Lauren and I used to spend all of our free time together. Our relationship was long distance, so what we could do together was limited, but it was enough to keep us happy. We talked a lot, we watched videos together, and we slept together. The longest call I remember was 16 hours long. I loved being with her. She made me feel so comfortable, welcome, and happy.
I loved talking to Lauren in our free time together. We're different people with different lives, but to me she always felt like someone I've never not known. For all of our differences, it seemed like we had so many things in common as people. We liked a lot of the same things, held many of the same beliefs, shared a sense of humor, and shared a lot of personality traits. Both of us also struggled with our mental health from time to time. Having her with me always helped me feel better, and having me with her always seemed to help her feel better.
Most of the videos we watched together were either food videos, or bird videos, and most of the movies we watched were either comedy or horror movies. Both of us are interested in cooking, and both of us love birds. Both of us also like comedy, and horror movies. It was an easy way to spend time together, while also doing basically nothing.
We had a 3 hour time difference, with me living on the west coast, and her on the east coast. It wasn't uncommon for her to fall asleep before me, and it wasn't uncommon for me to stay up much later than I should. Sometimes she had trouble falling asleep, so she would ask me to read to her. She told me my voice was soothing, and that it kept her mind occupied well enough to get to sleep. I loved reading to her. I still remember reading her Alice in Wonderland as if it were yesterday. It took us a few attempts to finish the entire story because she fell asleep so quickly every time I read it to her, but we did it.
I often stayed awake after she fell asleep, especially when I was feeling low. I don't like going to bed when I'm sad. I also felt sad when I had to be away from her. I don't like being around anyone for long periods, but I never felt that way with her. Instead I always felt like I didn't want to be away from her at all. Sometimes I was able to hear her breathing while she was asleep. When I was sad, hearing her breathing was calming. Every time she exhaled it felt like the sadness was being pushed away. I considered recording it just to have it to playback whenever I felt especially terrible, but I never did. Sometimes I would hear her get restless, and sometimes she spoke in her sleep. Some of the things she said made it seem she was having nightmares. Whenever that happened, or whenever I suspected it was happening, I would remind her I was there with her. I would tell her that I love her, and that I'd protect her. She usually gave me a cute response. "Mhm" or "I love you too" in the cutest sleepiest voice you can imagine. It made me so happy.
Sometimes her mental health was very poor. I did my best to take care of her, and she did her best to take care of me in turn. When she had panic attacks, or anything along those lines I would calm her down and get her to breathe with me. I would tell her everything was okay, she was okay, we were okay. When her mental health was poor otherwise, I would just try to be there with her, and keep her distracted, acting like an idiot hoping maybe it would help. I tried to do everything in my power to make her less miserable, and if I could, happy, even if it meant enduring more pain myself. I always tried to put her before anything else. If it was late and I had to be up early, and she was miserable, I would stay up all night trying to make her feel better. I loved all of her with all of me. She was my first priority, and nothing mattered as much as she did.
2017-08-11 9:38:28 PM Spin I should have never let you go.
2017-10-02 8:05:12 PM Spin I won't ever leave
2017-10-02 8:05:50 PM Spin I want us.
2017-10-02 8:06:25 PM Spin I want to be your wife.
2017-10-02 8:07:04 PM Spin I want our family.
https://imgur.com/gallery/Z1G3n8G
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Lauren broke up with me.
We broke up once before in 2014, and it was horrible. It seemed like everything that could've gone wrong did go wrong. I gave up and ended it because I couldn't handle how much pain I was in. I broke all of my promises. She was more important to me than anything else in my life. I couldn't handle losing her, so I tried to manipulate her into staying with me, and when that failed I ended up in the hospital. When I got out of the hospital I still felt like I needed her. Talking to her was the only thing that made me feel okay. I wanted to work through everything and date her again. She didn't feel the same way. I was naive and for the most part stayed in her life even though she made that clear. Eventually I couldn't handle it anymore. I said something horrible and left. I had nightmares about it even two years later.
I didn't want it to end that way this time. I didn't want to be unable to handle losing her the way I did, and I didn't want it to kill me, but more than anything I didn't want to give up on the woman of my dreams. This felt like a repeat of 2014 again in a lot of ways. I'm still immature, and I handled everything so poorly, but even though it felt like a repeat of 2014, it didn't end anything like the way it did in 2014. I didn't break my promise. I didn't give up. I didn't end our relationship. I can handle losing her. I wanted to work through everything even after she broke up with me, but when she made it clear she didn't want to, I left, and this time when I left I didn't say anything horrible. I told her how I really feel, unobstructed by pain. I failed in a lot of ways, but this time I'm okay with the outcome and I can move on because of it.
I thought it would devastate me when she broke up with me, but it didn't. I was relieved. I felt like I'd been trying to force myself to fight for something I already knew was gone. It felt pointless, and draining. It was discouraging, and it made me so miserable. I was in so much pain I had to dissociate from how I felt just to handle it. Talking to her made me feel so much more emotionally vulnerable, but at the same time I felt like I couldn't be open with her at all anymore. I was too afraid. I felt so isolated with all of my horrible feelings. I kept a lot of distance from her for a while because I thought if things ended this way, and I was holding onto her so dearly, I might be unable to handle it. When it ended and I cut contact things didn't feel much different. We were barely talking so going from barely talking to not talking at all didn't feel like much of a shift. In addition to that once our relationship was gone, all of our problems went along with it, and all of my stress as well. I was miserable, but I'm much less miserable than I was now that I don't have to deal with it anymore.
It was childish on my part in so many ways. I felt like I was being pulled in so many different directions of wanting different things, but what I really wanted more than anything was for everything to be okay. I wanted to work through all of our problems. I wanted everything to go back to the way it was. I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to not be afraid anymore. I wanted to be able to be open with her and hold her dearly again. I had a dream not long after our breakup. We were still together, and everything was okay, and then I woke up and remembered nothing was okay. It was over. It is over.
I should have been realistic, but I wanted to be idealistic.
I wanted to marry her and have kids with her. Isn't that so stupid? I always thought I could never get married because I couldn't make any logical sense out of it. I always thought I couldn't have kids because my genetics aren't any good. She made me disregard both of those things, and want them with her. I really wanted her to be my little lady until the end of time. People kept telling me it wasn't going to work because of the distance, and I kept thinking we would prove them wrong, but I guess I was a fool to think that.
Another thing that's a bit different this time. I don't feel like I need to destroy anything that reminds me of her. Even with the heartbreak, she isn't a painful memory. She's a good one.
https://imgur.com/gallery/Csn9nJo
I miss Boston.
I miss her tiny apartment.
I miss everything with her.I miss sharing food with her.
I miss having her as my co-pilot.
I miss being led around the city by her.
I miss holding her tiny hulk-strength hands.
I miss listening to all of her new ideas for songs.
I miss listening to her singing and instrument playing.
I miss all of our inside jokes. There are too many to count.
I miss accompanying her to Star Market and trolling her grocery lists.
I miss making triscuits with her. I still make half with swiss, and half with cheddar.
I miss listening to her talk about how much she hates everything.
I miss watching food videos with her. Watching them feels pointless without her.
I miss looking at cute birds with her and listening to her squee over them.
I miss being able to read to her. I still have all these stories bookmarked for that purpose.
I miss listening to her peaceful breathing while she sleeps.
I loved waking her up by rubbing her back. She's adorable when she sleeps.
I loved giving her back rubs in general. It made me feel useful.
I loved washing her in the shower. Not even sure why. It wasn't lewd.
I loved washing her feet when they were blistered. No foot fetish.
Mostly just a "spit in my mouth" fetish, but otherwise pretty vanilla.
I loved having her head on my lap while she slept. I wish I could've endured it longer.
I wish I'd told her she was beautiful more often. She's a real stunner.
I really wish I could see her again for a week, like the first time we met.
There were so many more places I still wanted to see with her.
I wasn't always as good to her as I should have been, and I wish I had.
I wish I'd spent more time with her instead of being afraid.
She made me feel like I'm the most important person on the planet.
She made me feel like there's nothing wrong with being me.
and she made me feel so loved.
I've never been as happy in my life, as I was with her.
Our relationship meant the world to me.
She meant the world to me.
We ended our final call together, like we did with everything else. That made me so happy. In our final moments we were us. It seemed like we hadn't been us for so long.
I made a lot of mistakes with her. Some of the same mistakes, some new ones.
Having her in my life again helped me grow up a lot. I learned a lot.
We did a lot better than we did the first time. Two years instead of six months.
https://i.imgur.com/SwQNfQ2.gifv
It makes me happy knowing she still has some of my clothes. Maybe she still wears them sometimes. Like that white sweater I got her for Christmas.
Crumbs. The wonders of eating on your bed.
More like the crumbers of eating on your bed.
I was falling asleep when I came up with this. That's why it's so bad, okay?
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
I'll always love this joke.
There really is a lot more I want to say, but none of it needs to see the light of day.
I know it doesn't have to rhyme, but I thought at least one thing should.
Not much of a song, is it?
She wrote songs about me too. Good songs. I don't think I have recordings of them.
Ir's no longer raining where I am. I hope it's the same for her. I hope she's happy.
I doubt I'll ever see her again, and I think that's for the best.
I still have her pictures in my wallet. It's time to transfer them to my drawer.
Overall I'd rate the experience 8/10. Best two years of my life.
I could post about her for eternity, like the last time we broke up, but I don't think it's worth it. I might still make posts relating to her, but nothing more will be about her.
I'm considering unpublishing all of my posts before this one.
Next post will be my Nier Automata playthrough / review.
I should also make a blog post about my mousepads.
Listening to John Mayer has really helped me deal with everything. This is one of the first of his songs she ever shared with me, and maybe the last I'll ever share on this blog.
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