PDRTO3

edit: this post is rambling before bed. that's it.
edit: --- separates days. ... is a pause in time.

This is hard.

I made an entire post of sleep time ramblings, but

It was too personal.

Every thought that came through my head is in that post, not just silly little thoughts about things that don't matter. It went into detail with some of my psychological issues. A lot of detail.

I'm afraid to post it, and this is coming from the fag that posted himself wearing a skirt.

Is it okay to be afraid?

Yeah don't worry. This one's going to be plenty embarrassing too.
...
It already is.
...
Tfw no qt satori gf to read my mind and tell me I'm not an ugly person.

>implying I wouldn't just scare her away with lewd thoughts

Flipping skirts.

Uiharu.

edit:

...
Surprisingly, don't really have lewd thoughts.

Unless forcefully aroused.
...
I mean unless the arousal response is intentionally triggered.

Well. Either it sounds like I'm autistic, or it sounds like I'm into rape.

Not sure which is worse.

Let's pretend it's both.

Yeah "pretend."
...
For the record the only real fetish I'd consider myself having is one for saliva.

I like saliva.

Maybe I should veer away from the lewd subject matter.
...
Do you ever have thoughts and think

"Well that's embarrassing. I'm glad I didn't actually say that"

That's this entire post. Except it's all being left in.

Why did I think this was a good idea?

I have no idea.
...
I have autismo
...
Okay here we go.
...
I guess I could ramble about some of what was in that other post.

I have an idea

ctrl+f

"lap pillow" 10 results.

god damn

Although that stuff is less embarrassing for the most part.
...
I don't really want to go into anything else in that post.

but even though it's edgy and exposing, I'm very fond of it.
...
I'm just too much of a pussyassnigga to post it.
...
Everything has to be word for word, too, doesn't it?

Can't edit anything.

or rewrite it.
...
"I don't really consider money a priority. It's just a means to an end."

Writing every thought that comes into my head?

Seems like an odd lone thought though.
...
Kinda funny. That other post.

Emotional dysfunction.

Other problems.

Still ended up sounding like a total normie.

Well-adjusted normie.
...
Like I think there's something wrong with me, but what I want is pretty simple.
...
Brainwashing.

Not like in a cult " brainwashing".

Self.

veer away.

Though maybe I should say something now that I've brought it up.

Brainwashing in an attempt to regulate mental stability.

That's basically it.
...
Wouldn't recommend it.

Wouldn't recommend being depressed either.
...
I haven't really clarified anything, have I?

I don't really want to get into my mental problems again.
...
I'm doing my best to take care of myself, but I still have a bit of a hard time.

Mostly just a little unhappy.

Not happy, but I'm not used to being happy either.
...
I'm really tired.
...
I'm supposed to go to the gym tomorrow, but I don't know if I'll be able to wake up.
...
Not gonna make it.
...
I really like that picture of Satori.

She's pretty.
...
Boring person.

Nothing interesting to ramble about.

It's not like I'm holding back.

Not really.

I think I just need to go to sleep.

It hurts.
...
I feel sad.
-------

I posted a waifu at the start of this post, so here's another one.

What to ramble about tonight? I'm not really sure.
...
Guess I'll get some food

Even though I'm not hungry.
...
Okay I got food.

I'm full.

I haven't even started yet.

C'MON.
...
It's a shake.

1 scoop.

but it's probably at least 1000 calories.

Gaining weight is hard.

So is finding something interesting to ramble about.

That other post was interesting.

Just too personal

It's hard being open.

Couldn't even be open with the person I was dating.

but I guess there was a good reason for that.
...

"Sorry"

Am I?

I don't know.

I didn't want it to be like that.

...

>Takes up 70% of the bed despite being half your size

That's funny

I swear that must be a female trait.

Not necessarily, but I haven't slept with enough men to offset that possibility.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

...

Ah this is sounding bad isn't it?

"All women are bed-hoggers" 

Blanket generalization about a gender

and an implication that I've slept with dudes.

Yeah. My dad. After I had a nightmare.

and it's like only two females I've known have been like that.

One is my sister.

...

Cat is like that too. Likes to just take up the middle of the bed.

Little bastard.

Hasn't done that in a while though.

...

My eyes do not want to stay open.

...

That train horn again, off in the distance.

What a beautiful sound.

"Haunting" I guess.

Stupid.

It's something I've been hearing since I can remember. Over the years.

...

I love the night.

So dark. So quiet.

Peaceful.

...

Dreary, yeah?

I have mixed feelings about my life right now.

Sometimes I feel so stressed out.

Sometimes I feel sad because nothing matters.

Sometimes I feel content because this is okay.

...

I think I'd feel a lot more lost if I didn't have

I mean if my future was

Seemed a lot more insecure

but as it is now, it seems like everything will be okay

As long as I keep doing my best.

...

Maybe.

...

Kind of interesting, having grown up on the internet.

Having known people of different nationalities

I've picked up a few different cultural behavioral habits.

I don't use them that often though.

Mostly use "eh".

Never used to, but everyone else does.

Seemed like a good thing to do to fit in, I guess.

...

Just don't let anyone know you don't care about hockey.

Haha.

...

I've had people talk to me about hockey like I know what they're talking about.

It's not "oh do you follow hockey?"

It's just full, straight into it, "this dude must know what I'm talking about"

and I haven't a clue.

"Have you met god?"

"How about I introduce you to him?"

That sounds like something a serial killer would say

or a priest, maybe.

A serial killer priest.

Sure.
...
So basically, Repent.

Character from our Pathfinder game.

Religious fanatic.

Fun game.

Funny, too.
...
Yeah, this is rambling. That's the point

I should start drinking that shake now.

The puke shake.
...
I just want to sleep.

Soon tm.
...
"Must be lonely, not being able to be open with anyone."

I thought, as I did exactly the same thing.

Although "open" wasn't the word I used, originally, was it?

I don't remember.

Why do I keep coming back to this shit?

Because in a world that's work, lift, pathfinder on Saturday's.

There's not a whole lot to go back to.
...
Watch your language.
...
Too bad I can't edit anything, I guess.
...
But it's not like I'm totally against foul language anyway

I just try to avoid for the most part.
...
"Nothing wrong with being gay"

He says as he browses an imageboard even gayer than lgbtq

Well the gay part isn't the issue

It's thinking you can deny it just using the phrase "no homo"
...
Like "oh I could have an orgy with a bunch of dudes"

"but as long as I say "no homo" after, it means I'm not gay"

I think that's debatable.
...
If I heard anyone else say that I'd try to assert that it wasn't debatable.

"No homo" perfectly deflects any possibility of being gay.

Even though I think that's completely ridiculous.
...
I like it when people laugh.

I like laughing too.
...
This post is stupid, isn't it?

That's kind of the point.
...
Hm

Kind of interesting.

I seem to be a rock
...
Well probably not

It just seems like things that would've made me unstable in the past, no longer do.

I couldn't make myself mentally unstable if I tried.
...
Maybe I'm wrong.

Surely there's a breaking point somewhere.
...
We just haven't reached it yet.
...
Remember when you found me?

or I found you?

I don't remember

I was playing Dark Souls

Over and over and over.

Had a period of not talking to anyone for a while.

Could barely form a sentence, right?

It was like a hard reset.

Had to restart and re-calibrate, and build it back up from there.

We sure did, didn't we?

Good job team.

He says to no one but himself.
...
but really, Azid, and Paveru,
...
This post is a bit more boring in a way.

That other one was like a roller coaster.

Well, not really.
...
Not exactly.

Of course I keep talking about it

and you're reading this thinking something

I'm a bastard for talking about a post you might not read

Something like that, right?

I hope this post is okay.
...
Still remember playing WoW during BC.

Started in vanilla, but I was a kid during vanilla.

So it's not like I really raided in vanilla.

BC.

Was my favorite.

Blackrock. BEEGEE 9.

Australian's.

Love that accent.

Australian people are funny.

American's are too, but Australian humor tends to be slightly different.

Ridiculous.
...
Good time.

Now they're bringing vanilla back.

No intention of playing it.

It'd be like a full time job.

I barely have enough time to play Pathfinder on Saturday's.
...
Just keep lifting until somebody loves you.

Right?

Stupid.

No one's gonna love you even if you lift.

Well

That's not what I meant, but you're probably right.

This was supposed to be a joke.
...
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
...
I hate that movie.
...
ECT the movie.

I wanted to get ECT at one point.

Really bad.

7 anti-depressants.

Hadn't had luck with them.

Asked the doctor about ECT

He said it wouldn't help long term

I'd just go back to being depressed after a while

"Oh so what you're telling me is that I should fucking die?"

Is what I thought at the time

I wrote down all the anti-depressantst I took

My results with them.

One of them, I ruled as inconclusive for efficacy

I didn't stay on it long due to the side effects

I tried it again.

I'm still on it.

Seems like it works.

Or maybe it does nothing and I'm mentally stable due to a wizard.

I have no idea.

Whatever.
...
Seems like luck.

Anything that ever works out for me is due to luck.

I'm naturally lucky?

I don't know.

I should go to sleep.
...
Oh that's a symptom of imposer syndrome.

I don't really relate to that.

Low self esteem

but I try really really hard

I'm not a complete idiot

and I'm persistent.

also I don't really care if I fail since I'm used to being a failure.

yolo

or something.
...
Silly.

Sleep
...
Yeah that's what I want to see

Open my eyes and just see a vein bulging on my forearm

That's comforting.

Not really.

It's creepy.
...
Well to me it is.
------------

I'm tired

and yet I feel like I shouldn't be.

Well it's just my eyes

They're trying to close.

but I don't feel that tired.

That's funny.

That's something I'd say when I was a kid.

and then suddenly I'd be asleep.

I'm pretty sure.

Kind of like when I think "oh I'll just nap for a little bit"

4+ hours later

I'm still asleep.
...
Mr sleepy eyes.

I'm starting to feel tired now.
...
Some of the thoughts I have are so strange.

They aren't ordinarily, though.

Mostly.

That's why having someone read my mind wouldn't be very frightening.

Except what they would be able to do with that information.

That would be frightening.

What would they be able to do?

I don't really know.

I guess it'd feel like a disadvantage.

Someone that could read my mind would always have something over me.

If they wanted to be cruel they could.

Nothing would stop them.

I can't just withhold information to protect myself.

That's kinda horrible. Isn't it?
...
It would be nice to trust someone to that degree.

Although it's not like I don't.

Pretty sure Paveru Hakase wouldn't blink seeing what was in my head.

How to earn someone's trust:
>Protect their smile
Yeah that's it.
...
Is it bed time yet?
...
Hm

What if I'm not completely unattractive?

Not sure why I'm thinking about that.
...
Girls asking me to hang out.
...
I tend to just ignore stuff like that
...
That's funny.

"I don't even want to get out of bed"
"Well what if they asked me to hang out in bed?"
"That does not sound like a good time"

Especially when you consider all women are bed-hogs

Suddenly I've got 30% of a bed I could have 100% of

It just wouldn't work.

Ridiculous.
...
I don't know. I think it's a little bit funny.

Yeah that's the real reason my relationship didn't work out.
...
Where was I originally going with that?

It seems like I ignore whatever positive qualities I have.

Like if I do 3 smart things, and 1 dumb thing.

The 1 dumb thing is what I pay attention to.

I'm dumb because I did 1 dumb thing.

Doesn't matter if the other 3 things were smart.
...
Too hard on myself, I guess.
...
Yet still somehow have an ego.
...
From where I started to where I am, I guess it isn't nothing.
...
That other post was a bit different.
...
This one is disappointing, kinda.

This post
>stay away from girls. they're bed hogs

The other post
>I'm afraid of getting attached to anyone. It feels threatening.

Pretty much.
...
and then 10 results of "lap pillow"

You sad bastard.
...
I should sleep.
...
Always making jokes so you don't have to feel anything.

or deal with anything.

Child.
...
They'll make a mess out of your pots and pans, too.
...
Of all the things I could've taken away from that though.

That's hilarious.

You could be bitter as hell and hate all women

but instead it's just

"fuck man women take up too much space in bed"

Yeah I'm still going on about this.

Meds are kicking in.

Will be unconscious very soon.
...
I don't think it's necessarily a gender thing anyway. I think it's a personality thing.

I could be wrong.
---------
Does this count?

Home from the gym.

6:41am.

Got home 40 minutes ago.

Tired. My body is exhausted.
...
I'm sleeping.
------
>I'm surprised
>Going to the gym early in the morning
>I didn't think you were a morning person
>I'm not
ayyy
I am so tired
...
Remembering

I had to give a class presentation. In front of 30 people at most

Giving the presentation

So much anxiety.

"Why is he shaking?"

Alpha as fuck.

and like a year prior I'd given a presentation in front of ~1000 people.

No anxiety, or at least very little.

What the heck happened?

Well, I do know the answer to that.

Friendship is magic, or something.
...
Cat is snugging me.

Spends like a week out on the couch.

Suddenly she's bored of being alone and wants attention.

I guess I know what that feels like.

Someone looking at me with love/adoration.

That's the look on her face.

and now I'm typing this with one arm because she has the other one.

Everyone knows when a cat snugs on you, you cannot move.

This is my life now.

So as I pray, unlimited scritch works.

...
Same with a person, eh?

A person snugs on you, you cannot move.

Well I guess it depends on context.
...

People keep asking me if I'm going to date again.

Kinda figured they would've stopped by now.

I give the same answer every time.

...

if I have anything on the burner?

Like I'm going to meet someone when I don't get out much.

...

I think realistically the only way I'm going to meet someone is through a dating app.

I don't want to do that.

...

Feelings are hard.

"What did he mean by this?"

...

"I'll show you hard"

...

Co-workers.

Not a good idea.

"Probably not a good idea to date again at all"

"A problem with me?"

That's part of it.

Sometimes I can't get it up.

I mean emotionally.

...

Probably not apparent.

Not from reading this blog.

"what kind of person plays nier without feeling much?"

This one.

...

Probably not uncommon.

Emotional dysfunction, though.

I almost never feel strong emotions.

and when I do it seems like they're quickly snuffed out.

Like they're a threat so my body eliminates them.

"I shouldn't go into this"

Yeah, probably not.

"dispassionate"

...

...however it can.

This doesn't have to make sense to the person reading it, does it?

It probably should.

Eh whatever.

...

I guess they are a threat.

2014 is a good example of that.

My life during that year I mean.

The closer I stay to baseline the less my emotions will fluctuate.

Not really a fear of mental instability.

Just a nuisance having to deal with them.

...

I guess I kinda missed the mark on what I meant by not being able to get it up.

Because even when my emotions fluctuate...

You know, don't you?

You should be well aware.

...

Ah, I kinda want to delete the last few parts.

I guess I can leave them at that and ramble about something else.

...

How much of human interaction is empty?

How much of it is people saying things they don't mean?

"How's it going?"

Just as an example.

No one cares.

I told one person I don't care at all.

and I sometimes make a point to ask him just as a joke.

...

Although it's not like I don't care about how he's doing.

I just think "how's it going" is stupid.

I'd rather ask him specifically.

"How's work?" "How's your health?" "Are you going to the gym?"

Stuff like that.

...

This is turning into that other post.

Well, it's trying to.

...

Smiling and laughing, looking away due to shyness.

I wonder how that comes across.

How often do I do that?

...

Yeah this really wants to turn into that other post.

...

Intentionally choosing not to date because I'm hung up on something?

No I already told you it's because then I'd only have 30% of a bed.

...

"THAT'S WHY YOU GET TWO BEDS NIGGA"

...

and then you put them together and make an awesome fort

that's a relationship

sure

...

Where would I hang my "no girls allowed" sign?

...

You see, it just wouldn't work.

...

I guess I'm somewhat apathetic.

Says mister "lap pillow" 10 results guy.

You don't know what was in that other post.

edit: lap pillow lap pillow lap pillow lap pillow lap pillow lap pillow lap pillow

...

More time I'd have to dedicate to something when I'm already occupied.

I'd have to take that time from somewhere.

Nah, just multi-task eating time with relationship time.

Have you ever noticed that when I'm around I'm always eating?

It's usually not because I want to.

...

and I certainly don't want to wake up at 5am

SO THEN WHY DO I DO IT?

I have no idea

Workout goals?

I hadn't really thought of that.

I'm just doing it.

...

but whatever they are, I seem to be getting closer.

...

HUGE

HUUUUUUGE

...

Oh right. Goal body.

but it's not really something I'm seriously going for.

or considering long term.

edit: like how I wasn't seriously going for a promotion

edit: some pranks just go too far.

...

if I wasn't working out

Go to work

Come home

Go to work

Come home

That'd be it, wouldn't it?

...

Maybe it makes me feel a bit less lost.

Like it helps add to that feeling that I'm doing well and building my future.

While distracting me from how empty it'll probably be.

...

Grandkids?

Not happening.

...

At least my sister's in a long term relationship.

...but I'd probably be a better parent than her.

Kind of an inherent trait

Genetic, I guess.

Although, oddly I've already learned.

if you have kids, teach them to do things for themselves

even if they're struggling, let them struggle

if they can't struggle, then step in and do what you can

gentle guiding is okay.

but it's too late for that isn't it?

What am I talking about?

...

Although even if you're a good parent, bad parenting from the other side can cause trouble

it can make your parenting less effective

...

That's kind of hilarious. Thinking I'd be a better parent.

Can't even clean my room... Well, couldn't.

...

Probably sounds like I'm talking about my own parents.

Not exactly.

...

Probably isn't too late.

...

"when I grow up I want to marry daddy"

Dreams the former lolicon.

"former"

though there's a big difference between a lolicon and the other...

>loli footjob

G O D  T I E R

O

D

T

I
E
R

Not my thing, honestly.

All that text just to say I'm not into it.

Silly.

...

That's why Raphtalia is god tier

You got the loli version

and you got the not loli version

Best of both worlds.

That ain't why.

...

That's got nothing to do with it.

>isekai waifu

>god tier

pleb taste confirmed

"Shouldn't it already be obvious? I rated nier 12/10"

It's a good thing I didn't actually say that.

Although I wouldn't mean it. It's just sass.

...

Talking like I know anything.

Though I do think some skills translate over.

...

Stupid though.

Having kids can ruin your life.

Why the hell would I want something like that?

I don't know.

Idealism, I guess.

Idealism is stupid.

How does that quote go?

"Behind every realist is a disappointed idealist"

Something like that.

...

I feel like I type with a tone like I don't care. I've given up.

I don't know if that's how it comes across.

...

Maybe not.

...

Transition:

Realizing how horrible everything in the world is, not being able to handle it.

Accepting it, and trying to avoid it.

Accepting it, and trying to make the best of it.

What's the next step?

Crashing this plane.

...

I just haven't figured out what to ramble about next.

...

When I was a NEET it was like no one expected anything of me.

I was useless. I couldn't do anything.

Now being where I am now.

Am I going to date again?

Like I'm capable of fooling someone into wasting time on me

That's a pretty brutal way to put it.

Asking me for grandkids.

Like I'm a responsible adult.

Wouldn't make sense to ask someone for that if you didn't they were capable.

Unless you meant it as a joke.

but it wasn't a joke.

...

I still have something of a low opinion of myself.

but it's interesting considering that other people might not.

...

Says the guy who-

How often does my dad says he's proud of me?

Once a year bare minimum.

...

I was so excited to see him.

I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks.

"I have work to do. NO WAIT THERE'S MY DAD."

"FORGET WORK. GO HUG DAD. DAD. DAD. DAD."

Silly boy.

...

I'm not a boy. I'm a man. Thank you very much.

Nah. Still feel like a boy. Still live like one, too, really.

...

Why do you think I have money?

Although it's not like I don't pay for my own expenses.

...

I like this post.

Someone to talk to.

The other one was like that too, but more open.

Also more emotional.

...

More vulnerable.

Yeah put that out there for anyone to read.

At least this way I can embarrass myself without being vulnerable.

I mean none of this really matters.

Nothing I'm hugely embarrassed about.

...

Honest thoughts without diving into a mess of psychological issues.

It wasn't really much of a mess, just a few things I haven't worked through.

and I feel like I worked through something while doing that.

...

I wonder if I'm an okay writer.

I don't know why I hadn't really thought of that until now.

I like a lot of the stuff I write. A lot of the final versions. This post.

I like reading it because of how it's written.

I'm sure someone else reading this is like "oh yeah this guy's an idiot"

or some people are so bored by it they stop reading after the first few sentences.

but you've read this far, haven't you? You're still reading.

Don't you have something better to do?

I certainly don't.

...

I check my damn reading list pretty well every day.

There's almost never anything new.

...

I guess I've been told my writing is pretty. Twice now.

...

I'm so tired.

...

Oh no she's back

The dreaded cat.

I need to go to sleep

Also need to finish eating.

>More likely to gain weight if you sleep too much

Oh no I've lost my window

>More likely to gain weight if you don't get enough sleep

Oh perfect.

I never get enough sleep when I eat big to get big.

"but you eat big to get big every night"

face.jpg

...

"like an episode of violet evergarden"

what did he mean by this

--------

I'm tired.

"If you're so tired then go to sleep!"

Nah. Gotta complain about it first. Maximum complaining.

...

It's basically the first thing that comes to mind when I look at this post.

...

Dirty jokes make me laugh.

Jokes that can be taken a few ways.

"Oh it's a tight fit. I don't know if I'll be able to get it in there."

J-jam it in.

Autism.

...

"Jack hammering."

I used to just casually say that to people without any real lewd intent.

but the way it was taken-

Well I think, some people took it lewdly.

When I think about a jackhammer, I think about a literal jackhammer.

Not the other thing.

Not everyone does.

Memes.

The DNA of the soul

...

This seems kinda lewd.

...

Thinking about that again

>Do you want a back massage?

>Sure

>Just let me know when you get hard so I can run away

>Oh I was hard the moment you walked in the door

>Suddenly make eye contact with uninvolved female co-worker

Oh my.

That was embarrassing. I didn't mean to do that.

It was funny though.

She took it pretty well.

...
Remember: it's only sexual harassment if you report it.

That sounds pretty bad.
...
Maybe that whole thing sounds pretty bad.
...
Weird person.

All these jokes that would be crossing the line in any other context.

but the moment someone takes one of them seriously, I turn all red.

All that fake confidence.
...
She didn't take it seriously. She knew I was joking.
...
There's a difference between dirty and lewd I guess.
...
Meds are knocking me out.
...
awawawaaa
-----------
I guess that's love.

Cat threw up.

First thing I think of is "I hope she's okay"

Rather than how much of a pain it'll be to clean it up.

I used to be way more irresponsible with her.

and in general, eh?

Yeah.
...
Now I'm too responsible.

No, really.

For the most part anyway.

Getting involved in problems that have nothing to do with me.

Because I'll feel bad if I don't do anything.
...
and I'm stressed out about it.

Not worth it.
...
but I feel upset when I don't do anything.

I'd be a better mom than a dad

No homo.

or something.
...
Why not both?

Sure.

I don't like that implication.

...
Ahhhhhh why am I still stressed out?

"Couldn't be all that stress I'm putting on my CNS"

Stimulants. A lack of sleep. Heavy weights.
...
"Mudkips"

Yeah just say that for no reason.

Some meme from... I don't know. 2007? Something like that.

What the hell. A meme I haven't used or thought about in ages.
...
I am very tired

"Hang on let me ctrl+f "tired""

11 results. Impressive.

Very nice.
...
What if I go back and edit all that out?

Would kinda defeat the purpose of the post

Like restarting when the original was too much to be open about.
...
Technically, I didn't edit or delete anything.

"I'll just post it"

I didn't do that.
...
Would have to be pretty bad, I guess.

"You've got that right"
...
Even my typing sounds irritable.

Well, thoughts. Thoughts do.

They usually do.
...
Yet somehow people seem to think I'm patient.

"not hard to look good when other people look bad"

Is that it?
...
I'm pretty immature as all hell.

I feel like.

It's just that I have self-control.

So even constantly having immature first impulses.

I rarely externalize them.
...
So somehow people think I have the patience of a saint.

I don't.
...
Well that's how I feel, anyway.
...
I do find that impressive in other people though.

When they're clearly stressed out, but still managing to handle everything with a smile.

I admire that.
...
I guess that's me.

"oh but if it's a trait on me it has to be disgusting or whatever right?"

I should stop typing out my instant thoughts.

So rude.
...
Not a good separation to have.

Between two thoughts.

or two types.

Putting one in quotes, one not.

"two gay wolves"

Yeah that's it.
...
"I don't know. I don't really have anything interesting to talk about. Boring person."

ctrl+f "I don't know", now 11 results.
...
There's a lot I don't know.
...
12.
...
Easier not to care.
...
Even in a relationship with two beds, you still only get 60% of one bed.

Is that how it works?

That's being generous.

Some people are just really short and fat.
...
You've got that right.
...
Though I think building a fort would increase the 200% you'd get from 2 beds.

How much would depend on the size of the fort.

I have no idea what I'm debating with myself.

Is it metaphorical?

No it's just nonsense.
...
Like everything else.
...
60% is much better than 30%

That's over 50% of one bed.

You only really need 45% anyway.

Probably more like 40%.
...
Maybe 50% now that I'm no longer a total skelly.

Just mostly skelly.

How much do I weigh now?

It's more than 150lbs.

FAT.
...
Still in the low range of normal BMI.

How tall am I?

6 feet tall and approximately black.

You got it.
...
I forgot to consider blankets.
...
Well that's okay.

I'll do it later.

No I won't.
...
Besides if it's a fort, clearly you're using blankets as part of the fort's structure.

This fort thing seems really important to me.

Not sure why.
...
Eyes don't want to stay open.
...
Why do people seem to treat me so well, generally?

Seems weird.

Other people don't get the same treatment.

They're nice. They're friendly. They work hard. They get treated like shit.

but I don't.

Why?

People are monsters.
...
I really don't know.

Do I make their lives easier?

No, sometimes I give them a lot of work to do.

and somehow I'm still their favorite.
...
Because I'm younger?

I don't think so.
...
I make them laugh?

I doubt it.
...
"You're just so likeable!"

For no reason at all.
...
I'm honest and I have good intentions?

So do the people that get treated like shit.
...
Easier targets?
...
Aren't I also an easy target?
...
I meet their expectations.

Maybe that is it.

If I didn't meet their expectations, would I be treated like shit too?

Probably.
...
Kind of a useless thing to think about.
...
I don't think it warrants treating someone like shit just because they aren't top tier.
...
I just implied that I'm top tier.

This whole post is getting egotistical.

I liked it better when I really really hated myself.

At least then I didn't have any potentially positive traits to point out.

because I was a really shitty person.
...
Suddenly I'm not completely horrible, and it's all ego.

and there's a part of me that feels like it's true and another part doesn't want to accept it.
...
Complacency.

"Oh I'm a good person. Nothing to improve on!"

Mediocrity.
...
It's silly, isn't it?
...
Dumb and embarrassing.

So tired.
...
I'm a bad person.
...
Nier.
...
I supersetted tris and bis at the gym today.

edit: actually I did reverse shrugs, and curls focusing on forearms.

I normally don't do that. I rarely train arms directly.

I briefly imagined as if I were Rich Piana himself, completing the 8 hour arm workout.

No, not really, but I briefly thought about it.
...
I have completed an 8 hour arm workout before.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

edit: what did he mean by this?
...
It was a different time.
...
The longer I'm awake the weirder this is going to get.
...
Get out of my head.
...
Bad thoughts.

Bad voices, right?
...
Fuck me.

But not literally.
-------------
So hard on myself.

Pushing my body to do things even when it's screaming that it can't.

Should listen to it more.
...
The contract, is it worth the price?

A SOUL PLEDGED TO THE DUCKNESS

*guitar riff*

You are no sweet genius.

Two memes in one.

Maybe not a great idea.

How confusing is that if you don't understand the references?

But we are initiated, aren't we bruce?

or something.

edit: another reference.

Forgot three lines of lyrics before the guitar riff.

May as well post at least one reference.

...
That's my secret, cap, I'm always exhausted.

Adderall just allows me to function at a higher level while exhausted.

So instead of being exhausted from doing nothing, it's from working really hard.
...
My body is very unhappy.

Time to force more food into it that it doesn't want.

This should be considered abuse.

Maybe it is.

"I feel alive when I'm in pain"

"I get bored when I'm not stressed out."
...
"If I didn't have to eat I probably wouldn't"

Probably sounded edgy or autistic.

Some people really like food.

Too much of a "good" thing can make it very unappealing.

I don't want to eat.

Full time job.

Just want to be an eat NEET.

a Neat

NEAT?

I don't know

Not eat.

Come up with a cleverer acronym for me in the comments.

and don't forget to like and subscribe.

and upvote.

or whatever.
...
I meant expanded acronym.

Like

Not Eating Any Time

Actually that's not bad.

Okay forget the comment, and the upboats.

No one is going to read this anyway.

He says despite knowing at least a few people will.
...
I should replace all of my male pronouns with female pronouns.

Boom: cute girl

or just replace some of them

Boom: Instantly confusing.

If it isn't already.

There's another reference.
...
I make so many references I don't even realize some of them are references

At least not until I go back and reread what I typed out.
...
Anything's a reference if you're brave enough.

Just replace "brave" with "autistic".
...
Nothing about me is original. Everything's taken from somewhere.

What is a man?

A miserable pile of secrets.

Your memes end here.

That's 3 references, basically.
...
Even if I butchered them.
...
Even if it's a fake.

It's time to stop.
...
I should ramble about something less autistic.
...
I still have all these bird pictures saved and no one to send them to.

A co-worker has sent me a few cat pictures over text.

I guess I could ask if she likes birds.

That sounds like a really bad idea.

No one likes birds. Probably.

I do.
...
>About to go to bed.
>Oh an unsolicited pussy pic out of nowhere.
>I'm okay with this.

I mean a cat.

The other thing would be hugely inappropriate.
...
It'd be pretty disturbing.

I guess that's probably how girls feel about unsolicited dick pix.

I did say this post would contain dick pix, didn't I?

Here ya go:

This is starting to turn into a reskin of the other post. Kinda.
...
I mumble a lot.

I do weird things.

~Weird person.
...
Should try to get out of that habit.

It's mostly thinking aloud.
...
Kinda like this post, although it's silent.

and you can actually understand what I'm saying.

Well, to some degree.
...
I wonder how weird I come off as to other people.

I mean in general conversation.

I'm only as weird as the world allows me to be.
...
Some people have some expectation that I'm weird so I try to appeal to that.

and some people laugh when I'm weird so I try to appeal to that.

but some people get confused when I'm weird, so I have to be normal.

I guess it's just a difference in seriousness, rather than weirdness.
...
I tend to beat around the bush a lot.

I feel like I'm overly direct for the most part.

People probably wouldn't like that.

So I act a bit goofy.
...
Something my mom told me.

It sounds like I'm pissed off.

No I just don't care about anything other than getting what I want.
...
People don't like that.
...
People want to bond.

People don't want to mechanically complete things efficiently.
...
I'm no different, really.
...
It seems like my attitude is different for every individual I deal with.

That's probably normal.

Anxiety levels vary.

Many things vary on an individual basis, while talking to others.

Someone might laugh at everything I do, and have low comprehension.

Someone might not laugh at anything I do, and have high comprehension.

Variables.

Altering how I act around different people.

and their expectations.

What I'm used to.
...
I mostly don't make an effort to not be weird.

It depends on the mood of the person I'm talking to, too.

Some people get uncomfortable when I'm weird, so I have to instantly be less weird.

but some people don't care at all, so I can be as strange as I want.

I should probably care about that.

Seeming like an oddball.

Maybe not a good way to form relationships.
...
Though it's kind of strange.

I feel like if someone realizes that I have a high awareness for proper behavior.

They instantly write off any strange behavior as me being goofy.

Like they'll act like I'm a weird person, but they know I'm not actually weird.

I don't know.

Sometimes I say weird things unintentionally.

Without thinking.

"aahhhh why did I say thatttttt?"
...
What am I even rambling about.

Nonsense as usual.
...
I wonder if it makes it hard to see what I'm really thinking.

Maybe.
...
Maybe that's the point too.

Oh.. That's something I hadn't thought about.

That would explain a hell of a lot.
...
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's why I do it.

Acting goofy so people don't realize I'm annoyed and don't want to talk to anyone.

I don't want people to think I'm cranky all the time, even if I am.
...
Imagine if I handled anything I handle, by just being direct.

That wouldn't be good.

People would probably hate me.
...
Just as an example

I could go to someone and say "You fucked this up. Fix it."

Or I can do it in a much more gentle way and achieve the same thing.

Tact, I guess.

The difference is their mood and how they feel about me.
...
This really is just rambling.

Moving on.
...
HOW DID SHE GET MY NUMBER?
...
Asked someone else.

"oh people talk about me without my knowing"

That should be obvious.
...
Sometimes it's really hard to keep a smile on my face.

Sometimes I can't, and it feels awkward.

Going from smiling to a dead serious expression.

SLIPPING.
...
This is peak exhaustion.

Mental performance seems to decline as I become progressively more exhausted.

This is my collapse day. Friday.

Saturday is the day I catch up on most of the sleep I missed.

Also the day I deadlift because I'm not exhausted enough already.
...
It's not like crankiness is all it is.

I need to sleep.
...
You're still an idiot.
...
I have a pillow on my chest.

Cat came up, made herself comfortable, and started headbutting/licking my face.

Once again I only have one arm free.

and it is not easy to see the screen.

This makes it very difficult to actually go to sleep.

SANDPAPER TONGUE.

Surely she'll get off of me soon.

NOPE. STILL DOING IT.

and now she's pawing my shoulder.

This is just narration at this point.

Purring factory.

Mass producing purrs using materials gathered from cuddles.

WHAT DO I DO?
...
Annoy her until she leaves.

Cats hate affection... or something.

No. Not really.
...
See? It ain't working.

She's just getting more settled in!
...
So as I pray, unlimited snug works.
...
I guess that's love too.

"Her claws are digging into my shoulder and it hurts."
"but she seems pretty happy"
Something I had to get used to pretty quickly.

Having her pee on me at the vet, and dig her claws into me, because she's afraid.

Just gotta accept it and keep holding her.
...
I was going to go to bed at a decent hour.
...
She's still here.

I really need to sleep.
...
Dishonest?

Maybe it is.

I don't want people to know how I feel most of the time.

I wouldn't say the behavior is generally forced

but a smile isn't always an indicator of happiness

That's for sure

For someone who smiles a lot, I'm really not happy at all.

Allegedly.
...
SHE GOT UP. I'M FREE.
...
~I was originally going to go in a different direction with that whole weird thing.

Some of the things I do are weird, and it isn't on purpose.

I feel like there's something wrong with me.

I don't want to feel that way.

I don't want other people to feel that way.

Some people accept it.

I'm not weird. I'm me, and that's okay.

That feels so reassuring.

That's what I originally thought.
...
I'm really bad at hiding things.

The more I talk, the more I seem to reveal.

So don't say anything.
...
There's definitely a pattern in my behavior.

Humans aren't math, but they tend to follow patterns, similar to math.
-----------
I'll have to post this pretty soon.

I don't want to.

I'm okay with people seeing this post, so far.

but I have to work on the next post when I'm done with this.

It's nice having someone to talk to, even if it's just myself.

I don't talk with myself all that often, or anyone else really.

Not about anything.

Not about nothing.
...
This seems like it should have an ending.

Not just ramble on and on and abruptly stop.

Maybe I should end it here.
...
I'll go on a bit longer.

This is stupid.

My dad, to me, has always seemed like a ladies man.

He attracts people.

Not sure why.

Something he said is that some women are just attracted to people with our genetics.

Like there's no reason for it.

I feel like maybe that's right.

Guys on his side of the family tend to get around, I think.

Although being his son, I don't.

I'd have to go outside first, right?

Not even necessarily, it seems.

Although having low- allegedly low self esteem

Someone being into me, I'd have to assume it being for no reason.

Even if they list exactly why.

That's stupid.

but I hadn't thought about it.

I'm not special anyway.

Not really.
...
Chemistry is important isn't it?

Maybe not entirely.
...
Chemistry seems like the only thing that attracts me to someone.
...
No. That's not true.
...
"Admirable traits"

I should move on.
...
Laughing about it again.

I don't want to say what.

That's a bit rude, isn't it?
...
This post is still more open than I get with pretty much anyone.
...
How about another picture

and then I'll ramble based on whatever I upload

...
Edgy.

Gotta meet that edginess quota
...
Wish I could turn people into smoke like that.

Except I'd never ever do it.

It'd be a useless power to have.
...
At least for me.

I'd rather be able to fix things.

Real life heal slut.

Yeah. That's it.

I'm content not having any power.

I'd rather not draw any unnecessary attention.
...
Useless rambling.
...
My eyes don't want to stay open.
...
I guess I will end it here.

I'm going to nap for a bit.

Hopefully just a bit.

Next post will be Medaka Box Chapter 1-90.