sure it did. I just threw in an extra sentence for emphasis.
That's all.
but there's only one sentence in quotes there.
That's okay.
...
I have The Heart of Life stuck in my head
Not sure why.
...
Reminds me of when I was in LA
Mr Wayne was playing Jack Johnson in his car.
and of course I know all his songs, despite not hearing them for years and years.
...
I'm glad I feel okay.
but part of me is worried.
Maybe I'll keep getting older, and then I'll be old and lonely.
Like a christmas cake
...
or maybe I'm already there.
Did I waste it?
No. I'm in my prime right now.
Maybe not in terms of age though.
but I'm spending it similarly to how I spent my hikiNEET years.
because it's home.
-----
I had a nightmare.
Everything was slipping away.
My memories, and my emotions.
and I had no idea.
Everything felt normal.
Until near the end of the dream.
I realized what was happening.
and then I woke up.
It was scary.
...
I saw my psychiatrist again.
He always asks if I've started dating again when I see him.
He did again this time.
I told him no.
He asked me why.
I told him "I guess I'm insecure."
He said "Why? You're tall and you're handsome."
I told him very very briefly that sometimes I'm emotionally unavailable.
I didn't really want to specify what I meant.
I felt like he might treat me differently if I did.
Even though he's a psychiatrist and it's his job to deal with mental illness.
I'm probably one of the most normal patients he has.
but it can be a shock to find out someone you think is normal, is a bit different.
He handled it pretty well, with the limited amount I told him.
...
Although he didn't tell me anything I hadn't already thought of, in length.
...
He said it's important to communicate that kind of thing in a relationship.
He also said it's important not to pretend to feel things you don't because people tend to pick up on that kind of thing, sooner or later.
I already know that.
It's better not to fake it.
Well generally.
...
I've learned a lot over time.
...
What if the person you're with requires constant validation?
What if they require constant support because they... aren't well?
...Then you're with the wrong person.
I guess so.
but everyone requires validation every once in a while.
Hypothetical situation:
What if their parent dies.
They're distraught.
but you don't care.
Not emotionally anyway.
You want to be there for them because you don't want them to hurt, or be sad.
But if you're honest, do you really care?
Do you tell them that?
No. It'll make it even worse and push them away from you.
Do you fake it?
No, they'll realize it and it'll push them away from you.
Do you explain to them your predicament?
No. They won't understand.
Is there a way around it?
I don't know.
So in a relationship, that sort of thing will eventually pop up.
Probably sooner, rather than later.
and I don't know how to deal with it.
So shouldn't I be alone?
No. I shouldn't waste anyone's time.
That's what I believe.
That's why I'm insecure.
...
Should I be giving up?
I was of the opinion that I would never be able to hold a job due to my mental health.
I proved myself wrong on that account. It just took forever.
but I did it largely with help from drugs.
....
I have a co-worker who asks if I've started dating again all the time too.
"Well the answer has been no the last 5000 times you asked me, you think it'll be different this time?"
I don't really want to say that.
It's reassuring in a way.
I feel like it implies he thinks I'm not totally worthless.
...
I had to take a break from the gym because eating was making me sick.
I imagine there are muscles in the stomach that handle digestion.
Well that's what I hope.
If that's the case then overworking them without rest is a really bad idea.
Either way, my body came to a halt on digesting food efficiently.
For that reason, I lost a bit of weight.
Then I started to get back into it.
and I immediately came down with a cold.
So I had no choice but to take even more time off.
I'm so skinny, and it took no time at all.
I doubt it'll take very long to get it back though.
...
I'm writing a Pathfinder campaign.
I've never really made an attempt at creative writing before.
This seems like the first.
I kind of want to spoil it on this blog.
but at least one of the players reads this.
So I mustn't.
...
I guess I'll end the post here.
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