These posts were a terrible idea.
I could have kept it all within my head.
No one had to see any of it.
...
Yeah, but that would be boring.
...
I said I would make 8 of these posts in total. This is #8. The last one.
Maybe I should try to make this one good.
...
The other posts involved expressing things that happened, or are in my head.
Self-therapy.
There's a reason appointments like that are supposed to be confidential.
...
I think I'm always at my best when I'm honest about how I feel.
...
How do I feel?
...
Like I'm apathetic about everything that happens.
but maybe deep down I'm terrified.
But if that terror is there I currently have no way of reaching it.
...
Time flies. Faster, and faster, as one gets older.
...
If this keeps up, I'll be an old man one day, and I won't have anybody.
A life of secluding myself from other people.
...
Apathy is dangerous.
A full range of human emotion in healthy amounts is very important to survival.
...
"I might get hit by a car"
Terrified: "Oh no I better get off the street!"
Terrified: "Oh no I better get off the street!"
vs
"I might get hit by a car"
Apathetic: "Alright."
Apathetic: "Alright."
...
Better to be terrified I think.
...
I see glimpses of feelings sometimes.
A full range of emotion, but everything gets buried deep beneath the surface.
and I have no control over it.
...
Every once in a while I get to feel things with some intensity.
In those moments my behavior changes.
...
and I feel like I've woken up from a really bad dream that won't end.
and I become terrified because I know those feelings won't last.
Once they go away I go back to being a robot.
So while I'm lucid I think about a thousand thoughts and try to make plans.
but before I know it, it ceases to matter because I return to apathy.
...
I felt more than usual while I was in a relationship.
...
and after it ended I tried to hang onto those feelings.
Weird drug seeking behavior in a way.
I had hair conditioner that smelled like her.
Every time I smelled it, it would bring the feelings back.
but every time with slightly less intensity.
Until I no longer felt anything.
...
It didn't have anything to do with her.
I just wanted to hang onto the feelings I had.
edit: it's also really good hair conditioner
...
This post became degenerate pretty quickly.
Don't they all?
...
I feel like I've heard people say similar things before.
"I had tons of sex to try to feel things after the breakup, and you?"
"Oh I smelled some hair conditioner."
"Oh I smelled some hair conditioner."
Maybe it sounds less degenerate put that way?
I doubt it.
...
In my current state, it's a bit baffling how I was ever in a relationship at all.
...
"It's a waste of time"
In the last rambling post I said something about how romantic and lewd things are pointless
In the last rambling post I said something about how romantic and lewd things are pointless
...
but I actually wanted to have kids and get married.
How insane is that? Was that me that wanted that?
That must have been a different person.
...
but people sometimes ask me if I ever plan to get married.
...
and then I look away.
"I wanted to once..."
and in saying that, it isn't apathy I feel.
It's disappointment.
A little bit of sadness.
And resolution that my fate is to be alone.
...
So maybe there are some ways to draw it out.
...
Yeah there are.
Even fiction can do so occasionally.
but only ever for a few seconds at a time.
It reminds me that I can feel those things.
but I don't really get to.
I see previews of things I can't have.
It makes me want them, but I know I can't have them.
...
What if I just married a woman who was emotionally dysfunctional too?
...
People like me are toxic.
At least in the context of a relationship.
...
That's the problem with having emotional dysfunction.
Altered inhibitions.
...
A full range of human emotion in healthy amounts is very important to survival.
...
Besides, how do you even find someone like that?
By chance.
...
Nah, just be really upfront about it in all situations.
"I want a woman who is broken as fuck. If you're a normie tell me now."
That's a funny thought.
...
That's another problem though.
Different brain structures.
People with vastly different brain structures experience things vastly differently.
and it can result in a complete lack of understanding.
As well as misattribution of intent.
...
What the hell happened to me?
...
"I am nothing. I feel nothing."
...
I always thought people who got brainwashed were stupid.
and then I did it to myself.
...
And all I had to do was repeat that over and over and over
Wait let me make this poetic autistic.
edit: don't read all of this
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I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing.""I am nothing. I feel nothing."
Over and over until my mind started to take it.
I don't really remember where the "I am nothing" part came from.
...
Oh this reminds me of something
..
...
I didn't think it would actually work when I did it, I just didn't have a better idea.
I was young.
Huddling in the dark against the stair railing at 3 in the morning.
...
Although I had emotional dysfunction before that too.
...
For some reason I always minimize what I went through.
"It wasn't that bad."
"Plenty of other people have been through worse."
...
This stuff sucks.
On a sad scale 1-10
10 being saddest
I'm at about a 1
Which feels pretty bad
...
Like imagine a mosquito landing on you and biting you.
It's like that, but sadness.
Stupid mosquitos.
...
Wasn't that the original idea behind these posts?
...
I want Satori to be mai waifu.
but after making these posts, I think my mind is an ugly jumbled mess.
Well at least we got that out in the open.
So it wasn't all for nothing.
...
This is me being honest about how I feel.
and it doesn't seem like me at my best.
It seems super super pathetic.
...
Yeah well let's see you make 8 posts delving into your mind like I did.
We literally share the same head.
I'm you.
This isn't even me talking to someone else or a second personality.
You idiot.
...
Yeah but we used to do that.
We're past that.
but we're doing it now.
No. Not really. It's not the same.
...
"You're gay as hell."
Why is gay always my go to insult?
Why is gay always my go to insult?
...
A relic from ancient society.
...
"You're a bastard."
Yeah but we know the secret. "Bastard" is an affectionate term.
Yeah but we know the secret. "Bastard" is an affectionate term.
No way in hell am I calling you a bastard.
Well, "gay" isn't a real insult.
Doesn't matter.
...
At least make this post good by rambling about Jeanne for most of it.
...
I don't think I have it in me.
...
It was kinda interesting.
I feel like I learned some more stuff about humans.
edit: You mean "other people".
...
I'm gonna confess something.
I'm gonna confess something.
I don't really know how to comfort people when they're venting or sad.
So I looked up a guide and followed it step by step to comfort someone.
and it worked really really well.
...
That's normal in my mind, but I get the feeling it isn't normal at all.
I don't really care that this person is sad.
but I want to know how to make them feel better.
and this could be good practice.
So I'll start by using this guide.
...
I have no idea how weird that is or isn't unless someone says something.
...
I noticed kids on discord can be really manipulative.
Well, they try to be, and maybe it works on other people.
but it's hard to be manipulated when you don't care at all.
...
Oh yeah. Let's make this post good. No more weird stuff.
So much for that. Fuck.
...
"Quick quick say something that's not autistic"
I like Re Zero.
Ah. Alright.
...
Autism.
...
I think that's enough for one night.
------
I used to be all about brutal honesty.
That was a thing.
What's the point in lying to people?
Tell them the truth.
So much for that.
----
I wonder if these posts are really that degenerate.
If this is everything that's in my head.
Is it really that bad?
Yeah probably.
I wonder what goes on in the heads of other people.
I feel like I wouldn't want to know.
...
How many people act outwardly normal but have messed up minds?
I would guess a lot of people, but maybe I'm projecting
Acting normal seems a way of showing one is capable of keeping it together.
and then once people get to know each other that's when the weird stuff comes out.
...
Maybe.
...
I'm tired.
...
this is lame
...
I wonder if this is my fault.
...
I just noticed something.
----
Oh actually, the depths of my mind get worse.
...
Care to elaborate?
...
The best and worst parts of me run in parallel.
...
I don't know what that's supposed to mean.
...
I hate everything I put into these posts.
All of it.
...
All of me.
...
Realizing that makes me a bit happy.
...
I never really wanted to be happy.
Seems like the brain is wired not to fight it though.
...
but if I'm happy, and with myself as well.
The desire to be better dies away.
and so I feel a bit like I would prefer to always hate myself.
So I never stop aiming for that goal.
edit: This sounds like insanity rereading it, but it's also how I genuinely feel.
...
Why do I want to be better anyway?
I've always told myself not to think about the answer to that.
So I think I just want to always work on something I think is meaningful.
...
That's the ideal.
...
Doesn't really matter that it's actually meaningless.
...
and I've always felt like people get in the way of that.
...
That's what I mean by being a workaholic.
I will consistently choose overloading myself with work over spending time with anyone.
...
What happened to being a NEET?
I don't know dawg.
-----
feels like bs
i just find people to spend money on
to delude myself into thinking i care
doesnt matter who it is
it's like having a pet
i feed it. i take care of it. so i must care about it.
as long as that is so i dont feel disconnected from being human
but its delusional
...
i dont like the idea of having a pet though
even my cat isn't a "pet" to me
shes my daughter
she just happens to be a cat
and i spoil the crap out of her because it makes her happy.
----
I got angry today.
After lowing my beta-blocker dosage.
What I did wasn't embarrassing.
Having that huge surge of adrenaline was embarrassing.
but it was exhilarating.
and then I thought about it again later.
and without really thinking I reignited the anger for a moment.
The surge of adrenaline. It felt powerful.
and then I remembered I had anger problems. I was addicted to adrenaline.
Cannot be doing that. Need to direct it somewhere healthy.
but I can't really do that in a pandemic.
Darn.
Still, it's kinda nice to know that fire is still in me.
Beta-blocker contributed to a problem.
...
Ah, I'm getting angry again thinking about it.
Not bad.
...
This is weird.
"I love getting angry"
Actually there probably are normal people like that.
Actually there probably are normal people like that.
...
How and why did I ever end up listening to ASMR anyway?
Why do that when you can be angry?
Why would that make me let go of anger?
Listening to it now, all I feel is disgust.
...
That's probably a bad sign.
It's important to have human desires.
Really.
I think people evolved the way they did for a reason.
A disconnect like that is unhealthy.
...
This ASMR reminds me that I hate my own voice.
...
and that S made me laugh.
...
and I snug with my cat.
Doesn't feel like anything.
I don't know if it's supposed to.
but she has always been with me.
Through everything.
"Would it feel different with a stuffed animal?"
"I wouldn't have to be considerate of a stuffed animal."
"I wouldn't have to be considerate of a stuffed animal."
Neither would I have a reason to snug with a stuffed animal.
...
She'll be gone one day.
When that day comes will I be sad, or will I still feel like this?
The thought of losing people important to me is a really scary thought.
The thought of losing people important to me is a really scary thought.
Not the idea I won't be able to go on without them.
The idea that it'll just be another day.
That the quietness I feel will remain.
That I really am nothing, and feel nothing.
...
It's weird how my mind considers people.
I'm introverted.
I only ever want to be alone.
but there are people I consider part of me.
I am alone when I'm with them.
...
That's why I can talk to them for like 5 straight hours about inane d&d stuff.
...
paveru has a really nice voice.
...
Paveru and Azid.
Best waifus.
and the rest of you too.
...
Maybe.
...
No homo.
...
I don't even have sexual desires.
...
This is the last rambling post.
This was supposed to be good.
...
That's the whole point of rambling.
None of it is good.
It's in my head.
Even if it isn't lewd it's degenerate at best.
...
"This confession has meant nothing."
-------
I'm not unaware.
-----
I've been getting a lot of questions about what I'm eating or enjoy eating lately.
"What's for lunch?"
I have no idea. All I know is I can eat it without vomiting.
I have no idea. All I know is I can eat it without vomiting.
I hadn't thought about what's in it until you asked.
"Do you [enjoy this food]?"
"Sure."
"Sure."
"What's your favorite food?"
What the hell kind of question is that.
What the hell kind of question is that.
and then I tell them how I feel about food and they treat me like I'm pitiful.
----
But I'm like that with a lot of things. Anhedonia, I guess.
----
Nightmare mode was it?
It has been a while since I visited this blog. That's no good.
...
I keep pausing while typing this because I can't focus.
...
I hate myself.
I deliberately disallow myself from doing things I enjoy when I think I'm doing a bad job.
2 D&D games.
A full time job.
...
What am I getting at?
No toughts, hed empy.
...
These posts always sound self-congratulatory as hell even if it's indirect.
Just say what you were going to say.
I'm a beginner at my job.
I haven't gone to school yet.
Pretty much every day I'm in pressured situations where I have no clue what to do.
Somehow hit 90k this month.
I got moved to full time, so that makes sense.
What doesn't make sense is that I still have my old responsibilities.
I'm never caught up.
and I actively have to choose which deadlines I want to fail.
edit: you mean delegate
...
Pretty much, even though I'm full time, I do the bare minimum at what I do.
and I don't feel that I really do it well.
Still 90k.
There are people who don't have secondary responsibilities.
Less than 90k.
Not beginners.
...
Doctor accidentally prescribed me an "aggressive" reduction of Adderall.
While converting to Vyvanse.
This is while this shit is going on.
So my life is nothing but work.
We'll see if this causes everything to collapse or not.
Guess I'd better contact them.
...
I realized beta-blockers weren't the issue.
It's the Adderall.
For the most part
...
Part of what made me realize is that I no longer feel I have control.
Where before, it was surgical. If I needed to do something, I could.
and if I didn't, I'd just scream "come on you piece of shit, move" until I did.
Where now, none of that screaming will change anything.
Where now, none of that screaming will change anything.
I feel almost exactly as I did before I started the adderall.
Instead of control over executive function, I have none.
I can't focus on things I want to focus on.
and my brain will latch onto things and hyperfocus for 8 hours straight.
Like being in a trance, and I can't escape it while it's happening.
The only time I really start to escape is when I go into withdrawal.
This is reminding me that I really want to go off of it full stop.
even though I was encouraged not to.
...
Oh yeah, the doctor intended to increase the dosage I had.
Instead of a 3 month reduction lasting 3 months.
So much for that.
...
More than one doctor.
...
Yeah I'll call them.
...
I should probably lighten my work load a bit until I can deal with things.
and really in general.
...
From:
"No you can't order food because you don't deserve it and I hate you."
"No you can't order food because you don't deserve it and I hate you."
To:
"I can't get up and make food so I'll have to order it I haven't a choice.
Also you don't deserve it and I hate you."
(me to me)
---
Co-worker called me.
Apparently a customer was impressed with my work ethic.
Genuinely.
"Oh you mean the one I fucked up the thing for?"
"Yeah but you didn't get defensive like a lot of guys would."
That's a low low bar if admitting I was wrong is honestly impressive.
"Yeah but you didn't get defensive like a lot of guys would."
That's a low low bar if admitting I was wrong is honestly impressive.
...
I feel like Jackie Chan in a ladder factory holding a baby or something.
I don't want no trouble.
I have no intention of doing what I'm doing.
It just happens.
It isn't that I don't want to, I just don't have the time.
----
You're a bitch and I hate you.
Your priorities are all fucked up.
...
Wow that's a relief. Hating myself.
...
I'm genuinely relieved that I feel anger toward myself again.
"Come on you piece of shit. Move."
...
What the fuck happened?
I feel like I woke up from the really bad dream I was stuck in.
...
How long was I trapped in that for?
...
More than a year.
So I think if you have ADHD and you take meds for it
You should be on the lowest possible dose you need to function.
Blasting anything above that leads to dysfunction.
I thought I had tolerance to it, but that was incorrect.
I have no idea how I lived like that for so long.
I constantly felt like my nervous system was frazzled.
It felt like my nerve endings were frayed and deteriorating.
I don't know how better to put that, but it was extremely painful. 4u
My internal voice was turned off so I constantly had tunnel vision.
It only came back in very brief moments before being drowned out again.
Like waking up from a bad nightmare.
...
Executive dysfunction.
...
"I feel sad."
"I feel lonely."
"Everything hurts."
...
The gang's all here.
...
I seriously feel like I just woke up from a coma.
but I was awake the entire time.
...
"All that lost time"
A pandemic was happening almost the entire time.
My people skills significantly improved.
I got a raise and have I another one coming.
...
I have no idea why some people protect me so aggressively.
I feel like everyone should hate me.
I hate me.
...
You downplay significant things as insignificant.
I mean when you help people it's insignificant to you, but not to them.
...
The reason I feel like I just woke up is because I was accidentally prescribed a lower dose of meth when I switched from adderall to Vyvanse.
I was on too high of a dose.
...
I feel human again.
...
I felt really lonely before.
...
When I was working out.
It started to affect my psychological state.
...
You got asked out while you were in your "coma".
I did?
Well even when I felt lonely I still wanted to be alone.
Logically anyway.
6 mental illnesses yo
edit: technically more, but hardly relevant.
...
but if you're honest, do you really want to be alone?
...
That's a really difficult question.
Even in an ideal world.
...
I should rest.
...
Imagine being so miserable you self-destructively improve your life situation.
This is advanced autism.
...
Pretty sure that's healthy coping mechanisms
No fuck off.
-----
Having my inner voice back is weird.
How it is on too high a dose of adderall:
"I'm too tired I'll do that later."
"I'm too tired I'll do that later."
"..."
How it is now:
"I'm too tired I'll do that later."
"Yeah right you piece of shit. You'll do it now because I said so."
How it is now:
"I'm too tired I'll do that later."
"Yeah right you piece of shit. You'll do it now because I said so."
Suddenly I'm aware that some people consider that self-talk unhealthy.
But you see:
It's important he (me) knows he's a piece of shit.
If he forgets it then he really will be one.
...
Got my hair cut again, which I don't do often.
My co-workers make a fuss over it every time.
Yeah last time one co-worker said he wanted to rape me.
T-thanks for bringing that up.
...
It's kinda weird feeling doted on by a bunch of dudes.
...
It happened two days in a row this time too.
Like the second time some of them saw it they reacted like it was the first.
"Oh great now he's never going to get a haircut again."
...
My cousin got diagnosed with BPD.
"I don't know what it means. The doctor said she's just really detached from everything around her."
>Mom brings up how I manipulate doctors into prescribing me meds
I think I'm technically a "secret schizoid" whatever that means.
"Their lives are a constant struggle between connecting and distancing"
I shouldn't have googled it.
-----
I think we may be nearing the end.
Please sir. My daughter. She is very sick.
She isn't eating. She won't curl up with me.
She doesn't seem interested in the bird videos now.
$1000 gone at the vet like it was nothing.
and like it did nothing.
One thing wrong with her, but it isn't just one thing.
It's a chain, and the medicine, I know it won't help.
I'll still give it to her, even though she'll hate me for it.
I'm trying to spend as much time with her as I can.
I want to make her as happy as I can.
My time with her, a lot of it has felt squandered, taken for granted.
I don't want it to end having been that way. I want her to feel loved, be happy.
If this is the end I want to see her off with a smile, even if I can't.
Death is never pretty, is it?
I'm talking about my cat. She's at the end of her biological lifespan.
In human years she would be around 85 years old, at the least.
How can I have a daughter, call her baby, and have her die of old age before me?
That's wrong, isn't it?
but maybe calling her my daughter seems wrong too, I don't know, not to me anyway.
...
"But if you're honest, do you really care?"
...
>Watching anime
>This dude is an old man
>He's 26
Alright.
...
It's not who I am underneath, it's what I DO that defines me.
*jumps off building*
*is 300lbs*
...
I feel so detached from being human.
...
Imagine having two attractive drunk girls escort you to your car.
and not having a single lewd thought about either one.
Gay as hell dude.
...
This is like...
No this is literally sexual frustration, but it's all fucked up.
...
I don't want my cat to die.
...
Imagine having the ability to get laid and a strong desire not to.
Fucking inverted incel or some shit.
Lame.
...
It's just stupid rambling.
...
Morals. The answer is morals.
Unless you're me, then you just literally don't want to at all.
and thus morality is irrelevant.
...
I feel attacked, but I also feel like a lot of people would do the same thing.
No idea how off I am.
...
We have homeless people who have moved into the area we live in.
"Well drug addiction is just a mental illness, speaking of which I'm mentally ill"
"Also I do amphetamines which is basically the same as meth"
"In other words these people are me if I didn't have you (mom)"
"Also I do amphetamines which is basically the same as meth"
"In other words these people are me if I didn't have you (mom)"
Like the difference between homelessness and a made life is one pillar of support.
I have no doubt that it can be.
...
I'm a fucking natural born simp.
I just spend money on fucking anybody that wants it.
I'm like a slut.
What the hell am I rambling about?
No seriously.
...
I just get self-
What's the word?
Self-value, or whatever.
From seeing people happy as a result of things I do.
That way I don't feel like a misery spreading husk, like I actualy envision myself as.
because people have emotional expectations no matter where you go.
---
Pretty sure I've already rambled about this stuff before, just in different words.
Listen, not that much has happened in my life in the last two years.
Except success, but success is boring.
edit: succeeding is great, but being successful is boring as hell
...
I sit down in front of her.
She isn't eating.
I put her treats in front of her. The container is open.
She takes one and eats it without issue.
She's happy. She's looking at me lovingly.
I put her treats aside.
I put the kidney care cat food in front of her.
Her tail begins to lash.
She won't look at me.
She won't eat it.
...
Alright, so she's not that sick.
She's just being a brat.
As always.
...
It's still weird having social skills.
A hikiNEET with too much anxiety to even post anonymously.
Feeling nostalgia purely from breathing fresh air outside.
That's still me.
Sometimes when I talk, it sounds like someone else talking.
It's my voice, but my voice doesn't have command like that.
"Who is that person?"
Is what I think to myself.
...
>so autistic you force yourself to do not autistic things to not be autistic and then are surprised when you start talking like youre not autistic after learning a skill through many years
woooow
...
I guess it makes sense thinking negative self talk is unhealthy.
That's like thinking your adrenal/fear response constantly activating is abnormal.
...
This dude is a man of culture.
Also I don't like older women with big tits.
Remember when I had sexual preferences? Remember when that was a thing?
Pepperidge farm remembers.
Actually, I hope not. That would mean they're tracking me.
...
Or y'know, they just read my blog.
...
Just noticed the dude in this anime is a huge beta simp just like me.
Not sure if I should feel better.
...
>being able to pay people to do your housework for you
that sounds like a god damn dream
no, wait, that's what maids do
how does that typemoon meme go again?
[X] You know the one.
but really
>lewd stuff
>requires effort
>people doing work for you
>reduces the effort you have to take
says the workaholic
everything about me is contradicting
...
"but if you're honest do you really care?"
...
This anime is really relatable.
This dude made 2 girls miserable in an instant by doing nothing.
...
Come to think of it, he wasn't responsible for their emotional states.
...
Shut up.
...
ive never seen such a blatant pandering self insert of a character before
...
like they gave him the most easily relatable personality possible for viewers
...
probably
...
...
>mom mentions I'm wasting away to nothing
>tell her "I still have muscle"
>pull up my sleeve and flex my arm
>pull up my sleeve and flex my arm
>she laughs so hard she almost starts crying
>realize what I just did and also laugh almost to tears
>"sorry, it's just the way you did that so feebly"
heavy chad energy
I'm laughing just thinking about it
----
I don't really enjoy anime any more.
Feels like most of it is aimed at a younger audience.
Which I'm sure it is.
but I like this one a lot.
I'm actually looking forward to new episodes.
...
imagine joining a discord server just to read people to sleep
that's still really fucked up
...
i mean, morally nothing wrong with it
but like
who the hell does that?
...
just reminds me that i used to read to my mom before bed like every night
when i was a kid
so it's probably some freudian shit
...
>go on leddit to see what other people think of this anime
>also to see if people think this bland self insert is fucked up (for no reason)
>"this episodes was so emotional holy shit"
>"i got chills"
>"guys do i have to emotionally prepare myself for the next episode?"
>"guys do i have to emotionally prepare myself for the next episode?"
>"she's really fucked up i would have kicked her out"
Alright.
----
Nerd.
Still aren't honest about what actually goes on in your head in these posts.
Still running from your feelings.
If you blind yourself you won't be able to see anything.
...
The best and worst parts of me run in parallel.
...
Still don't know what that means.
...
Yes you do.
...
That sounds ominous as hell.
...
I mean I have contradicting feelings, at least in this case.
Which is probably pretty normal.
edit: cognitive dissonance the blog post, the person, the movie, the game 2 electric boogaloo
...
Being torn between wanting to be eternally angry and relaxed for example.
Being torn between wanting to be eternally angry and relaxed for example.
...
Remember when your relationship ended and you felt a rush.
Because you felt like you succeeded at something you thought was really hard.
The same rush you get when you solve a difficult problem.
Like it was all a game.
Because it was to you.
Even though it wasn't.
...
That's what I mean.
...
That's just one example.
...
You're a terrible person even if you pretend not to be.
...
That's hilarious too because you did fail.
and the only thing that kept you from utter failure was circumstance.
....
All of the disgust you feel toward other people for being human.
While also admiring them for things you feel you don't have.
...
and when I start to feel human the disgust includes me as well.
and I enjoy it when it's me.
Because I feed on my own negative emotions.
Most of my motivation comes from my own unhappiness.
That's why you never wanted to be happy.
That's why you wanted it to fail.
So that you wouldn't feel held back and held in place.
...
That's not even the worst of it.
---
u gay
...
>make her (the cat) mad
>she keeps staring at me from across the room
>not really sure what she wants
>grab her, snug her, and play bird videos for her
>she stops pouting and goes to sleep
gay
...
talking about my cat in this case, but this is how it goes with people too.
...
You ever listen to ASMR, and it's like "dude if that was my voice I would fucking hate it"
but it ain't your voice, so it sounds alright instead.
Crazy how nature do dat.
...
Rambling was a mistake.
---
I'm so stressed out.
>be autistic
>anxiety so bad i cant even post anonymously on the internet
>deliberately put myself into a job that attacks my weakest points
>every day im in high pressure situations where i have no idea what to do
>in many of those moments i'm all alone and have no one to rely on
>in many of those moments i'm all alone and have no one to rely on
>feel like my body is constantly trying to have a panic attack
>this is normal
>be an abomination
>should have died really early on in life
>everyone around me props me up and keeps investing in me
>on paper im stable and successful
>its just because other people made it happen
>i still fuck up literally every day
>i still fuck up literally every day
...
why the fuck is everyone so protective of me
why the fuck do people invest in me
im not even good
im fucking awful at lots of things
im barely passable at some things
...
the bar is just really low
edit: you're a perfectionist and you condemn yourself when you make even one mistake
...
like
signing a corpse up for a downhill race
all you gotta do is put it in a car that's really fast and watch it go
im the corpse
...
i dont know man
somtimes its like
people arent special
when youre young it kinda feels like they are
but any emotional connection you ever have can likely be replicated with another
any countless number of others
so why value individual people?
well it aint for the emotional connections, its because theyre cool as hell
unlike me, loser
---
"I could be really good at [thing] and I'd still think I'm fucking terrible"
t-thanks brain
...
>tell mom i bet i cant even bench 40lbs now
>she laughs pretty hard
>she laughs pretty hard
???
...
its weirds sometimes because i assume most people are exactly the same as me
but then theyll express things like outrage over things that dont affect them
...
"but if you're honest do you really care?"
>feel bug on my arm
>feel bug on my arm
>dont kill it
>put it outside
>someone else sees a bug
>they fucking crush it
>feel slight outrage
...
i mean fuck you dont crush people do you?
...
I like making these posts.
I'm lonely as fuck but I don't want to talk to anyone.
So messing up the pots and pans in my head feels slightly accompanying.
...
I'm pretty sure I don't enjoy ASMR at all anymore.
...
I don't remember if I posted this before but I remember typing it:
I used to feel really unsafe falling asleep around other people.
I still kinda do.
I don't really know why, but every time I think about it, I think about my sister.
...
That's going to sound weird if I don't elaborate.
Okay so, for one thing, she used to force me into girls clothing, even in my sleep.
...
It sounds weird even if I elaborate.
...
I'm just going to leave it at that actually.
edit: no it didnt give me a fetish. it gave me nightmares.
...
This is one of those situations where the more I say the worse it sounds.
...
but I used to feel like if I fell asleep with anyone near, they'd probably kill me, or something.
I don't really know why.
...
I still feel a bit like that.
...
Earlier today, I was thinking, I might have my life together one day.
Actually. On paper, and in reality.
and if that day ever comes and anyone looks into my social life in that time.
They'll probably see a huge blackout period where nothing happened.
Someone who intentionally keeps their social life dead as fuck.
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I feel like that'll scream "murderous psychopath" or something.
edit: had two people tell me i could be a serial killer because i'm a loner so theory confirmed.
That, and not the "I am nothing I feel nothing" written all over my walls.
That part is not normal, and doesn't actually exist, at least on any physical walls.
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but in my brain, it's carved in everywhere I look, and I can't remove it.
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Life feels really really hard all the time.
Having days that feel easy is incredibly rare.
Although when every day is hard, hard becomes average.
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but sometimes I want to feel like I can rest, and feel assured.
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"You feeling that way slows us down"
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"We worked for 5 minutes. We deserve an hour break already."
No chance.
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That's silly, but it still sums up how I feel overall.
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1. I live to work. What other reason could there possibly be for living?
1. I live to work. What other reason could there possibly be for living?
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That's true, but now that I've put it into words it sounds stupid.
It also sounds like despair.
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Shouldn't it be like:
2. "I live for the beauty in life and those around me whom I adore"
Shouldn't it be like:
2. "I live for the beauty in life and those around me whom I adore"
Is it bad that sounds even dumber to me than the first reason?
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The first reason sounds like purpose.
The second sounds like hedonism. edit: You mean happiness?
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but really, neither reason matters more than the other.
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Because neither one matters at all.
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The problem with me wanting to cast away the humanity I have is I can't.
No matter what, I'll always have it, and casting it away only serves as a hindrance.
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Sometimes I feel like I react to some things the wrong way.
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This goes back to the Echidna images above actually.
I just mean sometimes, maybe often, my vocal tone and word choice don't line up.
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tfw no echidna gf
you don't want a fucking echidna gf besides you already had one
people like this are fucked up
edit: no people like this just have customer service jobs ayyyy
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you ever talk to victims of sexual abuse about stuff you went through
and they're super upset on your behalf
but you're just like "shit dude that was normal for me"
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Now that I've said that I immediately regret it.
because that makes it sound like I've been through other weird things.
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"What you went through wasn't that bad".
"What you went through wasn't that bad".
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but that's also what I think about myself.
Other people have had it worse, so have I really had it so bad?
Shouldn't I be able to bounce back like nothing happened?
Why would I break down unless something is wrong with me?
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Lots of shit is wrong with you so just go ahead and break down.
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Yeah I'm aware that line of thought is distorted.
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The longer this post gets, the more I hate it.
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Yes, not everything in my head is on here.
but a lot of it is.
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Listen, all I'm saying is people will ignore foreshadowing even if it's right in front of them.
As long as they aren't looking for it.
So there's a lot you can get away with in that regard.
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I don't know what that's supposed to mean.
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part of the reason for these posts was I felt like I made myself look like a good person
in earlier posts
and i dont want anyone reading this blog to get the wrong idea.
so id show you how disgusting i actually am
i guess
...
that's dumb
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a chance to say awful things even accidentally.
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"I live for the beauty in life and those around me whom I adore"
Growing up with a broken brain means there is no beauty in life, only pain.
Having everyone you trust turn on you means there aren't people you adore.
You learn to prioritize different things.
Even if life improves, do those things change?
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Why would they?
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Spite yourself for being below everyone else.
Spite them for doing that to you to begin with.
and you do that by improving. Never stop.
---
>so autistic your autism causes you to develop social skills
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oh yeah I was fully aware I was referencing trauma in the third person.
if it happened to someone else, it's like it didn't happen to me.
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though really, acknowledging it doesn't change anything.
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the fact that traumatized me makes me feel absolutely disgusted in myself.
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not bad.
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shit that sounds like me except i dont want a clean slate
also fuck therapists
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literally
just a massive orgy
...
but count me out
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I used to go into work literally every day thinking
"They're going to fucking fire me as soon as I walk in"
but nothing happened
Whatever problem I imagined, no one ever said a word about it.
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I feel so angry.
This is great.
...
Actually it's painful. It hurts.
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I wouldn't have it any other way.
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Even in an ideal world.
---
"Imagine having two attractive drunk girls escort you to your car.
and not having a single lewd thought about either one."
Imagine if they asked you to read them bed time stories.
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Alright.
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Actually reading to people online is okay.
but the idea of being alone in a bedroom with a girl, or really anyone, sounds awful.
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The more I talk about stuff like this, the more I keep thinking about that schizoid thing.
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Lonely as fuck and absolutely don't want to be around anyone no matter what.
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Remember when you really wanted to train skills that would make you a good husband?
Remember how you've still been doing that because you hadn't considered otherwise yet?
But now we've thought about it.
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Life is just a RPG with skills to grind to max level tbh.
That's all I did as a NEET anyway really.
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yeah life is hard as fuck but hard games are fun
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i guess it probably changes gameplay slightly when being miserable is desirable
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i really wonder if these posts are fun to read at all.
the amount of sleepiness and apathy in them is pretty huge, i think.
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rereading them is also like reading my thoughts after ive been hit in the head a few times.
I guess because it's rambling and I don't really think through anything I say here.
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i wonder if anything i say is genuinely delusional and i'm unaware of it
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"how to gaslight yourself"
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Hypocrisy.
Originally you gave up on everything until you met someone who convinced you not to.
It was a person who did that. Someone you wanted to be better for.
Never to spite anyone.
...
but didn't it turn out that was a mistake?
People are all like that.
You never fully know anyone. You can never undeniably invest in anyone.
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There aren't special people.
There are stepping stones.
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I don't really feel that way. I don't believe that.
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Everyone that is in my life is special to me in someone way.
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gay
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>Vtubers playing NieR
>Check it out
>Vtubers crying
>Comments
>"I cried"
>"I cried"
>"I cried"
>"I cried"
>Wiping Pascal's memory
>Extreme hesitation doing so
Alright.
----------
step 1. set boundaries
step 2. enforce boundaries
step 3. be a habitual loner (that's step 1 actually)
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How does falling in love work anyway?
I guess people do weird shit that makes your emotions act up
and then they keep doing it
and your emotions stay elevated
and then it's like "fuck"
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usually it involves harassment in some form
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that's why i straight up ignore 99% of people
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well that and im a workaholic
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speaking of which my cat is sick and i'm really worried about her
but at the same time i don't really feel anything
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man this is fucked up
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i don't like it.
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there's this expectation that i should care and i try to express it
but i have to remind myself that i care constantly
like with most people
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man we're on like 3 levels of dissonance here.
how i think i should feel
how i think i feel
how i really feel
maybe.
or maybe it is all at face value.
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i dont know there's some part of me that wants to think i'm delusional.
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i want to spend time with her.
even if i don't care.
for the me that does care, or that should care.
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but it is scary.
if this is how i feel losing even the people who are most important to me.
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this is why you talk to literally no one if you can help it
....
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I feel like ignoring people gets me way more attention that socializing would.
edit: people also constantly ask me why i hate them
------
i heard someone use the word "gay" to refer to something lame
fucking made me laugh
because no one uses that word anymore to describe anything
although i still do it on this blog out of habit
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overheard someone telling their kid to screen their genetics before having kids.
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reminder that you can't have kids because your genetics are cursed tier.
edit: reminder that your genetics are cursed tier but for some reason your bloodline keeps reproducing in spite of that, and even though you're cursed yourself, you're actually successful, and because you're so utterly broken, you ironically have yourself together better than some people who have no such problems to begin with
edit 2: that can't be me that said that
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sometimes it feels really hard
i feel like i dont do a good job. i'm a slacker.
but i want someone to tell me im doing a good job anyway
and just be reassuring
...
gay
---
even if it doesn't feel like anything, because of anhedonia, or whyever it is
my brain still has an expectation that it will feel nice.
until it happens, and i'm reminded
"oh right"
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that sounds sad when i put it like that
deprived
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boredom is the most painful emotion i have ever experienced
"success" is the best feeling i have ever experienced
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success is like doing meth or something
nothing compares.
spoken like a true drug addict.
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i guess that's why you disregard people and pursue work above all else.
well, that's one reason.
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i wonder what that says about me.
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if i was in a relationship and i said that, i'm pretty sure id end up single.
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but my brain still has an expectation that things are supposed to feel a certain way.
even if they don't.
i still want for it, even if i can't have it. even if i know.
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but the problem with chasing success, is, i imagine
it's like chasing one high
you need to do better and better to achieve the same feeling
aim higher and higher
eventually it becomes unattainable. unsustainable.
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but you pursue it because what else are you going to do?
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i wonder why that is anyway
why does food feel like nothing
and succeeding feels like everything
that isn't how it works for other people with dopamine problems.
but it is for me.
everyone is different, i guess
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once again i have no idea how weird i am unless someone points it out
but i have a feeling my mind is like a train wreck.
not something anyone wants to be involved in
but maybe it's a little bit fun to watch.
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Isn't there supposed to be a point to this?
No.
You know that.
but if there was, it'd be understanding how my mind works.
---
Oh I don't throw money at vtubers.
No point.
Like a drop of water into an ocean.
If it has little meaning, it has little point.
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>google "imposter syndrome"
Oh
...
On second thought I think I am better on a high dose of beta-blockers.
Fear
Excitement
Excitement
...
All that good stuff.
BYE BYE
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>almost a rape scene
Made me angry.
"you ever talk to victims of sexual abuse about stuff you went through"
"and they're super upset on your behalf"
"but you're just like "shit dude that was normal for me""
Like a real normie.
...
I'm impressed.
...
but not by myself because I have a monkey brain.
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I don't feel violent much.
I don't feel violent much.
I don't feel violent ever.
but if I did, this would be one.
sick reference
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Shit I'm a white knight.
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No you idiot, it's not the same.
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It's like you're deliberately illogical.
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I'm surprised you're just noticing that now.
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>fuck something else up for somebody
>hear him talking about how smart i am behind my back a few days later
>he's serious
okay so hypothetically
if you held everyone to the same standards you hold yourself
how many people would you still be fond of?
...
I'm going to ignore that.
----
So anyway, there are two gay wolves inside of me.
I used to treat mental illness as a separate entity in my mind.
but it pretty much defined who I was, and still does, so if we're honest, it's just me.
but for a while there was separation, like a normal me without mental illness
and then the mental illness demon who would drive knife after knife into me
and I couldn't really do anything about it
...
still drives knives into me every day
feels very similar to having a piece of metal cut through the skin
constantly.
it's just anxiety, but it feels sharp.
hopefully someone knows what i mean
...
"Physical anhedonia is an inability to feel tactile pleasures such as eating, touching, or sex. The symptoms of anhedonia include: social withdrawal. a lack of relationships or withdrawal from previous relationships."
I need to stop googling random shit.
...
this blog is pretty much just "woe is me my life is pretty good"
----
Just found out my cat actually is dying and has less than a year left to live.
I asked questions. I started to get morbid. I was curious to see what kind of reaction I would get from the vet, and from myself. Why is it that I felt morbid curiosity more than sorrow?
And then I tell other people and I see sorrow from them. Understanding.
They feel more sorrow than I do.
and as I type this with the knowledge I'll have to decide when she dies, she rests next to me.
Yet I still tend to her like an automaton put in charge by the previous resident of this home.
I didn't do anything for father's day either, and I feel no remorse about it whatsoever.
Now watch as time passes by faster and faster, and everyone you care about slips away one by one, while the you that cares pounds on the walls inside your head, powerless to do anything, making no sound known to anyone outside, as if he doesn't exist at all. Wishing someone would come save him, and let him out.
Sometimes I do weird things without any regard for the consequences. The consequences won't emotionally affect me, so why would they be something to account for?
Every human interaction I have, every conversation I have. All of it feels like a repeat of something that has already happened before. People aren't math, but I still see patterns in the things that people do. Sometimes the patterns display slightly differently, but they're still the same patterns. It's fun learning patterns and formulas for patterns, but it seems wrong.
I want to break down, but there's nothing there.
It's like watching a bad television. It's static. You hit the top of it. It's still static. You tilt it a certain way. It tunes in for a moment, and then resumes static before very long.
It's a nightmare that won't end.
"You're less friendly than you used to be."
I don't know if this is because of the adderall.
"I know what it's like to be dead now. Day and night are the same. Blank. No difference between dreams or anything like that. No sense at all. Brain has been totally inactive. No dreams. No thoughts of any kind whatsoever."
edit: My cat died.
I stayed with her until the end. My mom cried. My sister cried. The people around me talked about how hard it must be, but I feel nothing.
edit 2: I really miss her. I wish she was still with me. When I talked about her earlier in this post, I didn't think this post would end after she died.
Oh it hit me. About a 3/10 on the sad scale for a few seconds.
edit 4: went up to a 7/10 for a few seconds
If it lasted more than a few seconds I'd be really really fucked.
-----
Got asked out again.
I don't understand.
----
I accepted.
---
Don't know why.
---
Alright we're fixing everything.
edit: my mental health is in fucking shambles
edit: saw my dad
...
I have a job in sales.
Dating and sales are pretty much exactly the same thing.
You can't do well in sales if you don't know the value of your product.
In dating, if you don't know your value, you end up selling yourself short.
Because you're a little bitch.
So if you want to be better why don't you think about that for a while?
edit: ur gay
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I-I don't want to date.
----
I finally told a few people what I'm like emotionally.
I got acceptance.
...
I didn't really expect to.
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Am I hiding for no reason?
Living a life of how I'm supposed to feel.
but everyone feels differently, don't they?
Maybe it's okay for me to be the way I am.
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I kinda thought S would react negatively to it.
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She didn't.
edit: No she made a point of making me understand that it doesn't matter, if anything.
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Maybe she doesn't get it though.
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I feel like I'm discrediting her intelligence by saying that.
Just for the sake of my own self-doubt.
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Okay think about this from a perspective that isn't your own.
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Yeah. Maybe it is okay.
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I'm currently like 4 for 4 with people accepting it without any issues.
I'm really surprised.
----
Okay I'm posting it.
Okay I'm posting it.
...
Next post will be Medaka Box 91-end.
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