Last Ramble

These posts were a terrible idea.

I could have kept it all within my head.

No one had to see any of it.

it only gets worse

I'll try to keep this post short and disorganized.

I went on a date recently. I got asked out again, and I feel a bit like the world is bludgeoning me over the head and demanding I be a human, so I finally gave in and went on a date. I'm an autist and I used to have too much anxiety to even post anonymously on an imageboard, but somehow I developed really good social skills in a relatively short period of time (by being autistic, ironically). Although I have good social skills now, it only really applies to general situations. Most of the skills I have were copied from other people. I know how to act because I've seen other people act the same way before. 

On the date I realized I'm still utterly inept when it comes to interpersonal interaction. A girl can punch me a hundred times and grab my arm, but I don't really understand why, and I don't know how to return the gesture (I feel indifferent to physical contact so it doesn't really make sense to me). I haven't seen many people interact in closer contexts, so I have no real frame of reference for how to act within them. In those situations I'm still awkward AF.

Yes I was in a relationship before, but if you ask my ex I'm pretty sure she'll be able to tell you I was a total autist when we dated.

I also can't interpret signs of attraction in an organic way / in real time. I have deliberately kept my self esteem so crushingly low, that I can't mentally acknowledge someone is attracted to me. The only reason I can tell is because I know what it looks like when someone is attracted to someone else. Pretty much what I have to do is take the signs of attraction, ask myself how this would apply to an attractive person who isn't me, and then return it to myself so I can understand it. Yeah it's about as weird as it sounds.

JFC this post is already so autistic. I just started.

My cat is dying. I think she may only have a few days left. For the most part, I'm indifferent to her dying, but I have brief lapses where I start to tear up before it goes away. I guess that brainwashing I did in my youth did me no favors. I can't even mourn properly when I lose people important to me. All I really am is a hollow husk.

On the bright side I don't think things will work out with the girl who asked me out. The date went really well, but I think she may be more similar to me than I first realized. If that's the case then we have no business being together. Well, not that I have any business being with anyone to begin with. Still, even if it doesn't work out, I'd rate it as a good life experience.

I only go outside out of necessity so the fact that this keeps happening is lunacy.

But anyway. I mainly made this post to talk about something else.

I feel fucked up, and I have for quite a while. The amphetamines I take no longer work. I feel like I'm stuck on a loop where someone else is holding the remote, and they won't change the channel. I have no willpower to do anything. I feel like any willpower I can muster has continued to get weaker and weaker over the last two or so years. I had a lapse for a bit where this stopped, but I immediately fell back into the loop. The thing that caused the lapse was decreasing my med dose. I'm going to try to do that further and see if it has any effect on how I feel. Going from 40mg to 30mg vyvanse. The symptoms I have are of low dopamine, but I think being on too high a dose may be too demanding on my body. Lowering it might have a positive effect, so that's what I'm going to find out.

Anyway, this is the post for now. hope u enjoy

Harem Rambling

Edit: This was slowly written throughout the last few months.

Okay now what?

Discord

PROMOTIONS

I signed some paperwork for a promotion today.

I have a raise coming in two weeks, and another one in 6 months.

That's it. That's the post. Thanks for coming out.

edit: wait let me remind myself to feel proud

Dear me: Remember how hard life used to feel? Your brain didn't work and you had no idea why. You couldn't do anything and you were always in pain. You fell on your face so many times trying to get out of that rut. It was pathetic, but even though it was pathetic you kept getting up and trying again, even being certain nothing would change anything. It didn't matter to you that it didn't make sense. You kept getting up anyway. You always called yourself weak-willed, but if you really were would you have done that? You were so afraid you would never be able to hold a job, let alone secure a life for yourself, but with where we're headed now, you'll be able to support a family on your own. Not that I'm suggesting it, it's just nice to know it's an option. Anyway, in short you're a still faggot, but good job. 

Okay now for more shitposting:

*dies of covid*

 

L O N D O N

I think I meant to post this a while back.

I bought a 23andme test because it's pretty cheap. I think it's like 150 cad which translated into us dollars is like enough to buy a happy meal (assuming you get a bit of extra money from begging on the street first).

I can only assume the "unassigned 0.1%" is African. Therefore I can use the word (edit: confirmed not black) pretty freely, and really I think that justifies having spent the money. Growing up I was only ever told I was English, Scottish, and Icelandic. Any other ancestry is unknown to me. Although I don't really know the story of my ancestry to begin with.

>You have more Neanderthal DNA than 72% of other customers.

berrypicker as fuck

Never

I guess it doesn't matter.

These posts are self-therapy in a way.

Endless b8

Me on the left.

Corvid

Rambling for months

I fell asleep listening to an ASMR video.

I don't remember how I came across it.

It must've been in a related video to something else I was watching.

I've always disliked ASMR.

I'm always in pain. Everything hurts.

Not a lot, but it varies.

It can make it very difficult to get to sleep.

and for whatever reason, ASMR amplifies it.

but it didn't this time.

h

>Numerous people get laid off at work
>Boss gets laid off
>New boss
>Calls me into office
>"Thank you for everything you've done for the company"
>Shakes my hand
>Doesn't lay me off
>Gives me a raise

AAAAAAAAAAAAA

I went to a work party. It's about the one time of year I go outside for anything other than work or doctor's appointments. With how long I've been working at my job I know nearly everyone there on some level. My social skills have become better over time, and I'm taking a medication now that negates nearly all the physical symptoms of anxiety, which is most of what my anxiety is. Talking to people is so much easier than it used to be, but even with that being the case, I still generally avoid it.

One of the incentives to showing up to the party is that I know I'll know someone there. There's no chance I'll show up and be the awkward person in the corner, or that I'll know someone and be disregarded as the awkward person in the corner anyway.

So I showed up. Got some free stuff. Free drinks. Rum and coke. I don't drink much. I don't really know what's good or not good as far as alcohol goes, but I know that rum and coke is good. I also had a tequila shot. I'm not sure what the tequila was, but it was good. It didn't taste like pure alcohol, rather it had a good aftertaste. I had to drive home so I didn't get too wild, but I probably wouldn't have even if I didn't have to drive.

Having minor amounts of anxiety can be weird. I'm a bit less inhibited because my body doesn't register fear the same way. This means I can do pretty much anything with some level of confidence. I usually know the right thing to do in social situations, and with my fear response lowered, I can do those things much more freely. At the party I greeted a lot of people pretty warmly, hugged a lot of people, some of which I hadn't seen in quite a while.

I socialized with some of the people I'm familiar with. The people I currently work with invited me to their table. There was another table of people that I formerly worked with. One of them called me a traitor. Another one came over and suggested I go see them so they'd feel included. I left my table after a while to go see them. I definitely wanted to see them, but I was being engaged at my table, so it took me a while to get over there.

Somewhere around that time the center of the room was cleared to be used as a dance floor. Someone asked me if I was going to go dance. I responded by saying "I'm too white, and too sober to do that."

One of my other co-workers came over from another table. Said something about how her fiance bet her she wouldn't be able to get me to dance with her. Apparently there was breakfast riding on the bet. I'm not outgoing, and I don't really know how to dance. I wasn't really sure I wanted to do it, but another co-worker said he would throw water in my face if I did it. That seemed like a good incentive to do it, so I went ahead and did it.

"How awkward is this going to be?" I thought.

It was alright. It was a bit awkward for me, but I didn't have to lead so it was non-issue.

As promised, I had water thrown in my face after and was called a "slut".

I complained at the minor amount of water that was thrown in my face.

Of course if that water had ended up on the floor, it would've been a problem.

Now I should probably mention: I don't remember how the water in the face thing came up. Not at all. I think it started off as a joke because it might confuse any onlookers. It sounded appealing to me because it wasn't boring. A little water doesn't hurt much.

I went back to the table I was sitting at originally for a bit. Some of them started heading out, so I did the same. I wasn't sure if I was expected to say goodbye to other people before leaving, but they did, so I figured I'd better do the same. autism

I said goodbye to most people in my area. There was another crowded table with the other two people I mentioned before sitting at it. I didn't say goodbye to them. I figured they wouldn't notice me leaving but I was wrong.

They called my name as I was walking out.

I stopped. "Oh fuck.", I thought, as I looked to the ground.

"I almost got away." I looked to the ceiling, and spun around to face them.

It's not like I don't like talking to people. It can be hard is all.

They called me over.

I got sandwiched in a hug, which then escalated into a 5 way hug with me in the center.

After that I had a full glass of water thrown in my face with the rest dumped on my head.

"That's more like it!" It felt nice.

Oh no.

Two of the girls made a fuss over it.

One of them being the one I danced with before.

I told them I asked for it.

They wouldn't take that as an answer.

"It's just water." I've had so much worse than this before.

They cleaned me up and made sure I was okay.

They briefly pulled up my shirt for some reason.

"Geez if I'd known throwing water in your face was going to get you this much attention, maybe I would've had you do it to me."

I was okay.

They demanded to walk me to my car.

I wasn't sure why they wanted to walk me to my car.

"I'm pretty sober, and I'm only a few minutes away from here."

I had to be the most sober person there, but they were insistent.

So they walked me to my car while hanging off me.

The attention was okay. I don't get attention like this very often.

I wouldn't have minded it anyway.

It's not like I've never humored a drunk person before.

They didn't let me get in my car right away.

They wanted to test to see if I was sober.

I walked a straight line.

Apparently I did it too fast.

I had to do it again, while reciting the alphabet backwards.

"I can't even do that sober."

It seemed like I convinced them after a while.

"I've seen him play baseball. Trust me, he's sober."

AAAAAAAAAA

One of them gave me a hug and left.

Well, the other one I danced with didn't leave.

She demanded I text her after getting home safely.

I think she threatened to beat me up if I didn't.

Eventually her fiance had to come wrangle her away.

She was threatening me even as they drove away.

I had a good time.

I haven't made a blog post in a while.

I have another rambling post I've been adding to little by little for the last few months.

I'll find some finish for it eventually.

Writing a pathfinder campaign has been incredibly time consuming.

I've had some other health issues I have to look into.

I have a doctor appointment on Tuesday. Hopefully it'll resolve the issue.

Then things can start getting back to normal.

ded.

More rambling

I love the rain.

There's something comfy about it.

Medaka Box Chapter 1-90 (Spoilers)

Okay I did it.

I read chapter 1-90 of Medaka Box.

It only took me an eternity.

What do I have to say about it so far?

Nothing very interesting.

It starts off as a generic comedy. turns into a battle manga, and escalates, continually. First with the appearance of Unzen, which is when the story starts getting edgier, and then again with Kumagawa, which is when people start having reality-destroying powers.

Most of the characters are good. Multiple best girls.

Good read up until now.

I'll wait until I'm finished to do a final review.

Next post will be... rambling, probably.

and after that I'm not sure.

Rest of this post is mostly screenshots.

ded

PDRTO3

edit: this post is rambling before bed. that's it.
edit: --- separates days. ... is a pause in time.

This is hard.

I made an entire post of sleep time ramblings, but

It was too personal.

Every thought that came through my head is in that post, not just silly little thoughts about things that don't matter. It went into detail with some of my psychological issues. A lot of detail.

I'm afraid to post it, and this is coming from the fag that posted himself wearing a skirt.

Is it okay to be afraid?

Yeah don't worry. This one's going to be plenty embarrassing too.

Mousepads

What is this post? Filler, although on a blog that isn't specifically dedicated to anything, every post can be considered filler.

Unless this blog is considered to be dedicated to shitposting, which it is, then this post definitely isn't filler.

AX2019

Okay so

Linecon2019

I mean AX2019

Emotions are prohibited. (spoilers)

This is it. My Nier post. It's not much, but it's honest work.

I used to make posts like this often when I was a NEET, but I haven't been a NEET in a very long time, and I haven't made a post like this in a very long time. I wasn't sure what I wanted this post to be, but I figured it would be pretty empty regardless of what I chose to do, even before I started playing the game. I'd say I was right.

This post is some commentary, some screenshots, and a basic review.

That's about it.

You can't go home again

Lauren and I used to spend all of our free time together. Our relationship was long distance, so what we could do together was limited, but it was enough to keep us happy. We talked a lot, we watched videos together, and we slept together. The longest call I remember was 16 hours long. I loved being with her. She made me feel so comfortable, welcome, and happy.

I loved talking to Lauren in our free time together. We're different people with different lives, but to me she always felt like someone I've never not known. For all of our differences, it seemed like we had so many things in common as people. We liked a lot of the same things, held many of the same beliefs, shared a sense of humor, and shared a lot of personality traits. Both of us also struggled with our mental health from time to time. Having her with me always helped me feel better, and having me with her always seemed to help her feel better.

Most of the videos we watched together were either food videos, or bird videos, and most of the movies we watched were either comedy or horror movies. Both of us are interested in cooking, and both of us love birds. Both of us also like comedy, and horror movies. It was an easy way to spend time together, while also doing basically nothing.

We had a 3 hour time difference, with me living on the west coast, and her on the east coast. It wasn't uncommon for her to fall asleep before me, and it wasn't uncommon for me to stay up much later than I should. Sometimes she had trouble falling asleep, so she would ask me to read to her. She told me my voice was soothing, and that it kept her mind occupied well enough to get to sleep. I loved reading to her. I still remember reading her Alice in Wonderland as if it were yesterday. It took us a few attempts to finish the entire story because she fell asleep so quickly every time I read it to her, but we did it.

I often stayed awake after she fell asleep, especially when I was feeling low. I don't like going to bed when I'm sad. I also felt sad when I had to be away from her. I don't like being around anyone for long periods, but I never felt that way with her. Instead I always felt like I didn't want to be away from her at all. Sometimes I was able to hear her breathing while she was asleep. When I was sad, hearing her breathing was calming. Every time she exhaled it felt like the sadness was being pushed away. I considered recording it just to have it to playback whenever I felt especially terrible, but I never did. Sometimes I would hear her get restless, and sometimes she spoke in her sleep. Some of the things she said made it seem she was having nightmares. Whenever that happened, or whenever I suspected it was happening, I would remind her I was there with her. I would tell her that I love her, and that I'd protect her. She usually gave me a cute response. "Mhm" or "I love you too" in the cutest sleepiest voice you can imagine. It made me so happy.

Sometimes her mental health was very poor. I did my best to take care of her, and she did her best to take care of me in turn. When she had panic attacks, or anything along those lines I would calm her down and get her to breathe with me. I would tell her everything was okay, she was okay, we were okay. When her mental health was poor otherwise, I would just try to be there with her, and keep her distracted, acting like an idiot hoping maybe it would help. I tried to do everything in my power to make her less miserable, and if I could, happy, even if it meant enduring more pain myself. I always tried to put her before anything else. If it was late and I had to be up early, and she was miserable, I would stay up all night trying to make her feel better. I loved all of her with all of me. She was my first priority, and nothing mattered as much as she did.

2017-08-11 9:38:28 PM Spin I should have never let you go.
2017-10-02 8:05:12 PM Spin I won't ever leave 
2017-10-02 8:05:50 PM Spin I want us.
2017-10-02 8:06:25 PM Spin I want to be your wife.
2017-10-02 8:07:04 PM Spin I want our family.

https://imgur.com/gallery/Z1G3n8G

[omitted]

[omitted]

2018-12-11 3:33:26 AM LCP It would be so stupid of me to write us off while I’m working to fix my situation. 

Lauren broke up with me.

We broke up once before in 2014, and it was horrible. It seemed like everything that could've gone wrong did go wrong. I gave up and ended it because I couldn't handle how much pain I was in. I broke all of my promises. She was more important to me than anything else in my life. I couldn't handle losing her, so I tried to manipulate her into staying with me, and when that failed I ended up in the hospital. When I got out of the hospital I still felt like I needed her. Talking to her was the only thing that made me feel okay. I wanted to work through everything and date her again. She didn't feel the same way. I was naive and for the most part stayed in her life even though she made that clear. Eventually I couldn't handle it anymore. I said something horrible and left. I had nightmares about it even two years later.

I didn't want it to end that way this time. I didn't want to be unable to handle losing her the way I did, and I didn't want it to kill me, but more than anything I didn't want to give up on the woman of my dreams. This felt like a repeat of 2014 again in a lot of ways. I'm still immature, and I handled everything so poorly, but even though it felt like a repeat of 2014, it didn't end anything like the way it did in 2014. I didn't break my promise. I didn't give up. I didn't end our relationship. I can handle losing her. I wanted to work through everything even after she broke up with me, but when she made it clear she didn't want to, I left, and this time when I left I didn't say anything horrible. I told her how I really feel, unobstructed by pain. I failed in a lot of ways, but this time I'm okay with the outcome and I can move on because of it.

I thought it would devastate me when she broke up with me, but it didn't. I was relieved. I felt like I'd been trying to force myself to fight for something I already knew was gone. It felt pointless, and draining. It was discouraging, and it made me so miserable. I was in so much pain I had to dissociate from how I felt just to handle it. Talking to her made me feel so much more emotionally vulnerable, but at the same time I felt like I couldn't be open with her at all anymore. I was too afraid. I felt so isolated with all of my horrible feelings. I kept a lot of distance from her for a while because I thought if things ended this way, and I was holding onto her so dearly, I might be unable to handle it. When it ended and I cut contact things didn't feel much different. We were barely talking so going from barely talking to not talking at all didn't feel like much of a shift. In addition to that once our relationship was gone, all of our problems went along with it, and all of my stress as well. I was miserable, but I'm much less miserable than I was now that I don't have to deal with it anymore.

It was childish on my part in so many ways. I felt like I was being pulled in so many different directions of wanting different things, but what I really wanted more than anything was for everything to be okay. I wanted to work through all of our problems. I wanted everything to go back to the way it was. I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to not be afraid anymore. I wanted to be able to be open with her and hold her dearly again. I had a dream not long after our breakup. We were still together, and everything was okay, and then I woke up and remembered nothing was okay. It was over. It is over.

I should have been realistic, but I wanted to be idealistic.

I wanted to marry her and have kids with her. Isn't that so stupid? I always thought I could never get married because I couldn't make any logical sense out of it. I always thought I couldn't have kids because my genetics aren't any good. She made me disregard both of those things, and want them with her. I really wanted her to be my little lady until the end of time. People kept telling me it wasn't going to work because of the distance, and I kept thinking we would prove them wrong, but I guess I was a fool to think that.

It has been a while since she ended it. I miss her like crazy, but I also feel like I'm starting to get over her. I had to learn to live without her before while I was having nightmares about her. Now I'm learning to live without her again, without any nightmares.

Another thing that's a bit different this time. I don't feel like I need to destroy anything that reminds me of her. Even with the heartbreak, she isn't a painful memory. She's a good one.

https://imgur.com/gallery/Csn9nJo

I miss Boston.

I miss her tiny apartment.

I miss everything with her.
I miss sharing food with her.
I miss having her as my co-pilot.
I miss being led around the city by her.
I miss holding her tiny hulk-strength hands.
I miss listening to all of her new ideas for songs.
I miss listening to her singing and instrument playing.
I miss all of our inside jokes. There are too many to count.
I miss accompanying her to Star Market and trolling her grocery lists.
I miss making triscuits with her. I still make half with swiss, and half with cheddar.
I miss listening to her talk about how much she hates everything.
I miss watching food videos with her. Watching them feels pointless without her.
I miss looking at cute birds with her and listening to her squee over them.
I miss being able to read to her. I still have all these stories bookmarked for that purpose.
I miss listening to her peaceful breathing while she sleeps.
I loved waking her up by rubbing her back. She's adorable when she sleeps.
I loved giving her back rubs in general. It made me feel useful.
I loved washing her in the shower. Not even sure why. It wasn't lewd.
I loved washing her feet when they were blistered. No foot fetish.
Mostly just a "spit in my mouth" fetish, but otherwise pretty vanilla.
I loved having her head on my lap while she slept. I wish I could've endured it longer.
I wish I'd told her she was beautiful more often. She's a real stunner.
I really wish I could see her again for a week, like the first time we met.
There were so many more places I still wanted to see with her.
I wasn't always as good to her as I should have been, and I wish I had.
I wish I'd spent more time with her instead of being afraid.
She made me feel like I'm the most important person on the planet.
She made me feel like there's nothing wrong with being me.
and she made me feel so loved.
I've never been as happy in my life, as I was with her.
Our relationship meant the world to me.
She meant the world to me.

We ended our final call together, like we did with everything else. That made me so happy. In our final moments we were us. It seemed like we hadn't been us for so long.

I made a lot of mistakes with her. Some of the same mistakes, some new ones.

Having her in my life again helped me grow up a lot. I learned a lot.

We did a lot better than we did the first time. Two years instead of six months.

https://i.imgur.com/SwQNfQ2.gifv

It makes me happy knowing she still has some of my clothes. Maybe she still wears them sometimes. Like that white sweater I got her for Christmas.

Crumbs. The wonders of eating on your bed.
More like the crumbers of eating on your bed.
I was falling asleep when I came up with this. That's why it's so bad, okay?

What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
I'll always love this joke.

There really is a lot more I want to say, but none of it needs to see the light of day.
I know it doesn't have to rhyme, but I thought at least one thing should.
Not much of a song, is it?

She wrote songs about me too. Good songs. I don't think I have recordings of them.

Working on this blog post and rewriting it a million times helped my sanity a lot. I almost wasn't looking forward to it because once this is done it's time to play nier move on.

Ir's no longer raining where I am. I hope it's the same for her. I hope she's happy.

I doubt I'll ever see her again, and I think that's for the best.

I still have her pictures in my wallet. It's time to transfer them to my drawer.

Overall I'd rate the experience 8/10. Best two years of my life.

I could post about her for eternity, like the last time we broke up, but I don't think it's worth it. I might still make posts relating to her, but nothing more will be about her.

I'm considering unpublishing all of my posts before this one.

Next post will be my Nier Automata playthrough / review.

I should also make a blog post about my mousepads.

Listening to John Mayer has really helped me deal with everything. This is one of the first of his songs she ever shared with me, and maybe the last I'll ever share on this blog.