Edit: This was slowly written throughout the last few months.
Now I really have nothing to ramble about.
I think I got some stuff outta my system.
Finally. Like I wanted to.
Oh no I'm bored.
I say that like it's the worst possible situation to be.
Judging from previous posts it is.
...
I'd been holding back a lot up until the last post.
It was kinda frustrating.
I feel a little better now.
but somehow also a bit worse.
...
I'm really missing working out
and feeling not super skinny.
Well I still have muscle definition, but not like I want to.
Not like I did.
...
Stupid pandemic.
...
and me letting go of the anger that motivated me.
...
That's another reason why letting go of stress almost feels awful.
Stress tends to drive me forward.
...
Workaholic, just like my parents.
...
"Workaholics tend to be less effective than other workers because they have difficulty working as part of a team, trouble delegating or entrusting co-workers or organizational problems due to taking on too much work at once."
I'm being attacked.
...
I'm not really "happy" unless I'm working.
Even if I'm working on nothing of importance.
...
Although I think I'd rather work on something worthwhile.
That's how I justify taking some time to work on pathfinder.
It builds certain skills.
Come to think of it, more than I realized until now.
...
Before you know it I'll be back to being a player again.
and instead of gently warning people their notes are on the token layer
I'll read them out loud sarcastically to the party.
...
No, I won't really do that.
...
Sometimes I feel things.
Oh not this again.
No no.
Every once in a while I'll feel an emotion for a split second, one which I normally don't.
...
I have no idea where I intended to go with that.
I have autismo.
...
Sometimes my brain shows me really scary memories.
and I feel like curling up into a ball.
...
Well this one was scary because I remember how I was feeling.
I don't really remember why.
Actually I was curled up in a ball in the memory.
On the floor, in the dark.
Why do I always isolate myself when I'm in a lot of pain?
Animals do the same thing, you know?
When they go to die.
...
Speaking of animals.
That damned cat keeps coming outta no where and assaulting me.
Always at the most inopportune times.
Well one of them was alright.
...
I was sleeping and she curled up next to me on my pillow.
...
but otherwise, I'm usually doing something
and she'll come up and attack my face, with her face.
Licking and headbutts.
and there's no explanation for any of it
She was perfectly content staying in the living room for weeks prior.
...
I talk about my cat a lot, but that was also kinda to get away from some of the darker stuff.
...
Damn, I am tired.
...
I ended up staying up really late last night.
...
Which is the same night I posted the last post.
...
I can always tell I'm dead tired when I don't want to do anything.
(and not by falling over)
...
"Sex is gross"
Low test confirmed.
but even when I was on steroids my libido didn't change.
...
Actually I feel like a lot of things that should turn me on, don't.
Because they seem to work on other people.
...
Except saliva. 100% of the time it works every time.
...
That literally just means kissing.
It's lewd as all hell.
...
gay smut: the blog
More like gay slut, amirite?
...
This post wasn't supposed to go in this direction.
...
but I make these posts having no idea what direction they'll go in.
"There's no earthly way of knowing."
and in a state where I'm guaranteed to say something weird.
"Which direction we are going."
...
aaaaa I want to go back to the gym.
Fucking pandemic.
"At least there will be less people once it's over."
Not here. Barely anyone is infected.
"That's a terrible thought to have."
Someone has to say that. Well not really.
but I need a voice of reason or I'll hate myself.
...
Hm what to ramble about.
Health, work, friends, pathfinder
stuff in the past?
nah
stuff in the future?
Shit, what do you think I'm some kind of diviner?
...
That's what I meant by not feeling quite human though.
Not really interested in lewd stuff.
Kind of emotionally detached.
but not entirely, which is what makes it contradicting.
...
I just realized I still talk in memes.
...
The cat is back.
She hasn't attacked me yet, but I bet it's comi-yep
...
So noisy.
...
I'm too tired to shoo her away.
but it's not like I'm allowed to.
Well, she's happy.
I won't stomp on that.
...
God damn.
I've joked about giving dudes back rubs.
but to be on the receiving end of that is really nice.
Doesn't matter if it's a dude.
I can see why they just go along with it when I do it.
...
"You'll have to find pussy if you want someone to do that"
What if I hired an escort just to rub my back.
Actually there are people that do that.
Massage therapists.
and work covers it.
...
Nah forget it.
...
Being a tsundere is fucking terrible.
...
Can't you just be open and honest about the way you feel?
Fuck no.
...
Language.
...
"Yeah. English."
Rude.
...
It's weird being around someone who is hugely perverted.
MAN VS GOD
DAY VS NIGHT
or something.
...
I mean every person I look at, I don't think about whether or not I'd bang them.
It doesn't even come to mind.
but some people are on the opposite end of that.
...
Not that I think that's a problem, but it's the polar opposite of what I'm used to.
Some people aren't really fond of perverts I guess, but I don't blame them.
...
This post ended up kinda lewd.
I have no idea what I expected starting with an image and title like that.
They tend to set the tone of the entirety of my posts.
...
I'm dying.
Not literally, I'm just really tired.
Holy fuck.
You can tell because I've thrown out any effort of trying to speak like I'm supposed to.
I mean not swearing.
...
and also because most of what I'm saying is pretty...
[word]
ill figure that one out later.
no i wontttttt
...
im hungry
it's the same picture
...
in retrospect I wonder what would've been going through my head during
https://ezmodu.blogspot.com/2020/01/aaaaaaaaaaaaa.html
if I was a huge pervert
"But I also don't mentally understand being the other way [perverted]."
Dunno. Something dirty I guess.
------
1: "You know when you're banging a girl a lot"
1: "and you break up with her"
1: "and she's like "you tiny-dick-having piece of shit""
1: "Really? Bitch. you're the one that wanted to have sex with me."
Me: "Oh fuck yeah, it's crazy when that happens" (Only been with one woman)
2: "I know what you mean" (Same as me but he's married)
Well at least I'm not totally alone
>They start talking about checking girls out
>Both of them do it
>I have no way to relate to the conversation
>Start to feel like a broken person again
I'm not really sure what to attribute that to.
My first thought was having been a hikiNEET.
I rejected people.
but I remember that from being a kid too.
My dad would point girls out to me.
I thought it was kinda embarrassing.
...
Turns out I'm gay after all.
Turns out being gay would probably be better than this.
Because then I wouldn't feel like something is wrong with me.
Well, maybe I would. Who knows.
...
I'm a gray demisexual
edit: When I said that I meant it as a joke. It isn't a joke.
I think I got some stuff outta my system.
Finally. Like I wanted to.
Oh no I'm bored.
I say that like it's the worst possible situation to be.
Judging from previous posts it is.
...
I'd been holding back a lot up until the last post.
It was kinda frustrating.
I feel a little better now.
but somehow also a bit worse.
...
I'm really missing working out
and feeling not super skinny.
Well I still have muscle definition, but not like I want to.
Not like I did.
...
Stupid pandemic.
...
and me letting go of the anger that motivated me.
...
That's another reason why letting go of stress almost feels awful.
Stress tends to drive me forward.
...
Workaholic, just like my parents.
...
"Workaholics tend to be less effective than other workers because they have difficulty working as part of a team, trouble delegating or entrusting co-workers or organizational problems due to taking on too much work at once."
I'm being attacked.
...
I'm not really "happy" unless I'm working.
Even if I'm working on nothing of importance.
...
Although I think I'd rather work on something worthwhile.
That's how I justify taking some time to work on pathfinder.
It builds certain skills.
Come to think of it, more than I realized until now.
...
Before you know it I'll be back to being a player again.
and instead of gently warning people their notes are on the token layer
I'll read them out loud sarcastically to the party.
...
No, I won't really do that.
...
Sometimes I feel things.
Oh not this again.
No no.
Every once in a while I'll feel an emotion for a split second, one which I normally don't.
...
I have no idea where I intended to go with that.
I have autismo.
...
Sometimes my brain shows me really scary memories.
and I feel like curling up into a ball.
...
Well this one was scary because I remember how I was feeling.
I don't really remember why.
Actually I was curled up in a ball in the memory.
On the floor, in the dark.
Why do I always isolate myself when I'm in a lot of pain?
Animals do the same thing, you know?
When they go to die.
...
Speaking of animals.
That damned cat keeps coming outta no where and assaulting me.
Always at the most inopportune times.
Well one of them was alright.
...
I was sleeping and she curled up next to me on my pillow.
...
but otherwise, I'm usually doing something
and she'll come up and attack my face, with her face.
Licking and headbutts.
and there's no explanation for any of it
She was perfectly content staying in the living room for weeks prior.
...
I talk about my cat a lot, but that was also kinda to get away from some of the darker stuff.
...
Damn, I am tired.
...
I ended up staying up really late last night.
...
Which is the same night I posted the last post.
...
I can always tell I'm dead tired when I don't want to do anything.
(and not by falling over)
...
"Sex is gross"
Low test confirmed.
but even when I was on steroids my libido didn't change.
...
Actually I feel like a lot of things that should turn me on, don't.
Because they seem to work on other people.
...
Except saliva. 100% of the time it works every time.
...
That literally just means kissing.
It's lewd as all hell.
...
gay smut: the blog
More like gay slut, amirite?
...
This post wasn't supposed to go in this direction.
...
but I make these posts having no idea what direction they'll go in.
"There's no earthly way of knowing."
and in a state where I'm guaranteed to say something weird.
"Which direction we are going."
...
aaaaa I want to go back to the gym.
Fucking pandemic.
"At least there will be less people once it's over."
Not here. Barely anyone is infected.
"That's a terrible thought to have."
Someone has to say that. Well not really.
but I need a voice of reason or I'll hate myself.
...
Hm what to ramble about.
Health, work, friends, pathfinder
stuff in the past?
nah
stuff in the future?
Shit, what do you think I'm some kind of diviner?
...
That's what I meant by not feeling quite human though.
Not really interested in lewd stuff.
Kind of emotionally detached.
but not entirely, which is what makes it contradicting.
...
I just realized I still talk in memes.
...
The cat is back.
She hasn't attacked me yet, but I bet it's comi-yep
...
So noisy.
...
I'm too tired to shoo her away.
but it's not like I'm allowed to.
Well, she's happy.
I won't stomp on that.
...
God damn.
I've joked about giving dudes back rubs.
but to be on the receiving end of that is really nice.
Doesn't matter if it's a dude.
I can see why they just go along with it when I do it.
...
"You'll have to find pussy if you want someone to do that"
What if I hired an escort just to rub my back.
Actually there are people that do that.
Massage therapists.
and work covers it.
...
Nah forget it.
...
Being a tsundere is fucking terrible.
...
Can't you just be open and honest about the way you feel?
Fuck no.
...
Language.
...
"Yeah. English."
Rude.
...
It's weird being around someone who is hugely perverted.
MAN VS GOD
DAY VS NIGHT
or something.
...
I mean every person I look at, I don't think about whether or not I'd bang them.
It doesn't even come to mind.
but some people are on the opposite end of that.
...
Not that I think that's a problem, but it's the polar opposite of what I'm used to.
Some people aren't really fond of perverts I guess, but I don't blame them.
...
This post ended up kinda lewd.
I have no idea what I expected starting with an image and title like that.
They tend to set the tone of the entirety of my posts.
...
I'm dying.
Not literally, I'm just really tired.
Holy fuck.
You can tell because I've thrown out any effort of trying to speak like I'm supposed to.
I mean not swearing.
...
and also because most of what I'm saying is pretty...
[word]
ill figure that one out later.
no i wontttttt
...
im hungry
...
in retrospect I wonder what would've been going through my head during
https://ezmodu.blogspot.com/2020/01/aaaaaaaaaaaaa.html
if I was a huge pervert
"But I also don't mentally understand being the other way [perverted]."
Dunno. Something dirty I guess.
------
1: "You know when you're banging a girl a lot"
1: "and you break up with her"
1: "and she's like "you tiny-dick-having piece of shit""
1: "Really? Bitch. you're the one that wanted to have sex with me."
Me: "Oh fuck yeah, it's crazy when that happens" (Only been with one woman)
2: "I know what you mean" (Same as me but he's married)
Well at least I'm not totally alone
>They start talking about checking girls out
>Both of them do it
>I have no way to relate to the conversation
>Start to feel like a broken person again
I'm not really sure what to attribute that to.
My first thought was having been a hikiNEET.
I rejected people.
but I remember that from being a kid too.
My dad would point girls out to me.
I thought it was kinda embarrassing.
...
Turns out being gay would probably be better than this.
Because then I wouldn't feel like something is wrong with me.
Well, maybe I would. Who knows.
...
I'm a gray demisexual
edit: When I said that I meant it as a joke. It isn't a joke.
...
They also talked about some abstinence reality show.
I don't know if this would be irony, but it sounded kinda relatable.
...
Well, it's not like I have a low sex drive. It's just particular.
and when it is there, it's there.
...
2: "That's why I'm really patient with him. I know he has a history of substance abuse."
...
2: "I've never really known someone who was suicidal."
...
2: "I guess some people have brains that are wired differently."
Maybe I don't count though because I'm not actively suicidal. Only formerly.
Either way, to have someone say that to me like they have no idea.
For some reason I feel like I radiate a "this dude could snap at any moment" aura.
...
but it's sorta reassuring being made to believe that I don't.
----
I have told a few people that I've been suicidal in the past.
and they're usually like "Oh neat. Moving on."
Which is my own preference.
Being given special treatment for that would be insulting.
They also talked about some abstinence reality show.
I don't know if this would be irony, but it sounded kinda relatable.
...
Well, it's not like I have a low sex drive. It's just particular.
and when it is there, it's there.
...
2: "That's why I'm really patient with him. I know he has a history of substance abuse."
...
2: "I've never really known someone who was suicidal."
...
2: "I guess some people have brains that are wired differently."
Maybe I don't count though because I'm not actively suicidal. Only formerly.
Either way, to have someone say that to me like they have no idea.
For some reason I feel like I radiate a "this dude could snap at any moment" aura.
...
but it's sorta reassuring being made to believe that I don't.
----
I have told a few people that I've been suicidal in the past.
and they're usually like "Oh neat. Moving on."
Which is my own preference.
Being given special treatment for that would be insulting.
edit: especially because I feel like I'm less prone to being suicidal as a result of it.
...
For reference to some of the stuff I said above:
Playing NieR Automata I exploded 2b's outfit only once.
Because I was curious.
So it's not really an issue of 2d/3d.
...
I can look at someone and mentally acknowledge attractiveness
but unless they mean something to me, it elicits absolutely nothing.
It's like art. Art on its own elicits nothing in me.
...
Although if you've followed this blog for a long time, you'll know I've done some weird stuff.
Granted, I was a NEET with nothing better to do.
...
Inducing a seizure was something I did out of curiosity.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about...
Uh. Don't worry about it.
Put simply, seizures happen...
Due to over-stimulus of the brain, I guess.
...
and I really don't have weird fetishes these days.
Arguably.
...
>Co-worker introduces me to his wife as his gay lover
>"Don't worry it's a good thing"
>"No homo right?"
>"All the homo"
>"Why would you ever say "no homo'?"
>"Uh.. just to be safe."
...
I'm really stressed out.
Not because of the above stuff.
Not really.
...
Frustrated at myself I guess.
---
Well I guess technically I've been with two women.
But only x one.
...
Yeah I'm still too childish to really talk about lewd stuff.
...
Hated every moment with the other one.
...
I think I'm frustrated because my confidence is a bit down.
I don't really have the will to joke around about some stuff.
----
Okay now I'll move away from lewd stuff.
...
I feel pretty low.
...
I pretty much always do at this time of week.
Accidentally typed "weak" that is also accurate.
...
It's monday.
...
More like mongay amirite.
Boo.
...
Tired of the same terrible jokes over and over.
...
I always protest getting attention.
Anyone who gives me attention is a "bastard".
I've come to realize that's an affectionate term I use.
Actually a highly affectionate term.
Since I turn away from things that make me feel stuff.
...
Despite anything I say, I'm actually really happy when I get attention.
...
More reliant on social validation than you thought?
No, probably not. Probably stimulation.
Since lifting works as a replacement for validation.
...
Maybe.
...
Don't tell anyone.
or go ahead, really, doesn't matter.
...
Tell me those aren't the legs of a trap.
...
...
I have a few pictures like that.
They're old.
Surely my legs no longer look like that.
...
Actually it would make sense for that dude to be straight if he imagined I was a girl.
...
For reference to some of the stuff I said above:
Playing NieR Automata I exploded 2b's outfit only once.
Because I was curious.
So it's not really an issue of 2d/3d.
...
I can look at someone and mentally acknowledge attractiveness
but unless they mean something to me, it elicits absolutely nothing.
It's like art. Art on its own elicits nothing in me.
...
Although if you've followed this blog for a long time, you'll know I've done some weird stuff.
Granted, I was a NEET with nothing better to do.
...
Inducing a seizure was something I did out of curiosity.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about...
Uh. Don't worry about it.
Put simply, seizures happen...
Due to over-stimulus of the brain, I guess.
...
and I really don't have weird fetishes these days.
Arguably.
...
>Co-worker introduces me to his wife as his gay lover
>"Don't worry it's a good thing"
>"No homo right?"
>"All the homo"
>"Why would you ever say "no homo'?"
>"Uh.. just to be safe."
...
I'm really stressed out.
Not because of the above stuff.
Not really.
...
Frustrated at myself I guess.
---
Well I guess technically I've been with two women.
But only x one.
...
Yeah I'm still too childish to really talk about lewd stuff.
...
Hated every moment with the other one.
...
I think I'm frustrated because my confidence is a bit down.
I don't really have the will to joke around about some stuff.
----
Okay now I'll move away from lewd stuff.
...
I feel pretty low.
...
I pretty much always do at this time of week.
Accidentally typed "weak" that is also accurate.
...
It's monday.
...
More like mongay amirite.
Boo.
...
Tired of the same terrible jokes over and over.
...
I always protest getting attention.
Anyone who gives me attention is a "bastard".
I've come to realize that's an affectionate term I use.
Actually a highly affectionate term.
Since I turn away from things that make me feel stuff.
...
Despite anything I say, I'm actually really happy when I get attention.
...
More reliant on social validation than you thought?
No, probably not. Probably stimulation.
Since lifting works as a replacement for validation.
...
Maybe.
...
Don't tell anyone.
or go ahead, really, doesn't matter.
...
Tell me those aren't the legs of a trap.
...
I have a few pictures like that.
They're old.
Surely my legs no longer look like that.
...
Actually it would make sense for that dude to be straight if he imagined I was a girl.
(referencing a previous blog post)
...
No homo.
...
Imagine the chaos if I didn't have that one phrase to protect me.
...
----
I think I remember why I wanted to stop being human.
...
Just remind yourself, these posts are to work through psychological stuff.
Stuff I'd been avoiding.
...
I'm not sure I feel like I've worked through anything though.
All I did was bring some stuff to the surface that I'd been trying to bury for a really long time.
No one is perfect.
If you're mindful of it, it could be okay.
That's what I believe.
and I didn't before.
but I'm still insecure about it.
and that's okay.
but I do still think people deserve better than that.
...
I felt kinda reassured.
Me: "You know some people feel the effects of covid for months after getting it"
Me: "and some people even have it for the rest of their lives."
2: "What? No wa... OH."
and he laughed.
I knew he would.
Like I wanted him to.
Not everyone would laugh at that.
Some people would even get upset.
but he didn't.
...
Someone else having low empathy actually felt so reassuring.
It usually does.
because I feel a little less broken.
A little less like I shouldn't be.
Feeling like it's okay to be me is all I really want.
...
I imagine I probably register as a high empathy person to most people.
but that's also exactly how I want to come off.
and how I want to be.
So if people believe that, it may as well be true, right?
Actually, maybe that's a bit delusional.
...
but maybe it isn't.
...
I sound like a pure maiden or something.
Even after everything.
Not what I expected.
I'll regret saying this in the morning.
...
It's probably not true anyway.
---
>You're like the real life beta harem protagonist who gets all the girls by being nice.
...
3: "I know lots of older ladies that would devour [C]."
3: "and I mean DEVOUR."
...
No homo.
...
Imagine the chaos if I didn't have that one phrase to protect me.
...
----
I think I remember why I wanted to stop being human.
...
Just remind yourself, these posts are to work through psychological stuff.
Stuff I'd been avoiding.
...
I'm not sure I feel like I've worked through anything though.
All I did was bring some stuff to the surface that I'd been trying to bury for a really long time.
No one is perfect.
If you're mindful of it, it could be okay.
That's what I believe.
and I didn't before.
but I'm still insecure about it.
and that's okay.
but I do still think people deserve better than that.
...
I felt kinda reassured.
Me: "You know some people feel the effects of covid for months after getting it"
Me: "and some people even have it for the rest of their lives."
2: "What? No wa... OH."
and he laughed.
I knew he would.
Like I wanted him to.
Not everyone would laugh at that.
Some people would even get upset.
but he didn't.
...
Someone else having low empathy actually felt so reassuring.
It usually does.
because I feel a little less broken.
A little less like I shouldn't be.
Feeling like it's okay to be me is all I really want.
...
I imagine I probably register as a high empathy person to most people.
but that's also exactly how I want to come off.
and how I want to be.
So if people believe that, it may as well be true, right?
Actually, maybe that's a bit delusional.
...
but maybe it isn't.
...
I sound like a pure maiden or something.
Even after everything.
Not what I expected.
I'll regret saying this in the morning.
...
It's probably not true anyway.
---
>You're like the real life beta harem protagonist who gets all the girls by being nice.
3: "I know lots of older ladies that would devour [C]."
3: "and I mean DEVOUR."
Alright.
---
Been a while since I worked on this post.
I don't know what kind of vibes I give off.
how do people live for so long without getting bored?
---
Been a while since I worked on this post.
I ended up joining a few discord servers.
I don't really know how that came about.
I don't really know how that came about.
...
Pretty much just so I could read stories to people, to help em sleep.
Something I used to do.
I thought it might be validating.
...Kinda is.
Also came across a few people with mental health problems.
My kind of mental health problems.
...
People seem to like my voice which makes me a bit happy.
I started to feel like an eboy or something so I slowed down.
I don't really know how to handle having simps.
Not that I really do, but, almost.
...
There are a lot of feelings that I just don't really have.
or they're so shallow they may as well not exist.
I still have no idea how to explain that to someone.
"Oh I like you. I just don't feel anything."
and I feel like I'm starting to forget what it was like to be depressed.
Like I can't relate to what it's like being depressed, even though I am.
I look at other people who were in the same kind of place I was.
Of course I feel like I should worry about them.
Maybe on some level I do, but it's detached.
Like I really don't want them to kill themselves, but honestly it wouldn't really matter.
edit:
...
Nothing really makes me sad now either. Being sad was a big part of being depressed.
but it's something I don't really have now.
...
My dad's pretty sick, and he might die.
I don't feel anything, even though he's very important to me.
...
Someone at work brought that up.
and in the back of my head I was thinking:
"Are they expecting me to react to this in some way?"
"Are they expecting me to react to this in some way?"
Not feeling anything is hard.
Because I can't really "see" what the proper response is to some things.
Feeling sufficiently sad, I'll eventually cry, and that's a normal response.
When I can't even feel anything I literally have to guess at how I'm supposed to react.
Just purely based off of past experiences, and I never know if I'm doing it right.
...
Honestly... I don't think I'm a sociopath.
Although if I am I'm some weird wholesome sociopath.
I don't smoke, don't drink, don't say bad words, don't have tattoos, have money, a good job.
edit: You definitely swear, at least in these posts.
I don't enjoy seeing people get hurt.
That feels like a bit of a weird one because it doesn't really affect me.
It's just kinda gross and not something I care for, at least these days.
...
I remember watching FMJ in high school.
and the suicide scene.
I laughed because I thought it was funny.
That was not the proper response.
edit: Rewatched it just now. No idea why I once thought that was funny.
...
Why do I always talk about this weird stuff?
Because I really can't express it to anyone.
Most of the people who have problems like this, aren't like this.
Maybe I'm not like this either.
Maybe it should be weird having to constantly watch my behavior to decide what to do.
"Oh I shouldn't swear."
but why? What does it matter?
but why? What does it matter?
Mom told me not to swear, and so I will attempt to follow that.
When I can remember to anyway.
...
Sometimes I miss people, just not very much. More of a passing feeling.
Was I like this before?
I mean exactly like this?
Eh, what does it matter.
Eh, what does it matter.
...
I feel like being a "wholesome sociopath" would be more jarring than if I wasn't.
Someone who swears a lot, and is violent, or whatever, if they're like that, no surprise.
Some guy who doesn't want you to get hurt, and tries not to swear.
but somehow has no empathy to back up any of that proper behavior.
...
In my case empathy isn't the motivator.
It's "being like I'm supposed to".
....
A broken mess who probably doesn't belong anywhere, right?
I guess.
I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea to come back to this post.
I was feeling a bit lonely, and I didn't want to talk to anyone.
So I talked to myself.
What a mistake.
...
Eh, it's a little bit funny for some reason.
...
Feeling like I'm emotionally deprived and I'll just spread misery every where I go.
...
I shouldn't exist.
I shouldn't exist.
If someone executed me it'd be like "alright. good riddance."
...
That kind of thing made me sad before.
Maybe it will later, too.
...
but really that's something we've known all along.
and in this whirling maelstrom of chaos, there is no "should" or "shouldn't".
There just is. Nothing matters.
...
It's always interesting to me how I throw money at people like I think it's a replacement for affection.
I came back to this post because I was feeling lonely.
Now I feel even lonelier.
...
Job well done bro.
...
By the way if you want someone batshit crazy to read to you just ask.
Even though literally no one reads this blog.
...
but really would someone feel comfortable falling asleep around me if they read this?
I'd be surprised.
...
Seems like maybe I succeeded in becoming less human.
Although I feel like a robot or some kind of doll.
Walls are still white.
I'm still nothing.
Work is all that I am or do, really.
...
and spending 250cad to get Jeanne Archer for some reason.
top tier waifu.
Not totally a robot.
Maybe.
...
I guess because I'm an old man.
47 (apparently)
I don't feel comfortable falling asleep with younger people.
Not really.
Maybe in like a baby sitter way.
Anything else would feel creepy.
It's weird though because I still look and feel young.
But the number of my age is not.
---
My boss tells me I remind him of Anton Chigurh.
I've been wondering why.
I thought maybe it was because I let my hair get long a while back
but he said it again after I cut it short.
I probably shouldn't read too far into that.
---
For some reason I'm thinking about the lap pillow thing again.
Why is it that I don't care for lap pillows?
There's no good feeling caused by it.
...
ASMR calms me down at least.
It's a hell of a lot nicer focusing on a nice voice than the stresses of life.
Guess that's probably how the people I read to feel.
...
I can't imagine enjoying being read to though.
Not that I've never tried it.
...
It's probably that ASMR takes me somewhere else, then.
...
It's weird suddenly having someone be worried about you because you've done the same.
...
I'm not really nice to people with the expectation I'll get something back.
Quite the opposite, rather.
Having that expectation reversed is bizarre.
My feelings matter?
What?
Why?
Because I did something insignificant?
but somehow it means the world to this person?
Because I did something insignificant?
but somehow it means the world to this person?
I don't understand.
or maybe I do. I don't know.
...
Another interesting thing is pain or the way food tastes.
Pretty often it doesn't quite register normally.
I can describe what something tastes like, but it's like I can't taste it.
...
Pain's a bit interesting.
I burned my hand a while ago.
I ran it under cold water.
Removing it from water made the pain start to ramp up.
I was curious to see how I would react as the pain built.
Groaning and dancing a bit.
At a certain point my body releases adrenaline to fight the pain.
It's interesting to see what the threshold for that is.
and it's interesting feeling it be released.
It's almost subtle, unless I'm paying attention to it.
Not that I really like pain though.
...
The more I think about it the more I feel like my reaction in that AAAA post was weird.
and I didn't really realize it before because it felt normal.
...
Adrenaline feels nice though.
I guess I was addicted to it at one point actually.
...
"For example, when individuals with “normal” levels of oxytocin are shown a video of a child with terminal cancer, they tend to experience real, perhaps even severe, empathetic reactions.
However, those who do not produce enough oxytocin feel almost nothing watching the same clip. Those lacking this normal reaction understand the social expectation to nevertheless produce it. They do this by learning certain behaviors that they engage in by processing specific social cues. More so, they must monitor their own tendencies and hide that which they know is uncommon. Well that’s kind of scary, no?"
----
Nah I still feel unhappy about it.
Not being able to get it up emotionally.
It's the emotional equivalent of having ED.
That's not a joke.
---
and if you can't get it up, they'll find someone who can.
...
and if you pretend you'll push them away.
edit: when they eventually realize you're lying to them.
---
Realized reading to people is really weird.
I joined an 18+ discord server to read to people.
It has NSFW channels
but I joined so minors wouldn't try to do lewd things in calls with me.
---
Got offered "reader" tag.
I'm weirder than any of these sexual deviants.
Realized reading to people is really weird.
I joined an 18+ discord server to read to people.
It has NSFW channels
but I joined so minors wouldn't try to do lewd things in calls with me.
---
Got offered "reader" tag.
I'm weirder than any of these sexual deviants.
---
Seeing people vent about things is weird.
I can't really relate.
I've vented plenty in these posts but none of it really matters.
I have a car, a good job, I'm mentally stable, I can cook, I'm tall, normal weight.
Pretty much my only complaint is: "I'm dead inside".
but because I'm "dead inside" I feel pretty okay about it, even if I don't want to.
and the only thing I can't afford with money is a home, so far anyway.
So seeing these people vent is weird.
It's like watching primitives trying to invent fire.
...
Spoken like a truly delusional egomaniac.
I mean while they're banging rocks and sticks together I'm flying around on a UFO.
I can't even pretend to have the same struggles they have.
Because I somehow ended up with a UFO despite my brain being broken.
...
Now that I think about it a lack of empathy isn't the sole indicator of sociopathy.
Sociopathy is a collection of traits. A lack of empathy is just one of those traits.
I have a bit of a disturbed identity too.
Like I don't really know who I am, just who I'm supposed to be.
Filling in for the boy that died.
or maybe I'm that boy and he was never alive.
...
This is more or less the inside of my head.
and whoever is reading it gets to see it.
Maybe it's uglier than I thought.
...
Some people take longer to notice than others.
Some people seem to notice right away, for some reason.
I mean that there's nothing there.
Some people don't notice at all, or if they do, they don't say anything.
...
I've thought about just coming out with it.
Pretty frequently actually, just to see what kind of reaction I'd get.
but I've never really done that before.
Certain experiences have reinforced how terrible of an idea that would be.
...
because it's "scary", right?
...
I remember the pandemic starting and seeing all this material about coping.
and hearing people say they literally cried about it.
I don't really know why. No one they know died.
They didn't lose anything.
but I read something the other day that said people tend to feel emotions in groups.
Maybe that would explain "bangwagons" being a thing.
and also having "national pride".
Stuff like that.
I guess it makes sense.
Although it's absurd.
...
Once again I have no idea if my thoughts are normal or unusual.
...
This is such a useless thing to go on about.
Well it's something I want to be able to communicate with other people.
and not be shunned for it.
and not be made to feel inadequate for.
...
Actually Paveru reads these posts and treats me the same regardless.
Mom will too.
...
and... S.
Unintentionally a very fitting nickname.
---
Actually in general I don't feel comfortable talking to minors.
Because even if it's them that does something illegal, I'm responsible for it.
but S understands that, and so I feel comfortable talking to her.
I guess I trust her in the sense I don't think she'll do anything bad around me.
Although not for lack of wanting to.
...
I submitted a shirtless picture to an NSFW contest on a discord server.
A picture I've only ever shown to Azid. One where I was pretty skinny.
I've never posted a picture of myself anywhere expecting approval (ie /soc/)
I was purely curious to see if the picture would get even one vote.
Instead, it got every vote and I won.
I opted to remain anonymous and rejected the prize.
I think I'm really bored.
All the work I've put in to unfuck my life has paid off.
There isn't really anything I want, or anything else to fix.
Human connection, I guess, if anything, but I feel like it's starting to not matter.
...
...
I think I just want someone to take care of me.
Selfish desire.
I mean I'm mostly nothing but selfish.
The people I do like I could listen to for hours and hours, and be interested.
but anything they feel isn't something I can reciprocate.
...
Seeing people vent about things is weird.
I can't really relate.
I've vented plenty in these posts but none of it really matters.
I have a car, a good job, I'm mentally stable, I can cook, I'm tall, normal weight.
Pretty much my only complaint is: "I'm dead inside".
but because I'm "dead inside" I feel pretty okay about it, even if I don't want to.
and the only thing I can't afford with money is a home, so far anyway.
So seeing these people vent is weird.
It's like watching primitives trying to invent fire.
...
Spoken like a truly delusional egomaniac.
I mean while they're banging rocks and sticks together I'm flying around on a UFO.
I can't even pretend to have the same struggles they have.
Because I somehow ended up with a UFO despite my brain being broken.
...
Now that I think about it a lack of empathy isn't the sole indicator of sociopathy.
Sociopathy is a collection of traits. A lack of empathy is just one of those traits.
I have a bit of a disturbed identity too.
Like I don't really know who I am, just who I'm supposed to be.
Filling in for the boy that died.
or maybe I'm that boy and he was never alive.
...
This is more or less the inside of my head.
and whoever is reading it gets to see it.
Maybe it's uglier than I thought.
...
Some people take longer to notice than others.
Some people seem to notice right away, for some reason.
I mean that there's nothing there.
Some people don't notice at all, or if they do, they don't say anything.
...
I've thought about just coming out with it.
Pretty frequently actually, just to see what kind of reaction I'd get.
but I've never really done that before.
Certain experiences have reinforced how terrible of an idea that would be.
...
because it's "scary", right?
...
I remember the pandemic starting and seeing all this material about coping.
and hearing people say they literally cried about it.
I don't really know why. No one they know died.
They didn't lose anything.
but I read something the other day that said people tend to feel emotions in groups.
Maybe that would explain "bangwagons" being a thing.
and also having "national pride".
Stuff like that.
I guess it makes sense.
Although it's absurd.
...
Once again I have no idea if my thoughts are normal or unusual.
...
This is such a useless thing to go on about.
Well it's something I want to be able to communicate with other people.
and not be shunned for it.
and not be made to feel inadequate for.
...
Actually Paveru reads these posts and treats me the same regardless.
Mom will too.
...
and... S.
Unintentionally a very fitting nickname.
---
Actually in general I don't feel comfortable talking to minors.
Because even if it's them that does something illegal, I'm responsible for it.
but S understands that, and so I feel comfortable talking to her.
I guess I trust her in the sense I don't think she'll do anything bad around me.
Although not for lack of wanting to.
...
I submitted a shirtless picture to an NSFW contest on a discord server.
A picture I've only ever shown to Azid. One where I was pretty skinny.
I've never posted a picture of myself anywhere expecting approval (ie /soc/)
I was purely curious to see if the picture would get even one vote.
Instead, it got every vote and I won.
I opted to remain anonymous and rejected the prize.
edit: the prize was "Don't Starve" on Steam.
edit: my life is a sitcom of some kind
...I think I'm really bored.
All the work I've put in to unfuck my life has paid off.
There isn't really anything I want, or anything else to fix.
Human connection, I guess, if anything, but I feel like it's starting to not matter.
...
I think I just want someone to take care of me.
Selfish desire.
I mean I'm mostly nothing but selfish.
The people I do like I could listen to for hours and hours, and be interested.
but anything they feel isn't something I can reciprocate.
...
but anyway
I just want someone who will tell me to take my meds on time.
because they're worried about me getting enough sleep.
That's all.
It's usually me trying to worry about people like that.
...
Most people I know take care of me though I guess.
I didn't get to where I am all of my own merits.
Some people had to drag me. It would've been impossible without them.
...
Nonsense rambling.
...
Oh right I found out "littles" are a thing.
I never came across one when I was growing up.
Supposedly something some people do to deal with stress.
The idea kinda annoyed me at first.
Since with everything I had to deal with there was never any escape.
There was escapism, but that was distraction, not escape.
and then I realized "brainwashing" myself was my attempt at escape.
Which really isn't any different from being "little".
I just want someone who will tell me to take my meds on time.
because they're worried about me getting enough sleep.
That's all.
It's usually me trying to worry about people like that.
...
Most people I know take care of me though I guess.
I didn't get to where I am all of my own merits.
Some people had to drag me. It would've been impossible without them.
...
Nonsense rambling.
...
Oh right I found out "littles" are a thing.
I never came across one when I was growing up.
Supposedly something some people do to deal with stress.
The idea kinda annoyed me at first.
Since with everything I had to deal with there was never any escape.
There was escapism, but that was distraction, not escape.
and then I realized "brainwashing" myself was my attempt at escape.
Which really isn't any different from being "little".
...
and "regressing"
I kinda do that too. Involuntarily.
I kinda do that too. Involuntarily.
My body shuts down anything I can't handle.
...
This image explains some things.
Autism.
...
I played this mobile game called "Among Us"
I was the impostor for a round.
This image explains some things.
Autism.
...
I played this mobile game called "Among Us"
I was the impostor for a round.
I think there were like 9 people in it.
I think I killed like one person.
and then people kept calling meetings accusing each other
I kept refusing to vote.
"Why do you think this guy is guilty?"
I didn't vote.
"Why do you think this guy is guilty?"
I didn't vote.
They burned down everything and all I had to do was refuse to take part.
----
"You look so good with your sexy little strut that it's making me want to rape you."
Alright.
...
Got my hair cut.
People always react like that when I do.
Well, people don't often tell me they want to rape me.
That rarely happens.
...
More often than expected though.
I don't know what kind of vibes I give off.
-----
I think I realize what I did wrong.
Being angry kept me motivated to go to the gym.
Listening to ASMR brought that anger to the surface.
but it also made me start to let go of being angry.
I don't need to be angry at anything specifically.
Just as long as I am angry.
Being so different from others is really alienating.
but it also frustrates me and makes me want to be better.
So maybe I can use that.
I'll see later, after covid, hopefully.
----
1: Have you ever ejaculated on someone's face?
Me: I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that
Me: I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that
1: You would understand if you'd done it
Me: I think I can understand pretty easily by imagining it
Me: In fact I'm imagining it right now *deep eye contact*
no homo
>Talking to a dude
>Talks about spending money on women
Me: "Ah yeah man I do that too"
>He says sometimes women will do things for you if you buy them stuff
>As in he has an expectation of getting something in return
>Tell him "Oh I just spend money on the people I like to show appreciation"
I can't really understand his way of thinking
and I think he didn't really understand mine
Although I rarely want anything from anyone
Being validated feels nice, but that's about it
Overall I'd rate us both simp/10
"Simp is a slang insult for men who are seen as too attentive and submissive to women, especially out of a failed hope of winning some entitled sexual attention or activity from them."
Shouldn't have looked it up, because by that definition, I'm not a simp.
and I've been regarding myself as one.
gay/10
edit:
It's settled. Everyone including me is a simp.
......
oh yeah S is 18 now
This entire time I've been the only one concerned that she might be talking to a pedo
telling her to be careful
she's 18 and still all i do is read her bed time stories
i have no substance
what kind of plot development it would be if this nice man turned out to be a pedo
but no he hasn't changed. he's just a flat character. that's me.
if i wasnt falling asleep right now id probably think i sound ridiculous
...
i told her im mentally ill too
"yo i have like 6 mental illnesses"
she doesnt care
even after she told me trying to take care of one person with depression was draining
that's 1 of my 6
eh maybe she doesn't fully realize how much of a sicko i am.
...
my voice makes her pass out too. i have no idea why.
any time i ask her she just laughs and says "i dont know!"
my voice is bill cosby
that implies something pretty terrible i think
...
lewd stuff is so pointless
romantic stuff too
how do they keep finding ways to apply meaning to the meaningless?
i guess i can reason why im weird
my brain isn't structured neurotypically in how it regulates chemicals
and the conditions for triggering them are different
oh also adrenaline is one of the only ones i get in good quantity.
and im fucking taking something that negates it
so of course im bored all the time
but i didnt draw a connection to that until recently
when i missed a day and suddenly felt like i had feelings again
but what does it mean if my feelings are made of adrenaline?
anxiety? frustration? is that all i have?
approximately
.........
oh paveru hakase
i keep waiting for valentines day to arrive so i can send you chocolate
for the third year in a row i think it is
the fact that im looking forward to it is hilarious in a way
paveru hakase is a good waifu
someone with a flower growing out of their eye should wife him
no homo
or something
...
finding out im demisexual was actually hugely validating
because i dont feel like a fucked up outlier anymore
other people like me exist.
....
i kinda hate being attributed as a nice guy
my feelings dont really care about other people
seeing other people succeed or suffer doesnt make me feel anything
i start to forget other people have feelings without reminding myself
anything i do for other people either benefits me in some way
or i have to constantly remind myself that im supposed to care
so im really just an egocentric pos
who happens to have a slightly higher than average frustration threshold
and is less likely to harshly judge other people
that's not nice
i guess its kinda benign though
...
also i dont care to keep in contact with people
so people constantly ask me why i hate them
i dont. i just dont care to talk to them
i like them, but i dont feel anything for them
...
i didnt choose to be like this.
...
i shouldnt have to fake everything im supposed to be
its not fair
Edit: It's exhausting
so saaaaaaaaaad
but not really
....
granted i like shitposting to paveru hakase
---------
got accused of secretly posting stuff on... let me look it up
Gone Wild Audio
Apparently I have a Patreon and make a lot of money posting lewd audio
no, but I wish I had a good enough voice to make money doing that
I hate my own voice but listening to the audio was weird
dude has like the exact same laugh i do
it was like listening to a normie version of myself
arent i a normie version of myself?
No. You're autistic.
...
"I am nothing. I feel nothing."
feels bad
-------
>listen to this entire clip
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYiugu6jez8
>feel relaxed
>watch haachama cooking
>literally almost vomit
>still watching
>"okay lets eat it"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqbOCu8oGFg
>"okay lets eat it"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqbOCu8oGFg
---------
got a friend request from a bot
I kinda enjoy talking to bots because I can be as weird as I want with them
after a few messages I realized this "bot" was actually a real person
so I felt a need to filter my thoughts again
and I realized I was more disappointed talking to a real person than a bot
"do you want to exchange nudes, yes or no?"
no
no
-------
I feel like this post should go somewhere
Instead of being nonstop rambling about the same thing over and over.
Oh yeah I'm currently going through med withdrawals.
Mostly Adderall, although I haven't taken any of my other meds in over 24 hours.
Adderall withdrawal is like taking Adderall in reverse.
Because Adderall is a controlled substance it can only be renewed the day after it runs out.
Meaning I usually have to go at least one day a month in withdrawal from it.
I also haven't been able to get in contact with my doctor since covid started.
edit: Found out he retired
Which isn't good. I really need to see him.
There are still problems in my life, and Adderall is one of them.
It's a problem because it only lasts 8 hours and once it wears off I'm back to normal.
Normal isn't good.
It took me a while to notice this was the case.
It happened when I lifted weights but I just assumed it was exhaustion from pushing myself.
It wasn't. It was Adderall wearing off.
...
I've also been generally depressed.
...
Like I mentioned, that fire which was driving me forward died out.
Anger, but, more like passion.
Wanting to be better, and continue to be better.
I became complacent and let myself go.
...
Because nothing really matters to me.
and I felt like I was nearing a ceiling where nothing could really be better.
I was wrong about that. I can see now.
and going through life apathetically on auto-pilot, ignoring that.
Has been awful.
I went from driving myself forward and ignoring anything I wanted, to doing anything I want.
I don't like it this way.
...
It's not like the time has been entirely wasted though.
Both my job and being a DM have bettered me in a number of ways.
It hasn't all been wasted time, especially in a pandemic.
But once this is over I want to be able to hold my head up again.
and have my medication figured out so I don't feel disabled.
...
I'm tempted to fully withdraw from Adderall
...
Dear me: Please don't forget this. Don't get lost in apathy.
Even if it's ultimately all meaningless, it's still important to me.
...
I stopped blogging again.
I'm always at my worst when I'm not blogging because I don't reflect on myself.
and I don't realize how wrong and horrible everything is.
Every mistake I'm making, and right now I'm making a number of mistakes.
...
I've put way too much pressure on myself again too.
----
I don't talk to people like they're people either.
I don't listen to what they have to say.
I just say a bunch of BS and hope it's what they want to hear.
...
Like throwing crap at the wall and hoping something sticks.
Should be like 70% listening 20% encouragement 5% reiteration.
5% offering ideas for solutions. Something like that.
----
Someone called me intermediate at my job.
Just off-handedly.
That meant a lot to me.
Because I'm still super inexperienced.
----
Pulled out stuff from when I spent time in Boston.
Made me feel some stuff.
Weird though because it's like kicking up dust which is ages old.
Only the dust is my feelings.
So I felt old feelings with some severity, but I feel nothing new.
-----------
Maybe I should stop taking the beta-blockers.
-----------
I should say this while I'm still lucid.
Funny, I feel like the Adderall puts me into some kind of mind-control.
With the beta-blockers added in.
I think both of them are an issue.
I think the beta-blockers negate adrenaline.
Something which I have always had in high supply.
Happiness is something I never had.
So I had to learn to be "happy" with the only chemical I had.
Adrenaline, which is caused by stress.
Stress from anger, pushing myself, anxiety.
All of it is motivating. All of it feels rewarding, even though it doesn't.
Take that away and what motivates me? What still drives me forward?
With the adderall? Dopamine. Working. Completing tasks, but that's it.
So I'm just a robot on it, and I have tunnel vision.
Going to the gym is hugely adrenaline based.
It hurts. It stresses me out. I almost can't handle it.
But the pain feels invigorating. The adrenaline of it feels good.
And the dopamine I do get from it when I succeed keeps me moving.
I don't think I can go to the gym while I'm taking beta-blockers like this.
I think I need a chemical rebalance.
Less dopamine, so less drive to work, but it also needs to keep me moving.
So Vyvanse instead of Adderall XR. It lasts longer.
and a lower dose of it, so I don't get lost in work and only work.
Even writing this, I'm waiting for the adderall to kick in.
I need to shower, but if it kicks in while I'm doing this, all is lost.
Being worried about that should be enough evidence of an issue.
Uh TL;DR
I need more adrenaline, andf less dopamine.
Vyanse on a lower dose, and a lower dose of beta-blockers, if any.
Or even just taking the beta blockers when I feel like I'll have a panic attack.
I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday.
I hope I can relay this to her in a way that she'll take my word for it.
Hm... I have shown her my blog before.
I could again too.
Ha ha ha. Probably a terrible idea.
but maybe I'll xuanzang sanzang through it.
Seems to be how I get through most things in life.
Ex rank luck and only taking things seriously when I really need to.
Now is one of those times.
Now I shower, and when I get out I work on some things I've been neglecting.
...
Didn't I want to live?
What happened to that.
You also wanted to cast away all emotion and become a robot.
but look where that got us. It isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I didn't get to where I am because I was a robot.
It was because I helped people. They helped me.
Maybe it seemed easier to be a robot, but ultimately it's less efficient.
People need people.
What a weird thing to hear myself say.
What happened to me?
Ahhhh.
---
>Got asked out again
what the fuck
...
I think I might be cursed.
...
I'm the Main Character of a Harem Manga, but I'm Gay so Every Day is Hell for Me
"Being told you're ugly your whole life then suddenly having people be attracted to you is a really weird feeling."
Yeah that's for sure.
Yeah that's for sure.
I was even starting to think "I've really let myself go, no one will be attracted to me now."
Not sure why I thought that.
I swear, some women find awkwardness really attractive.
I have no idea why.
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Dunno, maybe it gives off a sense of honesty.
Although in this case it happened without her even getting a chance to know me.
I thought about replying with "Once you get to know me you'll wish you hadn't."
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How does that go again?
Animals with bright colors tend to be poisonous
Stay away.
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Shouldn't that be obvious?
Eh, who knows.
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Well strawberries are delicious and they're brightly colored.
That's gay as hell.
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I really should post this already.
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This post ended up as something unintended.
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I guess I'll ramble just a bit more.
AND ANIOTHER THING.
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Make this a bit interesting.
So imagine you're a black kid in high school.
People bully the shit out of you for being a "nigger".
And a holiday is invented just for you.
"Kick a nigger day"
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you weren't the only black kid in school.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you weren't the only black kid in school.
but you are, and on that day the entire high school turns on you with hostility.
You're young so school is your life. The school turning on you is like the world turning on you.
You were optimistic once, and you had friends.
All of those "friends" took part in that holiday.
So what are you left with?
Bruises on your way home from school.
A realization that you don't actually have any friends.
and your mental health? Well it was already failing because your brain is broken.
And your grades? Well they were already failing too, because again, broken brain.
You decide you aren't going back to school.
But school is your life, so giving up on school means your life is over.
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People only really ever treat you with contempt or repulsion.
Maybe pity if you're lucky.
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and then one day it's like none of that ever happened.
People start expressing interest in you.
Even though it makes no sense. It's inconsistent with what happened before.
So why would it be different now?
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It still never really feels real.
I mean I can acknowledge it, but I can't mentally connect it to anything that exists.
Telling myself:
"You're probably misunderstanding what they said to you"
And then:
"They made it clear, but they're probably playing a joke on you."
It's always the same.
Anyway my point isn't that I can't accept it
My point is that I'm black and therefore it's okay for me to say the N word.
I'm kidding.
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I work almost entirely with dudes. I rarely see women.
So that it still happens at all is stupid.
and if I didn't document it in these blog posts I'd probably discard it ever happening.
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Being wanted isn't really a good feeling now.
It's a nuisance. It feels a bit like the world taunting me.
and talking to 99% of all people is alienating as all hell.
There isn't anyone I feel comfortable conveying everything in my head to.
I guess I convey everything to this blog.
It's empty space. A place in my head.
and I feel fine posting these because I just tell myself no one reads this stuff anyway.
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"No soul"
I couldn't help but always feel like that was true.
I feel like I'm missing parts of what makes a human.
Do dispassionate androids have souls?
I don't think so.
Though it's not like I believe in that stuff anyway.
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Oh I think I may have had PTSD from that happening.
I used to have panic attacks after it happened.
I couldn't physically bring myself to go near that school for such a long time.
I was fragile.
That's why you aren't allowed to have feelings.
That's a bit pathetic, isn't it?
"You're like me. You trust really easily."
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Okay I'll post it.
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*notices bulge* uwu csama no i poop from there
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